


Captain of My Soul

by WillowDeville



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Biotics, Earthborn (Mass Effect), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Original Character(s), Slow Burn, Sole Survivor (Mass Effect), mention of past drug use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-26
Updated: 2017-07-23
Packaged: 2018-09-20 01:31:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 21
Words: 83,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9469505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WillowDeville/pseuds/WillowDeville
Summary: “You remind me of him,” Anderson had once said, the day they had made Kaidan the second human Spectre. He was under no illusion that that wouldn’t have happened without Shepard being the first, but he wasn’t quite so sure if they had really shared the same values. From what he had heard, things had regularly blown up wherever Commander Shepard had gone, and Kaidan was proud to think that they didn’t tend to around him.Kaidan Alenko and John Shepard never meet on the Normandy SR-1. By the time Kaidan becomes the second human Spectre, Commander Shepard has been dead for almost two years.- Now with fabulous artwork by the amazing FallingOverSideways in chapter 8! -





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Alternate Universe, kind of. Some things are shamelessly taken from the ME timeline, some are twisted to suit the story, and others are simply made up, including some of the characters. Be gentle with me, I’m an absolute newbie in every way possible and this is not beta'd. Hope you enjoy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Kaidan receives an invitation...

A soft ping from his omni-tool made Kaidan look up from his report. Without letting go of the datapad in his hand, he stretched out of his chair and grabbed the omni-tool from the edge of the desk, the orange glow of the small message display mingling with the low light of his desk lamp in his otherwise darkened quarter on the SSV Buchanan. They were a couple of hours into the night cycle, on their way back to the Citadel, and Kaidan was desperately trying to finish his report for Anderson, before his heavy head would catch up with him. He could tell his eyes were already on the way out, considering how many times he had to blink to bring the message into focus.

FROM: Lemaire, C.  
TO: Alenko, K.  
SUBJECT: Sakura

_Kaidan,_

_Come and visit me_. _Finish that report I know you’re writing right now (and don’t even think about starting on another one, they can wait) and get yourself over here. That’s an order. From your mother. Or maybe not, but I’m sure she would agree. You haven’t had a break for a long time, son._

 _Kindest,_  
_Charles Lemaire_

He frowned at his datapad, where his report still sat half finished, and then back at the message on his omni-tool, his mind too sluggish to make a clear cut from one to the other. It wasn’t uncommon for Admiral Lemaire to send him private messages, but usually they went along the lines of _Congratulations, Spectre-Biotic-Wunderkind Alenko_ , or _I hear Isla O’Donnell is on the Citadel, shall I arrange a blind date for you_. The last one had developed into a running joke between them, Lemaire trying hard to play matchmaker between the two Ex-BAaT biotics, and Kaidan appreciating the effort, but declining every time. Two biotic nutcases talking not-so-good old times over dinner wasn’t exactly his idea of a romantic date.

But this was different, this wasn’t the usual open invitation of _you know you are always welcome here_ , and it made Kaidan actually think about it. He had never been to Sakura, the small garden world at the edge of the Kepler Verge that Lemaire had helped to colonize over the last ten years. He knew the Alliance had training facilities on Sakura, and quite a sizable capital city with Orya, but other than that there was very little information available about the planet.

Kaidan blinked again, trying to figure out if this was a sincere request or just another one of Lemaire’s casual remarks.

He read the message a second time, but his mind automatically wandered back to the scramble of negotiations of the day gone. Without noticing he was back, trying to form coherent sentences in his head that would convince both, the humans and the Salarians, that the shootout between the Salarian doctor and the Human scientist was an isolated incident. He knew it wasn’t, but that was a conversation to have with Anderson in person, not a notion to put into a report that was meant to keep the leaders of two races at peace.

Something was up. This was the third time in as many months that he had been asked to investigate an incident between humans and another race. First the attempted assassination of a Quarian diplomat on the Citadel, then the ambush on the Asari research station near Phontes, and now this. And every time rumors about Cerberus had crept up somewhere during the investigation.

And then there was this news report about Horizon a few weeks ago, about a Cerberus attack and how almost an entire colony had disappeared, including the Alliance personnel that had been stationed there. The broadcast had been classified quickly and taken off all the official networks because the news reader had also claimed that there had been sightings during the attack, of a Cerberus group led by Commander Shepard. _The_ Commander Shepard, Alliance soldier, savior of the Council and first human Spectre. And killed in action over two years ago, when he was spaced when his ship came under attack somewhere in the Amada System.

There was no official report from the Alliance yet and Admiral Anderson kept tight-lipped about the whole thing, which didn’t surprise Kaidan. Anderson had been Commander Shepard’s friend and mentor for many years and had been hit harder than most by his death. Kaidan was never one for gossip, but this one irritated him more than most, because he could see how much it bothered Anderson.

“You remind me of him,” Anderson had once said, the day they had made Kaidan the second human Spectre. He was under no illusion that that wouldn’t have happened without Shepard being the first, but he wasn’t quite so sure if they had really shared the same values. From what he had heard, things had regularly blown up wherever Commander Shepard had gone, and Kaidan was proud to think that they didn’t tend to around him.

But Shepard had always delivered and had turned into a war hero even before his untimely passing. Still, Kaidan couldn’t get his head around how anybody thought it even possible to resurrect the commander. Create a clone, maybe, but resurrection? He also couldn’t imagine the resources such an undertaking would require, or a terrorist group like Cerberus to have those resources at their disposal. Hence, until there was definite proof Kaidan would quietly believe that someone was simply trying to fuel a myth, and decline to comment whenever he was asked about it.

And anyway, Lemaire had invited him to come to Sakura.

Kaidan sighed and leaned back into his chair, blankly staring at the wall behind his desk. It had been a long time since he had seen real daylight, or even artificial daylight, thinking about it. He hadn’t been on the Citadel since the attack on the Quarian, jumping from assignment to assignment, from one Alliance vessel to the next. He hadn’t seen his parents for over a year, hadn’t been back to Earth for about the same time, and even if he had taken a day or two of shore leave here and there, he had mostly used them to run errands or sleep through a migraine. Lemaire was right, he could do with getting away for a bit.

In the end, he finished his report for Anderson and then replied to Lemaire.

***

Less than forty-eight Earth hours later Kaidan stood in Admiral Lemaire’s office on Sakura and marveled at the floor-to-ceiling windows, and the city of Orya that lay beyond.

He had arrived during the early hours of the morning, on a cargo ship that brought in supplies as well as a whole bunch of young soldiers, no doubt some of them special cases like he had been once, to be trained under Lemaire’s watch. Kaidan had travelled in civvies, almost feeling odd wearing just jeans and a sweater after having lived and breathed in Alliance attire for so long. But it helped to keep the attention away from him, as the recruits didn’t even give him as much as a bored sideways glance, and for that he was grateful.

On approach, he had found a quiet seat next to one of the portholes on the observation deck, his breath catching as he had watched the sun rise on the horizon, and suddenly the thought of shore leave hadn’t seemed like such a bad idea, not at all.

He hadn’t been able to resist the urge to change back into his basic uniform though, while the cab had waited outside the cabin Lemaire had organized for him. Kaidan suspected that Lemaire had chosen the wood-cladded abode on purpose, and had to admit that it kind of worked. It reminded him of Earth, of Canada, of summer holidays with his parents, up in the mountains. Memories so rarely recalled he had almost forgotten.

Half an hour later the feeling was still lingering as he turned away from the windows and took in Lemaire’s office. There was a sturdy desk facing the door, the wall behind it covered with shelves, lined with rows of real books, another thing Kaidan hadn’t seen since the last time he had set foot into his father’s office at the orchard. But compared to his father’s office, Lemaire’s was pretty bare. No paintings, no awards, no medals, only the books and a large data board next to the door, with columns of names on it.

He stepped closer and studied the names, some lit up in blue, others greyed out, indicating who was in the vicinity and who wasn’t. Kaidan wasn’t surprised to find his own name glowing blue halfway down the first column.

‘Some things never change,’ he thought with a smile, just as he spotted another familiar name, as bright and blue as his own, a couple of columns further along.

_L. T’Soni_

He couldn’t help the smile spreading across his face. Kaidan had never had a lot of friends. Most of the time he was happier on his own than with company, probably because no matter how good he was at mediating between the different races of the galaxy, he never seemed to be able to transfer those skills to his private life, turning shy and socially awkward as soon as he stepped out of his uniform. Maybe it was the Asari’s complete oblivion to his inability to hold up more than a minute of small talk, or the fact that she had seen him at his worst more often than he liked to admit, but somehow over the years Liara T’Soni, now Doctor Liara T’Soni, had become his closest friend. And she was on Sakura. This shore leave business was getting better by the minute.

He was about to turn back towards the view of the bay when another name caught his attention, making him swallow hard. _Isla O’Donnell_. Having Lemaire try to hook them up from a distance was one thing. Seeing her name glowing blue on Lemaire’s board, realizing she was on Sakura, too, was something completely different.

A flood of other names suddenly washed through his mind, names he had tried very hard to forget, but had never managed to. Whatever time had passed since he was shipped out of Jump Zero and back to Earth, whatever other names, places, and information he had tried to overwrite them with, he always remembered every single name. As if every name of every single student that had ever been at BAaT had been irreversibly engraved into his memory, making sure he would never forget.

The sound of heavy footsteps pulled him out of his thoughts. A moment later the door opened and the tall, grey-haired man that was Admiral Lemaire walked in, the full beard only fractionally hiding the beaming grin on the man’s face.

“Admiral.” Kaidan saluted, trying to sound serious, but failing miserably.

“Major Alenko.” Lemaire firmly returned the salute and then threw out all formality and pulled Kaidan into a tight hug, before letting him go again, holding him at arm’s length to look at him. Kaidan felt like his ten-year-old self again, being inspected by his uncle Albert.

“It’s good to see you,” Kaidan said. “But if you could spare me the ‘how much you’ve grown’, that would be much appreciated.”

Lemaire laughed. “Good to see you too, son. You’re looking good. Tired, but good. Still can’t stay away from the Alliance though, can you?” He lightly swatted the Alliance emblem on Kaidan’s uniform with the back of his hand. “I’m glad you came. I wasn’t quite sure you would.”

“It was about time,” Kaidan admitted sheepishly. He knew that if Lemaire hadn’t asked at such short notice he probably would’ve changed his mind. “I’m glad someone ordered me to take a break, doubt it would’ve happened otherwise, certainly not anytime soon.”

Lemaire smiled, knowingly placing a hand on Kaidan’s shoulder. Then he turned and gestured towards the windows. “So, what do you think?”

“A lot like home,” Kaidan said, surprised at his own words. It had played on his mind, but he hadn’t expected to admit it so easily.

Lemaire chuckled. “I knew you’d like it.”

“I do.” Kaidan said and then took in the view once more, as they both stood in silence for a moment. It felt good to be here. It felt good to see Lemaire again.

“I see you’re still keeping an eye on me,” Kaidan eventually continued and nodded towards the board on the wall, a smirk on his face. “And a few others.”

There was another chuckle from Lemaire as he stepped up to Kaidan and studied the board.

“Only on the good ones,” he said, “only on the good ones. The ones I want to keep close to my heart.” He looked back at Kaidan, nudging him with his elbow.

“So. Liara is here, too.” Kaidan said.

“Ah, yes, so she is.” Lemaire smiled. “We’ll see her later on. She doesn’t know you’re here, so hold off contacting her. I’d like to surprise her. But first, let me show you around. Have you had breakfast yet? Come on, I bet you haven’t tasted food this good for ages.”

Kaidan followed the admiral back out of the office and they took the elevator down to one of the lower floors. The moment they stepped into the mess hall Kaidan was hit with the smell of freshly cooked bacon, and he knew he was in for a treat. Lemaire ordered himself some breakfast, and then double of the same for Kaidan.

“Need to make sure we keep feeding those biotics of yours,” he teased Kaidan as he pointed towards a table in the corner of an outside terrace, where the morning sun had broken through the leaves of the trees surrounding them.

“I’m on shore leave, I wasn’t planning on using them.” Kaidan raised an eyebrow, but Lemaire only winked at him. Why did he get the feeling that the admiral had other plans? He shook his head as he placed his tray on the table, and sat down with a sigh. It would come out eventually, it always did with Lemaire. Closing his eyes, he leaned against the back of the chair, tilting his head towards the warmth of the sun, and took a deep breath and held it until his lungs started burning. He could happily sit here for hours.

Eventually, he opened his eyes again and sat forward, eagerly making a start on the steaming hot food in front of him. He mockingly raised another eyebrow at Lemaire. “Did you invite me here for a reason, Admiral? Because I’m getting the feeling I’m being bribed here.”

“Hmm, maybe.” Lemaire grinned, deliberately picking up a piece of bacon with his fingers, and indulgently putting it into his mouth. “I’d call it ‘listing the benefits’.”

Kaidan laughed. But then he simply couldn’t hold back the moan, when the first piece of bacon touched his own tongue. Lemaire was right, he hadn’t tasted food like this for a very long time.

“Tell me, Admiral,” he hummed between bites. “You keeping out of trouble?”

And for the first time in years Kaidan felt like a normal human being again. Like he could sit back, even if only for a moment, and let the galaxy go crazy without him.

Lemaire told him about Sakura, about its fertile land and the possibilities to farm. About the research and training facilities they had opened for young Alliance recruits, including human biotics. About how Liara had found some old Prothean artefacts near an old quarry, on the northern edge of Orya, and turned up to study them whenever she found a minute to spare.

In returned Kaidan told him about his own missions, about Anderson’s struggle with the rumors about Commander Shepard. They ended up debating British Ales over Canadian or German lagers and he eventually asked about Isla O’Donnell, because now he knew she was here he was curious, and Lemaire told him how she had come to Sakura with the first wave of colonist and was now one of the leading scientists based at Sakura’s Alliance HQ.

They had been talking for over an hour when a message pinged on Lemaire’s omni-tool and made them realize the time. Kaidan sighed as he stood, picking up his empty tray and gingerly running his free hand over the back of his neck.

“Why do I feel like I never want to leave again, this place feels, and certainly tastes, good. Too good to be true?” he asked as he followed Lemaire back to the elevator.

“Maybe, maybe not.” Lemaire shrugged. “No doubt at some point the rest of the world will find out about this place, and war will come here, too. But until then we’ll try to keep it at peace, and honor what it gives us.”

Kaidan nodded and tried to stifle a yawn as they waited for the elevator to arrive, but Lemaire caught it.

“Let me get someone to take you back to your cabin,” he said. “Why don’t you put your head down for a while and meet me later? I’ve got a briefing at 1500, I would like you to join me. There is someone I want you to meet.”

Kaidan frowned. “So, you do have an ulterior motive. Why am I not surprised?”

“I always do, Kaidan, I always do.” There was a playful sparkle in Lemaire’s eyes and no sound of remorse in his voice. They stepped into the elevator as the doors opened in front of them. “Come on, let’s get you back to the cabin, you look like you can use some shut-eye. I’ll explain it all to you this afternoon, I promise.”

For a moment Kaidan thought about pressing for more, but then decided to leave it. He knew Lemaire wasn’t one to make promises lightly, so he would get his explanation. He hid another yawn behind the back of his hand, which earned him another smile and a pat on the back from Lemaire. He couldn’t deny it, the strain of travelling through the night and the full stomach were slowly getting the better of him, and if Lemaire was going to drag him into anything that required the use of his biotics he would make damn sure he’d get some sleep beforehand.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Shepard meets Kaidan...

Without bothering to get up Shepard maneuvered his chair onto the sunny spot next to the window, shifting and turning until he could sit comfortably without being blinded by the light or having it reflected back at him off his datapad. It said something about Sakura that Lemaire’s war room had windows, but Shepard wasn’t going to complain if it meant he could sit in the sunshine for a while.

Across the room Garrus was surrounded by the continuous sound of beeps and clicks from the sniper rifle he was working on. Whatever the Turian was trying to do to that rifle, it didn’t seem to agree. “ _Access denied – action not permissible_ ,” the electronic voice announced for the umpteenth time, and Shepard grinned without taking his eyes off the requisition list on his pad. Yep, that rifle sure was pissed.

“You could just keep the mod,” Shepard said. EDI had sent them all off the ship hours ago, so she could run a full system scan with Traynor after the last pieces of Cerberus tracking tech had been removed overnight. First, for something to do, Garrus and Shepard had assaulted the shooting range, only sneaking out the back door when the first Alliance recruits had showed up at sunrise. After that, getting to the war room without being seen was easy, after all, they were good at getting places unnoticed. But since then all they had done was killing time, impatiently waiting for EDI to call them back to the Normandy. They weren’t so good at that.  

“It’s cramping my style,” Garrus growled.

“It’s supposed to help with your style.”

“It wiggles when I aim. I’m the master of my guns, they’re not supposed to have a mind of their own.”

When he realized that the beeping and clicking had stopped Shepard turned to look at Garrus. The Turian had slumped into his chair, blankly staring at the rifle on his lap.

“You giving up, Garrus?” Shepard asked, raising an eyebrow.

Garrus didn’t move, didn’t even blink. “I’m thinking.”

“Don’t hurt your brain.” Shepard smirked and wiggled his head at his friend.

“Don’t you have some mission to plan or something?” Garrus snarled back at him as he picked up the rifle again.

Shepard laughed and shook his head, and turned back towards the windows to glance across Sakura Bay, where the Normandy was securely tucked away in one of the spaceport’s maintenance bays. It had been a week since he had told the Illusive Man where to go, since he had thrown the Cerberus crew off the Normandy on Omega, before legging it all the way back to Sakura, most of it in stealth mode. Even though he was bored to the bone by now, he was grateful to Lemaire for offering them a hideout until they got their shit sorted. And if EDI’s scan was successful they’d be ready to head out to Feros within the next day or so, and he’d hopefully be able to repay Lemaire for all the hospitality.

Below the window, the terrace of the mess hall was starting to get busier. His thoughts still on recent events he let his gaze roam over unknown faces, people stopping for a late breakfast in the sun. He spotted Admiral Lemaire making his way through the crowd, and sat up with a jolt when he recognized the man the admiral was with. Kaidan Alenko.

Miranda had told him that they had appointed a second human Spectre, and during one of the quieter nights in between missions he had asked EDI to look him up. Going by what she had found, Spectre Alenko apparently was everything Shepard wasn’t; controlled, calm, and collected, integrity personified. And a biotic. “You’d like him,” Anderson had said when Shepard had enquired during one of their calls, a few weeks back. Anderson hadn’t said much more, perfectly aware that Cerberus might have been listening, and obviously not keen to give away anything more about one of his top assets. Shepard was convinced the only reason the Illusive Man had allowed for those calls to happen had been to spy on the Alliance.

“I’d probably try to upstage him, I’ve read his files. No one can be _that_ square,” Shepard had joked back then. But seeing Alenko with Lemaire now, as the two men headed for a table in the corner of the terrace, he had to admit that there was something about the Spectre that made him look closer. He looked younger than he had expected, more like a soldier than the nerd Shepard had pegged him as, defined shoulders underneath the Alliance shirt, the muscles in his arms flexing as he kept moving them while he talked.

When Alenko lifted his head into the sunlight and took in the warmth, Shepard thought he could feel it, too; when he closed his eyes as he took his first bite, Shepard could almost taste it, too. There was this constant shy smile on Alenko’s face that turned into a genuine laugh now and again, and for some reason Shepard couldn’t take his eyes off it. He puffed out a surprised breath when he found himself mirroring that smile.

“You’re huffing, Commander,” Garrus stated flatly from across the room.

Shepard turned to find Garrus leaning back in his chair, a smug grin on his face, his arms folded in front of his chest. The sniper rifle stood upright against one of the consoles next to him, an amber light flashing calmly, indicating the offending mod was currently being deinstalled.

“You ever met Spectre Alenko?” Shepard asked.

Garrus’ eyes widened briefly. He unfolded his arms and pushed himself off his chair and came over to the window, following Shepard’s gaze across the terrace.

“Once,” Garrus said as they both watched Lemaire and Alenko. “Before he became a Spectre, though. He was helping Bailey catch a couple of C-Sec officers that decided to make their own rules.”

“What is he doing on Sakura?” Shepard asked.

Garrus didn’t answer immediately. “Your guess is as good as mine,” he eventually said. “But he for sure looks friendly with Lemaire.”

“How so?” Shepard frowned at him.

“He’s a very private man. I don’t think I have ever seen him that…” Garrus paused again, searching for the right word, “… animated.” He remained next to Shepard for a moment longer and then shrugged and made his way back to his chair.

“You think he knows we’re here?” Shepard said, his eyes back on Alenko.

“Doubt it,” Garrus replied. “That guy’s Alliance through and through. If he knew we were in the building he would’ve smoked us out by now. Not much that gets past him, I can tell you that.”

Below him Alenko laughed at something the admiral had said, and Shepard was unexpectedly disappointed that he couldn’t hear it. Somehow, he wished he could meet Alenko, step outside and join their conversation. But if Garrus was right about the major they couldn’t risk it. They had just escaped from Cerberus’ grip, he wasn’t quite ready to let them slip back under someone else’s, even if it was the Alliance. Both, Anderson and Lemaire had told him that the Council still thought the Collectors were a Cerberus brain child, and that the Reapers didn’t actually exist.

He wished they would just listen, that he could grab them by their shoulders and shake some sense into them. Because if they didn’t come around to the idea soon, it would be left to good people like Alenko, and for some reason, seeing the man, he was convinced Alenko was one of the good ones, to pick up the mess. Not much he could do though, to convince them, especially not right now when he was still seen as a terrorist.

He leaned back into his chair and returned to the list on his datapad, while below him the two Alliance servicemen continued with their meal. And if he kept glancing down at them from time to time it was only to give his eyes a break from staring at the datapad for too long, nothing more. At least that’s what he told himself.

***

“Man, have you actually left this room at all today?” Garrus said as he walked back into the war room.

Shepard looked up from the hologram in front of him, the amber outline of the ruins on Feros hovering above the center of the control island.

“Yeah, Traynor gave me the rundown on those upgrades Lemaire got for us,” he said and pushed away from the island. “How he gets away with it, I don’t know. Half the VI upgrade apparently comes straight out of the Alliance’s latest war tech development.”

“Too smart to let them catch him.” Garrus grunted and stood next to him, studying the hologram.

They both straightened up as the lock of the door turned green. The sound of Lemaire’s laughter and a “You’ll get over it” entered the room before the man himself stepped through the door, and Shepard could feel Garrus growing tense beside him at the same time he did. Following the admiral into the room was no other than Spectre Alenko, his gaze lowered at the floor, the hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Then he looked up and the smile fell off his face as he jerked back. His hand went for a gun on his belt, but, to Shepard’s relief, finding none.

“What the fuck!”

Shepard flinched and drew in a sharp breath through his nose. In an instance he dismissed everything Garrus had told him earlier, and everything he had ever read or heard about the Spectre before. No one who swore like that, with a voice like _that_ , could be that straight-laced. And, what the fuck indeed?

“Easy, Major.” Lemaire quickly put a hand on Alenko’s arm, a shadow of a smile still lingering on the admiral’s face. “Commander Shepard is unarmed.”

Alenko shifted, but kept staring at Shepard, whiskey-brown eyes boring into him, almost challenging him, to what, Shepard didn’t know. Shepard stood his ground, even as he addressed Lemaire.

“Admiral.” Shepard didn’t bother with a salute. The man had just thrown a Council Spectre in front of him, without even the slightest hint or warning, and Shepard wanted him to know he was pissed.

Lemaire inclined his head, but otherwise didn’t seem to care. He turned towards Alenko and gestured at Shepard and Garrus. “Major Alenko. Commander Shepard and Garrus Vakarian.”

Alenko was still glaring at him, wide eyed, and it suddenly came to Shepard that the major probably thought he was seeing a ghost. But then Alenko blinked and seemed to remember etiquette again, lifting his hand for a short salute. “Commander. Vakarian.”

And to his own surprise Shepard returned it, and so did Garrus.

“Right, good,” Lemaire said and gave Alenko a pat on the shoulder. “Now that we’ve got the formalities out of the way let’s get down to business. Where is Doctor T’Soni?”

“She should be here any–” Garrus started just as the war room door hissed open again, and the very person rushed in.

“Apologies, I am–” Liara stopped and did a double take. “By the Goddess, Kaidan!” Her mouth fell open and she quickly slapped her hand over it. A second later she was hugging Alenko and Shepard’s eyes widened in surprise. He could hear the huffed sound that escaped the major when he was being squeezed within an inch of his life, before Liara came to her senses and quickly let him go, a purple blush creeping across her face. “Goddess, Admiral, Major, I apologize, I realize that was not an appropriate reaction.”

“At ease, Doctor” Lemaire said, but then he laughed, clearly enjoying the rare display of Liara losing her cool. Was he enjoying setting them all up like this?

Liara was still buzzing. “Sorry, Admiral, I just didn’t expect …” she turned back towards Alenko, “... what are you doing here?”

Shepard watched as Kaidan frowned at her and then threw a quick glance in his direction. Then he looked straight at Lemaire “I … uh … I’m not sure.”

“I’ve asked Major Alenko to join us for this debrief, because I believe we could use his help on Feros,” Lemaire said calmly, as if he was explaining the weather to them. 

“You want us to take a Spectre to Feros to helps us raid some ruins?” Shepard spat at Lemaire. “What the hell, Lemaire?” He knew he was being rude talking like that with Alenko in the room, but still couldn’t stop himself. Lemaire could fuck around with the Alliance as much as he liked, but when had he started to fuck around with him?

“Hear me out, Shepard.” Lemaire raised a hand at him and stepped closer, but was interrupted by Alenko.

“Sorry, are you…” he gestured at Shepard, brows furrowed. “I mean, are you… and with Cerberus?”

Shepard squared up and locked eyes with him. He couldn’t blame Alenko for asking, couldn’t really blame anyone. Still, he was tired of those questions, tired of answering them, tired of thinking about them.

“Real?” he snapped. “As real as you can get after being brain dead and put into a coma for two years, if that’s what you’re asking. And no, I’m _not_ with Cerberus, I never was. But they were the ones that put me back together and gave me back my life, and a ship, so I took it, as long as I needed to.”

The room fell silent while Shepard held Alenko’s stare. He wasn’t going to give the major any more. Some part of him wanted Alenko to believe him, but he was done justifying his own existence to everybody, take it or leave it, they either believed him or they didn’t.

Just as the quiet started to get uncomfortable Alenko spoke again. “What’s on Feros?” He didn’t take his eyes off Shepard, but the way his mouth twisted told Shepard that the question wasn’t addressed at him.

“A Prothean keystone.” It was Liara who replied. She stepped forward and tapped the hologram above the center console and part of it enlarged in front of them. Finally, Alenko’s attention was drawn away from Shepard as he looked at the hologram.

“In 2135 I was part of a research group on Feros,” Liara continued and Shepard was reminded how easy it was to forget how old the Asari actually was. “We abandoned the excavations, because all we found back then was a pile of stones, nothing of any value. At least that’s what we thought.”

Alenko looked up at her but didn’t say anything.

“A few years ago, we also found a dead beacon, here on Sakura,” Liara said and Alenko’s eyebrows shot up. “It was badly damaged when we found it, but we’ve managed to restore it almost completely. We only found out what a keystone looks like when we took the beacon apart, but something damaged our stone and we had to remove it. But I remembered seeing one just like it amongst those stones we found on Feros, and checked my notes from back then. It looks like nothing, you wouldn’t recognize it if you didn’t know what you were looking at.”

Shepard had heard all this before, knew all the details, but he still couldn’t quite grasp why Lemaire would want to get the major involved. After the death of the Thorian, Creos Voltrus, a Salarian Spectre, had based himself on Feros, overseeing what was left of the colony and conducting some of his own research into the Prothean ruins. Voltrus had never made it a secret that he didn’t agree with Shepard being made a Spectre, and he openly hated Lemaire, furiously disagreeing with ‘the scrupulous way’ both, Shepard and the admiral, conducted their business, in his eyes.

“Voltrus would never let us land on Feros and just go digging in one of his ruins,” Lemaire explained. “The plan is to keep the Normandy in stealth mode and fly in and out with the combat shuttle. We’ve managed to install stealth technology on one of the shuttles, but we still have to switch it off for touchdown, and take the Mako on shore to get to the site.”

It wasn’t impossible to do without being discovered, but just on the off chance that they were, Alenko was the last person Shepard wanted to be found with them.

Lemaire touched the hologram and turned it into a map of Feros, and wordlessly marked the dig site, the location they had identified for landing, and then the port of Zhu’s Hope to the west.

“You want me as a decoy,” Alenko said, folding his arms in front of him, his eyes fixed on the map. There was no emotion in his voice and the look on Liara’s face told Shepard she was making as little sense of that statement as he was.

“We know he watches all his sites like a hawk,” Lemaire said. “It would increase our chances of getting this all done without anybody ever finding out.”

“What are you suggesting?” Garrus asked.

“Two days ago, one of Cerberus’ scientists killed a Salarian doctor on Omega,” Lemaire turned to look at Garrus. Shepard noticed that Alenko was still staring at the map, eyes distant, as if his thoughts had wandered elsewhere. “The Council sent Major Alenko to investigate. The doctor was a close acquaintance of Voltrus, and Voltrus asked the major for a report.”

An almost invisible frown flitted across Alenko’s forehead and Shepard suspected that Lemaire had just revealed that he knew more than he should. 

“I haven’t given him the report, yet,” Alenko said and looked back up at Shepard. His voice sounded neutral, stating the facts, but Shepard could see the turmoil in his eyes. Alenko wasn’t happy with Lemaire. “I’ve only informed him that I would like to see him in person to discuss the matter, once I returned from my _shore leave_.” He turned to Lemaire for the last two words.

Shepard huffed at that revelation. So, that was how Lemaire had coaxed Alenko to Sakura, the sleazy bastard. 

“This isn’t an order, Kaidan,” Lemaire said, softer than before, and Shepard had to admit, the admiral certainly knew how to play his cards. “The decision is yours, and only yours. I just think it would give us the chance to do this completely undercover, with no harm done to anybody, and Voltrus none the wiser afterwards.”

Alenko looked back at Shepard, eyes questioning as if he had the answer. Shepard wasn’t sure he liked the idea of a Council Spectre on board the Normandy, but Lemaire’s idea of throwing Voltrus a red herring while they went to look for the keystone wasn’t a bad one. Only no one had mentioned the possibility of it going wrong. What then?

On the other hand, he liked the man who stood across from him, the sound of his voice, especially when he swore. The devil in him wanted to see if he could get him to do it again, maybe, at some point. Still, he certainly wasn’t going to be the one to talk Alenko into it, no way.

“It would help,” was all he said instead. There it was, open door. The rest was up to Alenko.

The major held his gaze for a moment longer and then nodded, and focused back on the map in front of them. “I’ll think about it,” he said, before turning back towards Lemaire. “Permission to leave, Admiral?”

Lemaire didn’t reply straight away, and then only inclined his head.

Alenko saluted. “Commander. Vakarian.” He turned to Liara and briefly squeezed her arm; a sad smile appeared on his lips and was gone just as quickly. Then he turned on his heels and strode out the door.

“I’m glad he is here, Admiral, I really am,” Liara said once he was gone. “But was that really the best way to confront him with all this?” She made a gesture around the room, at nothing in particular, but Shepard knew she was talking about him.

“He sometimes needs a bit of a push, you know that better than anyone,” Lemaire said. “He’ll get over it.”

Shepard looked back at Liara who was bracing herself against the console, eyes darting across the image of the map, as if they were trying to keep up with her racing thoughts. When Lemaire brought up the hologram of the ruins again to discuss the rest of the mission, Shepard found he was only half-listening, his mind still occupied with the man he had just met, his voice still ringing in his ears. What the fuck indeed?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Kaidan meets Isla O'Donnell... and Shepard, again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A massive thank you to everyone who left kudos or lovely comments on the previous chapters, any love and feedback is very much appreciated (like grinning-stupidly-appreciated :D). This is still unbeta'd, so any mistakes are my own, but if you see anything glaringly obvious and wrong please let me know.

“So, this is where you’re hiding?”

Kaidan looked up from his drink as Liara slid onto the stool next to him, clinking her wine glass against his whiskey tumbler on the bar.

“I’m not hiding,” he grumbled, wringing his hands on top of the counter. “I just can’t say freaking _no_ to Lemaire, so this is me ‘letting my hair down’.” He lifted his glass in a nondirectional toast, and downed what was left in it in one go.

“On your own, in the darkest corner you could find?” Liara teased and pirouetted on her seat so the bar was at her back, before gracefully crossing one leg over the other underneath her uniform dress.

“At least here I won’t be surprised if Lemaire springs another dead person on me.”

“Kaidan!” Liara gave him the stare.

He held her gaze for a moment and then sighed and turned to face the crowds, too. He knew he was being unfair. It wasn’t Liara’s fault he was in such a foul mood and he was only venting his frustration at her because he knew she would let him without ever taking offence. And she was right, he had found the darkest corner of the club, at the end of the bar, but more out of habit than anything else.

He wondered if Lemaire had chosen this place on purpose, he was good like that, manipulative. The music was loud on the dancefloor, but much more muted around the edges, the lights low and not too strobing or colorful. There was a groove to the music that reminded Kaidan of going out in Vancouver as a teenager, of curly hair and swinging hips, of clothes hung out to air on the balcony afterwards, only to find them drenched and smelling twice as bad the next morning.

Next to him Liara sipped at her drink, lightly swaying to the beat, a smile on her face. “I’m glad you’re here.” She threw him a quick glance, her eyes warm and understanding.

“When were you going to tell me about all this?” Kaidan asked in reply. He should’ve said he was glad to see her, too, but instead he was being his typical idiotic self again.

The swaying stopped and Liara looked at him. “It wasn’t relevant to anything you were doing. You didn’t need to know and I didn’t want to burden you.”

“Every single one of my recent assignments had something to do with Cerberus, how can you say it wasn’t relevant?” he argued.

“Shepard isn’t with Cerberus anymore, and he was only using them because they were the only ones taking the Collector attacks seriously. Horizon wasn’t the first colony to vanish, he was there to stop the Collectors.”

“How do you even know it’s him?” Kaidan kept going. “For all we know, he could be Cerberus’ clone.”

“Because I gave them his body.” Liara said, with more force than Kaidan had expected.

“You what?”

“I found his body and Cerberus claimed they could bring him back,” Liara said. “I had a chance to have him back and I couldn’t let it go. The Collectors were after him, too, and Cerberus seemed to be the lesser evil, at the time.”

Kaidan stared at her. He knew Liara had served under Commander Shepard on the Normandy SR-1, and had survived the attack that had gotten him killed. He also knew that Shepard had been involved when her own mother had died, and although Liara had never told him how, Kaidan had always suspected it hadn’t been in a good way. But it had never occurred to him that Shepard could’ve been more to her than just a superior officer.

“You and Shepard, were you… are you…?” He asked, quieter now, trying to remind himself that it wasn’t Liara he was angry with.

The smile returned to her face, but she shook her head. “No, we’re not, never were,” she said, swirling her glass. “There was a time, at the beginning, when I thought I wanted to be his lover, but it passed pretty quickly.” She turned her head to meet his eyes again. “He’s a good person, though, Kaidan.”

Kaidan looked away. He was such a jerk sometimes. He was being judgmental, going by what he had heard or read about Shepard, rather than giving him the benefit of the doubt until he actually got to know the man. If Liara thought he was a good person Kaidan wanted to believe her, but Lemaire’s deception still stung.  

“Who else knows that he’s here?” he asked.

“A few people here on Sakura and Admiral Anderson,” Liara said and this time Kaidan wasn’t even surprised. He had contacted Anderson after the meeting with Shepard, and had already grown suspicious when Anderson had fobbed him off with some lame excuse about an appointment he was apparently late for. Anderson was never late for anything.  

Kaidan turned his attention back to the crowds around them, letting his eyes wander aimlessly. He didn’t like feeling so on edge, he always thought he was well in control of his own emotions, that he was better than this. He had also thought he knew Lemaire, and Admiral Anderson, but after today he wasn’t so sure anymore. His gaze came to rest on a group of women, and it took him a few seconds to realize who his eyes had fallen on.

Isla O’Donnell.

Skin so pale it almost appeared to be glowing, a slim body dressed in simple tight jeans, a white t-shirt and high heels, all framed by a lion’s mane of red curls down to her hips. He had never met her at BAaT, and had only seen some mugshot of a picture from when they had returned to Earth. Her hair had been shorter back then, but he had no doubt it was her. She was sitting at a table to the side of the dancefloor, deep in conversation with another woman. There was laughter, and talking hands, and more laughter, and Kaidan suddenly remembered Rahna.

His breath caught when the memory hit him and he knew instantly where it had come from. Isla looked nothing like her, quite the opposite to Rahna’s darker complexion, black hair and dark eyes, but the way she dressed, the way she smiled, and the way she threw her head back when she laughed, all reminded him of Rahna.

“Admiral.” Liara’s voice brought him back to his own company and he turned to find Lemaire making his way through the throng of people along the bar.

“Liara. Kaidan, I’m glad you could make it.” Lemaire wore his usual broad grin, as if the meeting a few hours earlier hadn’t actually happened.  

Kaidan squinted at him. “I’m not sure I had a choice. Knowing you, you probably would’ve sent a search party if I hadn’t shown up.”

“All for a good cause, Kaidan, all for a good cause. Come on, I’ll introduce you.” Lemaire chuckled and then nodded towards the corner of the dancefloor where Isla was sitting, and Kaidan realized he had been set up for a second time that day.

He didn’t get a chance to object as Lemaire had already pushed past him and was walking towards the women, and when Kaidan turned to look at Liara, hoping she would give him a way out, she only waved her hand at him, shooing him on with a wicked smile. Resigned, he climbed off his stool and followed Lemaire.

As they got closer he found that he couldn’t take his eyes of Isla; against the low lights of the club she looked like a firefly flirting with the night. She must have sensed being watched as she looked up and met his eyes and her expression turned serious, but not unwelcoming.

“Kaidan Alenko,” she said with a small smile on her lips, her blue eyes fixed on him. No ‘Major’, or getting up, if she was military trained she seemed to ignore it, and already Kaidan liked her for that. It was refreshing that she didn’t feel the need to salute him. When she held up her hand he reached out and shook it, and smiled, for what felt like the first time all night.

“Isla O’Donnell,” he simply said.  

“And this is Lieutenant Ashley Williams, Major.” Lemaire placed a hand on the other woman’s shoulder as she stood from her seat and quickly saluted. “She’s Shepard’s gunnery chief.”

Kaidan managed to hide his surprise, and quickly returned the salute, but then Ashley narrowed her eyes at him and he wondered if she had seen his hesitation. He guessed she knew about his meeting with Shepard and Garrus, and her slightly forced smile told him that there was something she wasn’t too pleased about.

Isla gestured at the seat next to her and Kaidan took the invitation to sit down, while Lemaire was beckoned over by someone a few tables along. He gave Kaidan an encouraging nod, briefly touched Ashley’s shoulder again and then disappeared.

“Kaidan Alenko,” Isla repeated, letting his name roll over her tongue as if she was trying to taste it, and Kaidan felt the blush on his cheeks, folding his hands on the table in front of him because he didn’t know what else to do with them. “You have quite a reputation, you know that?”

His eyebrows shot up as he looked back at her, and the sparkle in her eyes told him that she was teasing him. Kaidan chuckled and shook his head.

“It’s nice to finally meet you,” Isla continued, her voice turning softer. “Lemaire cannot speak highly enough of you, so much so I sometimes have to remind him that there are other biotics in this universe.”

Kaidan laughed. “I’m glad to know that he values me for something, even if it’s just my biotics.” He was still angry with Lemaire, but the way Isla was talking to him, maybe even flirting with him, made him feel a little more at ease. He had no idea how to flirt back, it had been a long time since he had done that with anyone, but if Isla had noticed she was polite enough not to show it.

“He envies us, really,” she chuckled. “He’s jealous that he has to get up from his couch when he wants a beer, that he can’t just biotically pull it from the fridge.”

“He still manages to pull us around in every direction he wants to, though.” Kaidan smiled. Isla didn’t say anything to disagree with him and somehow that made him feel better. At least he didn’t seem to be the only one.

“I hear you might be joining the crazy crew on the Normandy,” Isla said and flashed her teeth at Ashley across the table. When Kaidan looked up the soldier smiled back at him, but he got the impression it was more for Isla’s benefit than his own. Ashley wasn’t convinced about him, he could sense that much.

“I might be,” he replied and turned back to Isla. He wasn’t sure he wanted to continue this conversation, wasn’t sure how much Isla actually knew, and after Ashley’s reaction he felt increasingly as if he was crashing a party. Isla must have sensed his discomfort, as she looked at Ashley again, her smile slipping for a second.

“Listen, this is probably not the best place to have a conversation,” she said, “but I’d really like to continue this, if you don’t mind.” Then her expression sobered up and she lowered her gaze. “It’s not very often I get to talk to someone who knows what Brain Camp was like.”

Kaidan was amazed how quickly a conversation could go South sometimes, he could feel the mood shift when Isla mentioned Brain Camp, and he remembered why he had declined to meet her all those times before. She was beautiful, and nice, and easy to talk to, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to be reminded of where they had both come from all the time.

“I would love to,” he still said and pushed himself up from his chair, this time holding out his own hand first. As before, Isla didn’t get up but grabbed his hand with both of hers.

“Kaidan Alenko.” There it was again, this time repeated slowly as if not to forget it, and maybe to make sure he wasn’t scared away by her Brain Camp comment.

Kaidan smiled and nodded as she let go of his hand. “Lieutenant Williams,” he addressed the other woman, and then waved another shy goodbye towards Isla. ‘Just like Rahna,’ he thought. He scanned the tables around the dancefloor for Lemaire, but the admiral was nowhere to be seen. When he made his way back to the bar, Liara just smiled at him and gently squeezed his arm.

“How did I end up here, Liara?” he asked. He leaned against the bar and waved at the bartender for attention. “It feels like such a mess.”

“It will all become clear, I promise,” Liara said, playfully bumping her shoulder against his. “And Isla would be a nice mate for you.”

Kaidan chuckled bitterly and shook his head. He didn’t look at Liara but knew she was watching him. Isla brought up memories he wasn’t sure he was ready to face. He wanted to talk to her and wanted to forget all the same, wanted her to say his name and, at the same time, never say it again. He looked at the bartender again, who was still serving another customer further down the bar, and then up to where the dancing lights shaded the ceiling into blue, red, amber, then red again. He had no idea what he was doing here.

Finally, the bartender appeared in front of him.

“Whiskeys, please,” he said.

“Make that two doubles,” someone said next to him and Kaidan’s eyes widened when he recognized Commander Shepard sliding onto the seat Liara had apparently just vacated. He craned his neck to look past the commander and just caught a glimpse of Liara disappearing into the crowd on the dancefloor, but not before waving at him over her shoulder with a sheepish grin on her face.

Oh, he was so going to kill her for this. Along with Lemaire.

The bartender disappeared before Kaidan could say anything and Shepard just smiled. “You look like you can use something stronger.”

“What are you doing here?” Kaidan ignored his comment. “What if someone recognizes you?”

“I doubt anyone will,” Shepard smirked at him. “The mystery of soldiers in civvies, I think people genuinely believe I sleep in my armor. No one ever talks to me when I’m dressed like a normal person. And you’ve picked an excellent spot, Major.” He nodded towards the emergency exit not far from them. “We can always escape if it gets rough.”

“You’re expecting it to get rough?”

“Nah. Vakarian isn’t here, we’ll be fine.” Shepard chuckled, just as the bartender returned and placed two glasses of whiskey on the counter. “Put that on Admiral Lemaire’s tab,” Shepard said and the bartender just nodded and turned to his next customer, apparently completely unaware as to who he had just served. “Call it mission expenses.” Shepard winked at Kaidan and lifted his glass for a toast.

Kaidan took his own glass and clinked it against Shepard’s, but then just stared at the amber liquid in front of him. After the events of the day he was struggling to find anything to say to the commander. ‘Just like Rahna’ flickered through his mind again, but he couldn’t tell Shepard that. He took a big gulp and turned around towards the dancefloor, his back against the bar. He could feel Shepard’s eyes on him.

“You’re not enjoying yourself, Major?” Shepard asked.

“I’m like a sparrow in a fish tank in this place,” he said. Next to him Shepard laughed, and somehow the sound made Kaidan relax, made him look back at Shepard to meet a pair of piercing blue eyes that told him Shepard was with him on that. And Kaidan took notice of the commander’s leather jacket and his dark jeans, of the way he kept his back to the crowds, and how he ducked his head when Kaidan didn’t look away. Maybe Shepard was feeling as awkward as he was.

“You’ve met Isla O’Donnell then,” Shepard said and Kaidan looked up towards where the two women had sat earlier. The music had picked up and they weren’t sitting down anymore, but were up on their feet and dancing. He couldn’t help but watch, as the two women moved to the music, arms in the air and around each other, hips swinging and bodies bumping into each other now and again, completely unconcerned about who was watching.

“So I have,” he said, surprised at the hoarseness of his own voice. He sensed Shepard craning his neck next to him, following Kaidan’s gaze, but still not turning around.

“She’s quite something,” Shepard said. Kaidan just kept watching.

“She reminds me of being young,” he said, his eyes finding Isla again, before the memory got too heavy and he turned and looked at Shepard instead, only to find the commander’s gaze locked on him. It suddenly dawned on him that Shepard must have been watching him earlier, how else would he have known that he had met Isla.

“Is that a good or a bad thing?” Shepard asked.

“Bit of both, I guess,” Kaidan said. “Lieutenant Williams makes me feel like she would rather see the back of me, though.”

“Hah, don’t worry about her, Major,” Shepard grinned at him. “She growls at first, suspicious kid she is. She’ll come around eventually.”

“Doesn’t like sparrows in her fish tank, does she?” Kaidan smirked, which earned him another laugh from the commander, and Kaidan suddenly realized that he felt comfortable in the other man’s company. He didn’t know what had changed, but Shepard seemed to trust him enough to drop his mask. And maybe Kaidan should follow his example, rather than sulk, and try to return that trust.

The unexpected lightness of the moment vanished a second later, when he spotted Lemaire heading towards them from the other end of the bar. Beside him Shepard turned around and straightened up. 

“I see you two are making friends,” Lemaire said and patted each of them on a shoulder.

“I still don’t understand how you didn’t see the need to discuss this with us beforehand,” Shepard said, not taking the bait of Lemaire’s lighthearted tone.

“Because you would’ve never agreed,” Lemaire said, and for the first time he sounded serious. He turned towards Kaidan. “And neither would you.”

Kaidan just nodded but didn’t say anything. Lemaire was right, but that didn’t make _it_ right and Kaidan didn’t want to have that conversation in front of Shepard, knowing he would only regret his words afterwards. There was a dull throbbing at the back of his head that told him that his implant was getting fed up with the lights and the music.

He let Lemaire and Shepard do the talking, only contributing to the conversation when he was asked to, and eventually made his excuse to leave. He needed to sleep, needed to calm the chaos in his head, and dream away his anger at Lemaire. He had dealt with enough for one day. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, not sure why, but this was a hard one to edit and I'm still not sure I got it right. I hope you still enjoyed it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Kaidan makes a decision... and Shepard tries to impress, apparently.

When the next morning came, after a night of sleeping like a stone with no dreams to remember, Isla O’Donnell was still beautiful, and Commander Shepard was still alive.

Wearing only a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt Kaidan sat on the veranda steps outside his cabin, arms propped up on his knees and a hot cup of coffee in his hands, the crisp morning carrying no breeze but cooling his skin nonetheless. This was much better than the club from last night, Sakura’s sunlight slowly warming up the air, while the coffee warmed his stomach and his hands.

And Isla O’Donnell was still beautiful, and Commander Shepard was still alive, that much he knew. What he didn’t know was whether he could forget about Brain Camp, or Cerberus.

The streets around him were eerily empty, in a way that made Kaidan feel as if he was the only soul around, while the rest of the world was still asleep. Back in Vancouver he had loved those early hours of the day, and Orya didn’t seem too different in that respect. He brought his cup closer to his face to let the steam rise against his skin, and smiled to himself. Only the weather was definitely better on Sakura.  

From his viewpoint on the veranda he could see the spaceport on the other side of the bay, and he thought he recognized the cargo ship he had arrived on only the previous morning. Rows of maintenance hangars lined the shore beyond the port, one of them housing the Normandy, hiding it away from everybody’s view.

After returning from the club the night before he had tried to call Anderson, to no avail. He hadn’t dared to send a message, conscious that anything documented had the potential to expose Liara, Lemaire or Anderson. He might not completely agree with what was going on, but that didn’t mean he was going to tell on any of them.

The hum of an approaching space car made him look towards the street, and moments later the vehicle came to a stop at the bottom of the path leading up to his cabin.

“Ah, good, you’re up.” Lemaire climbed out from the driver’s side. In true Lemaire style the admiral was still driving his own car, even though his rank had granted him the convenience of a driver a long time ago. Most of Kaidan’s anger had disappeared over night, but that didn’t mean he would be all cheery and cuddly. He didn’t get up, and didn’t reply, when the admiral walked up the path towards him, and for the first time Lemaire’s smile was missing its usual cockiness.

“You left early last night,” Lemaire said as he sat down beside Kaidan, mirroring him, his forearms resting on his knees. He was dressed in a simple Alliance uniform not so different from Kaidan’s daily kit, nothing giving away the position he held, or the countless medals he had received. Admittedly, there hadn’t been any new ones to his name over the past few years, since Lemaire had fallen out of favor with the Alliance when he had punched ambassador Udina during a meeting with the Council.

Only Lemaire had always been a master of talking himself out of tricky situations, and a firm believer of asking for forgiveness rather than permission, as long as the person asking was doing it for the right reason. And in his view he had always done the right thing, even if his modus operandi didn’t necessarily fit in with the Alliance rule book. Punching Udina certainly didn’t, and even if Kaidan would never admit it, he had laughed when Anderson had told him over lunch one day.

Pulling broken biotics like Kaidan out of the gutter after the closure of Brain Camp certainly hadn’t been in the rule book either.

“Yeah,” Kaidan said flatly, and took a sip from his coffee, the rich taste hitting his tongue, then running down his throat just at the edge of burning. “Not quite the right place for the old implant, too last generation to enjoy the cool vibes, I guess.”

Lemaire chuckled quietly and looked at him. “Anderson was right, you do need to get out more.”

Kaidan raised an eyebrow at that. “Is that why you dragged me into this? So I would ‘get out more’?”

“I’m not dragging you into this, Kaidan, you know that,” Lemaire said, and there was no mocking in his voice this time. “I’ve asked you here because I think you can help us, but the decision is entirely yours. And I’ll accept whatever you decide, and if you want more time, I’ll wait until–”

“You won’t have to.” Kaidan sighed and bowed his head, staring down into the space between his arms, clenching his cup hard between his fingers. He could feel an ounce of dread somewhere deep in his stomach when he realized that once he said the next sentence out loud there would be no going back.

“Huh?” Lemaire looked at him in surprise. “I don’t?”

“I’ve made my decision.” Kaidan turned and met Lemaire’s eyes. “I will go with Shepard.”

A wide grin grew on Lemaire’s face and a moment later he grabbed the back of Kaidan’s neck and squeezed it firmly, his relief palpable. And if it hadn’t been for the years and years of serving as soldiers, following instructions, and living in discipline Lemaire would’ve probably hugged him, out there in the open. “Good,” he said, still smiling. “Good.” Then the smile faded, but didn’t disappear completely. “How come?”

“I don’t know,” Kaidan said and it was the truth. He took another sip from his coffee, which had turned cooler, more drinkable. “I still don’t know what to think about Commander Shepard, and about you harboring him and the Normandy. But I trust you and if you think this is the best way to get this done, then I trust you on that as well. And Liara thinks this stone is important, so there.” He huffed. “Maybe I just can’t say no to either of you.”

Lemaire laughed and followed Kaidan’s gaze towards the collection of ships across the bay. For a few minutes they sat in silence. Kaidan had never understood the hype about Commander Shepard, but now that he had agreed to join him on his ship he felt a hint of excitement in his gut that he hadn’t expected to find there. He couldn’t recall the exact point at which he had made his decision, it almost felt like his mind had already decided for him by the time he had woken up this morning. It also surprised him how little said mind was worried about it all going wrong.

“So, Isla…” the admiral eventually said and smirked at Kaidan.

“Lemaire, stop. Give me a break.” Kaidan laughed. “I’ve just agreed to technically help you steal from a fellow Spectre, you’re not going to lure me into your ridiculous matchmaking game as well. One thing at a time, I need a clear head for this.”

Lemaire snorted a laugh, but then just smiled and nodded his head.

“How are your folks?” he asked after another short pause, and Kaidan smiled. He hadn’t realized until after Brain Camp that Lemaire and his dad had gone through cadet training together, and had served under the same commander for some time. Kaidan had been waiting for Lemaire to ask, knowing he was fond of his dad, and of his mother and her cooking. Sometimes Kaidan thought enquiring about _his_ family was Lemaire’s way of making up for the loss of his own. His son had gone AWOL six years ago, and his wife had left him shortly after, blaming Lemaire for their son going rogue.

“They’re great,” Kaidan was all too happy to report. “Although I haven’t seen them for a long time, too long, to be honest. But we talk regularly, Mom says ‘Hello’, I told them I was going to see you. Dad only said to stay out of trouble, he must have known you were up to no good.”

Lemaire whole heartedly laughed and then they sat in silence again, and Kaidan was sure Lemaire was thinking about his own family. He wondered what his father would say if he knew what Kaidan was about to do. He knew what his mom would say.

_‘You need to do what you need to do, son. As long as you come out at the other end and can still look at yourself in the mirror.’_ And then she would smirk and add, _‘and find a nice lover along the way, Kaidan, there is more to life than just following rules,’_ which would earn her an eye-roll from his dad, while Kaidan only laughed. It wouldn’t even surprise him if his mom was in on the matchmaking with Lemaire.

“I miss them,” Kaidan said quietly, staring at the small amount of almost cold coffee left at the bottom of his cup. He wondered if he could borrow the ground coffee and the old coffee mill he had found in the cabin’s kitchen, and take it with him on this trip. He’d bring it back, of course, replace the coffee he had used.

“Yeah,” Lemaire said next to him. “Me too.” And Kaidan knew he wasn’t just talking about Kaidan’s parents.

***

“Commander, you have a call from Admiral Lemaire.” EDI’s voice came through the intercom as Shepard was pulling on his breeches. After running around the shuttle bay like a hamster for an hour, he had just finished showering, wet patches still cool on his skin where his towel had missed a few spots.  

“Patch him through,” Shepard said, but before he could add ‘voice only’ EDI had activated the video link on one of his monitors on his desk, and Lemaire’s face flickered into view.

“Commander, make yourself decent, would you.” The admiral grinned. “Or have a word with your AI.”

“I’m good,” Shepard said and made his way towards one of his drawers, disappearing out of Lemaire’s view. “Keep talking.” He didn’t care if the admiral saw him half naked, other than a few glowing scars there wasn’t anything special to see anyway. He grabbed a t-shirt and his hoodie, before walking back up the stairs to his desk.

“I just wanted to give you the quick heads up that Major Alenko will be with you in thirty minutes,” Lemaire continued as Shepard sat down in his chair while pulling the shirt over his head. He stopped, the shirt momentarily forgotten halfway down his chest, as he raised his eyebrows at Lemaire’s image.

“That was quick,” he said and pulled the shirt down the rest of the way. “What did you do, Lemaire, threaten his mother?”

Lemaire laughed. “Nothing of that kind. And if you’d met his mother you would know that there isn’t much chance of threatening her with anything.”

“You know his mother?” Shepard cocked his head. Was that how he knew Alenko so well?

Lemaire laughed again, clearly getting what Shepard was insinuating. “I know his parents, yes, Shepard, but we’re getting off track here. Thirty minutes. And make sure Ashley doesn’t bite his head off. Lemaire out.”

And with that the screen went blank. Shepard chuckled and shook his head, and then remember that he hadn’t had breakfast yet, and he hadn’t expected Alenko to make up his mind so soon, especially after leaving the club in what definitely wasn’t a good mood the night before. Hell, after last night Shepard was almost convinced Alenko would say no. He had half expected to be leaving for Feros without the added help of the Spectre.

“EDI,” he addressed the ship as he pulled his hoodie over his head, walking towards the doors of his cabin. “Get someone to prepare Starboard Observation for Major Alenko. You’ve heard Lemaire, we have thirty minutes.”

“Consider it done, Commander,” EDI replied, while Shepard was already calling the elevator.

Twenty-nine minutes later Shepard was stepping off the elevator into the shuttle bay just as Alenko was walking up the ramp, dressed in his basic Alliance uniform and a duffle bag slung over his shoulder.

“Major Alenko, Spectre,” Shepard said, and offered his hand before the major had a chance to stand to attention.

“Major is fine, Commander,” Alenko said and shook Shepard’s hand with a strong handshake. “I will follow _your_ orders while I’m here, Commander, I don’t want to muddy the waters with the rest of the crew just because I carry a higher rank.”

Shepard narrowed his eyes at the man in front of him. It wasn’t quite what he had expected, but then again, he wasn’t sure what he had thought the major would say. Maybe a ‘ _I’m not doing this for you_ ’, or a ‘ _Let’s just get this over with_ ’. Only when Alenko cleared his throat did he realized that he was still holding on to the major’s hand. To cover up his blunder he squeezed it once more before letting it go.

“I’m glad you could join us, Major,” he said quickly. “Welcome on board. Let me show you your quarters and give you a tour. And call me Shepard, everyone else does.”

He waved at Alenko to follow him and smiled to himself when the major jogged a few steps to catch up with him. Maybe Alenko was okay to follow his orders, but he clearly still liked to be on even ground with him, and Shepard found he like that. He pushed the call button for the elevator and moments later the doors slid open and they both stepped inside.

“We’ve prepared the Starboard Observation Deck for you,” Shepard said, just as a Garrus’ voice came through the ship’s intercom.

“Damnit, Shepard, this junk didn’t look half as bad when we picked it up.”

Shepard smirked, and Alenko frowned at him. He could picture Garrus surrounded by piles of weapons, scratching his head. “Garrus, I’m kinda busy,” he said towards the ceiling, because he didn’t want to look at Alenko. Next to him Alenko did the same. “See what we can use and we’ll dispose the rest.”

“Are you sure we picked up the right stash, I’m getting the feeling that bitch played us,” the Turian simply ignored Shepard’s comment.         

“Garrus!” Shepard warned. Garrus didn’t reply, and Shepard was saved by the elevator doors as they opened onto the crew deck. He quickly stepped out, hoping the Turian was done with his rant.

“Please don’t go to any trouble on my account,” Alenko said, eyeing the crew quarters as they were heading past them. “I’m more than happy to stay with the rest of the crew, no need to make any special arrangements.”

“It’s no trouble, Major,” Shepard looked sideways at Alenko and continued towards Starboard Observation. “I appreciate you being here, believe me. And if I’d known Lemaire was going to ask you to do this I would’ve tried to convince him to find another way. I might not always see eye-to-eye with the Alliance, but I’m no fan of forcing someone to risk their career against their own will.”

“I’m not doing this against my own will,” Alenko countered, and then stopped dead when they stepped into the Observation lounge, and Shepard couldn’t help but feel a little bit smug about his ship.

“This… this really isn’t necessary,” Alenko stammered, eyes wide. “I’d much rather– ”

“Major, no,” Shepard interrupted him harshly. He might be brash sometimes, but he still knew how to treat people right, especially when they were willing to take a risk for him. “Regardless of what we’re about to do, you’re still a Spectre and if I’m the reason you might lose that status then the least I can do is make the ride into ruin comfortable for you.”

Alenko huffed. “You sure know how to make that sound encouraging.”

“Just want to make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into.” Shepard pushed his hands into the pockets of his hoodie, suddenly feeling embarrassed about his outburst. “I’m not sure what you are to Admiral Lemaire, but he clearly thinks very highly of you, to ask you to do this.”

Alenko turned away from him and stared out the large window that covered almost the whole length of the room. For a moment he looked like he was reconsidering his decision, but then he shook his head and made his way over to the bed that had been arranged against the wall opposite the window. He dropped his bag at the foot of it and then gestured for Shepard to lead the way.

Just as they left the room Garrus’ voice came through the intercom again. “Shepard, man, whoever you traded with for this should be shot. We should’ve hacked Cerberus’ bank before we deserted–”

“Garrus, I’m still busy here!” Shepard’s snapped, but couldn’t hide a smile.

Alenko frowned again, but seemed to decide not to comment, and Shepard wondered if the major had ever been on the same ship as a Turian before. Judging by the look on his face, he hadn’t, and Shepard smiled again as he pictured Alenko meeting Tali, or even Wrex.  

There was a pause, but then Garrus was back through the intercom. “Busy with what?”

Shepard snorted, but kept the snarky remark that was sitting on his tongue to himself. He gestured at Alenko to follow. And then he suddenly realized how unprofessional his conversation with Garrus must have looked to Alenko. He stopped and turned towards him, sheepishly running his hand over the back of his neck.

“Sorry, our friendly Turian is only slightly obsessed with his armory,” he said, because that was all his mind could come up with. Going by the look on Alenko’s face he was probably wondering who was actually in charge on the ship. Sometimes Shepard wasn’t sure himself.

“Well, never mind,” he said to the floor at his feet when there was no further reaction from Alenko, and then looked up to find they had ended up just in front of the medical bay. He could see Chakwas through the window and sent a silent thank you in her direction. “Come on, let me introduce you to the doctor,” he said and quickly walked through the doors.

They managed to get through the remainder of their tour without any further Vakarian interruptions. They got to Joker just as the pilot was right in the middle of an argument with a EDI, who sat in the co-pilot’s seat next to him. When Shepard mentioned she was the ship’s AI Alenko looked impressed, and a little scared at the same time.

He pointed out Liara’s quarters, but the Asari was still working on shore, trying to get as much intel about Voltrus out of some archive files Shepard might have ‘accidentally taken on board in a hurry’ when they had ‘borrowed’ the Normandy and disappeared from Cerberus’ radar. Alenko didn’t laugh, but smiled, and Shepard took that as his first small victory. Small steps, one smile at a time. He’d get to the major eventually.  

He finally got an actual laugh when they got to the main battery, even if Alenko tried to swallow it immediately. They had found Garrus. Surrounded by the ‘junk’ he had been referring to earlier, he stood in the middle of the room, his hands on his hips, and was looking as if he didn’t know where to start. He turned around when he heard the door opening, and then straightened up and regarded them with a suspicious look.

“Found anything useful yet?” Shepard asked.

“No,” Garrus replied and then grabbed what looked like a Krogan missile launcher and held it up. “Where did this come from? A scrap dealer on Tuchanka?”

“Maybe you shouldn’t have blown up all those _good_ crates, Garrus.” Shepard smirked.

Garrus mumbled something incomprehensible and then climbed out of the pile, to place the missile launcher on a heap of similar items next to his workbench. Shepard could feel Alenko watching him, probably wondering if they had raided a C-Sec confiscation room. An Eclipse smuggling depot on Daratar wasn’t quite C-Sec, but Shepard had the impression telling Alenko that wouldn’t make much difference.

Just then Alenko’s omni-tool pinged. “It’s Liara, sir,” Alenko said when Shepard threw him a curious look. “She’s just arrived. Would you mind if I… uh… go and see her?”

“Not at all,” Shepard said, feeling relieved that he didn’t have to explain Garrus’ mountain of weapons any further. “Final crew briefing with Lemaire is set for 1400.”

“Aye aye, sir.” Alenko saluted him, and then left the main battery towards Liara’s office.

Shepard watched the doors slide shut behind him. He didn’t know how to feel about this guy, but he didn’t like the thought of Alenko saluting him. He wanted the major to trust him, not stand to attention because Lemaire had asked him to. And Alenko was certainly cautious, or even still suspicious, the way he hardly ever smiled and didn’t engage much in any conversation that could make him reveal anything about himself. He was subtle about it, imperceptibly guiding anything away from himself, but Shepard still noticed.

He sighed and turned back towards Garrus, and then stopped when the Turian was looking at him with his arms folded over his chest and his mandibles raised.

“What?” He was surprised at the irritation in his own voice.

Garrus narrowed his eyes. “You're sighing.”

“So?” Shepard said, confused.

“You were huffing yesterday, now you’re sighing, and you were _busy_ showing the major around the ship,” Garrus said, the clicking accompanying his voice telling Shepard that the Turian was trying hard not to laugh. “You’ve never shown anyone around the ship, Shepard, if I didn’t know any better I’d say you wanted to impress _Spectre_ Alenko.”

Shepard laughed and flipped him off. “Oh, shut up, I’m only being nice. The poor man has just been thrown into the fire with _us_ , I kinda feel sorry for him. And I’m certainly not sighing or huffing.”

“Sure, the poor man.” Garrus chuckled and looked at the heaps of weapons to his feet, but then turned back towards Shepard and pointed a mocking talon at him. “What do I always say, human, your skin isn’t thick enough. He’s already there, Shepard, underneath it.”

“Fuck off.” Shepard laughed again and then joined the Turian on his quest to make order of the chaos surrounding them. It wasn’t about impressing Alenko, but arguing would only feed the beast, and Shepard would never hear the end of it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Shepard gets more than he bargained for...

They had left Sakura under the cover of darkness and cleared the relay during the early hours of the next morning before settling in for the two-day journey that lay ahead of them. Shepard had briefed the crew straight after their departure and then had ordered them to get some rest. He had a feeling they might need it. Creos Voltrus hadn’t been made a Spectre for no reason, and Shepard was almost counting on not getting away lightly.

It was well into the second night cycle when Shepard found himself in the empty CIC, reclined into one of the chairs along the terminals. His hands folded behind his head, he was staring at the dimly lit holographic map of Attican Beta in front of him while listening to the mutter of Joker’s and EDI’s conversation that filtered through from the cockpit. He didn’t know what it was, but it seemed the two of them could talk for years. It amazed him, given he never managed to go beyond barking orders at the AI, or asking her to dig up information on this, that or the other. Then again, he didn’t sit next to her for hours and hours on end.

He sighed and closed his eyes. He liked the Normandy at night during transit, when most of the crew were either asleep or had retreated into the private corners of the ship. It gave him the opportunity to roam free, to stretch his legs along the corridors or let off some steam with the punch-ball down in the shuttle bay. At this time of night, she was truly his, his private haven, the calming place he thought of as home.

Since Cerberus had brought him back from the dead there was this constant feeling of being wired, as if the cybernetics inside him produced all this additional energy that kept him moving, kept him restless in the middle of the night. It made his eyes glow red and his scars flare up when his emotions ran hot, and came with a physical strength that had almost shocked him the first time he had swung a punch. Tonight, though, it was only a tingle in his shins, and ever since they had left Omega, his eyes had simply stared back at him completely normal and blue whenever he had looked at himself in the mirror, the scars on his face nothing more than shaded trails across his cheekbone and jawline.

“Shepard.” Joker’s voice made him open his eyes and turn his head.

“Joker.”

“So, who are we doing a favor for here?” Joker asked.

“Favor?” Shepard frowned towards the cockpit but found Joker hadn’t even turned around, still tapping his fingers on the display in front of him, in a fierce pattern that didn’t make any sense to Shepard.  

“Come on, Shepard.” Joker tilted his head but still didn’t turn around. “We have a Spectre on board, that either means we’re doing someone a favor or we’ve been naughty. Since we’ve already been naughty beyond any Alliance imagination, I’m guessing we’re doing the Spectre a favor.”

“We always have a Spectre on board, Jeff,” EDI butted in.

“Yeah, but he don’t count,” Joker countered.

“The Council hasn’t revoked his status yet,” EDI said.

“That’s not the point,” Shepard interrupted before the two of them could go any further down that road. EDI was right, the Council hadn’t revoked his Spectre status yet, but he was sure that was only because most of them still thought he was dead. He hadn’t used his Spectre codes since he had woken up, on the off chance it would make him traceable. The last thing he wanted was for anybody to track him down just because he had used them to opened a fucking door.

“I’m just saying,” Joker continued. “Last time we played space cruiser for a Spectre, Nihlus ended up dead.”

Shepard sat up in his chair. “Let’s try and keep this one alive, shall we?” he said, not keen on comparing Alenko with Nihlus. He felt a sudden urge to hit Joker over the head for bringing up that ill-fated mission.  

“Heck, we’re not losing Alenko, Shepard, not if I can help it. I like him.” Joker laughed. “All this quiet thoughtfulness and composure, it makes people want to behave themselves.”

Shepard snorted. “Are you including yourself in that?”

“Hell no!” Joker finally turned around to look at him. “And I wouldn’t usually include you in that either, but I heard you gave the major a tour…”

“Drop it, Joker, I was just being nice.”

“Yeah, sure.” Joker’s face morphed into a sneer. “But, to come back to my point of Spectre favors. What’s in this for Alenko?”  

“I don’t know,” Shepard said truthfully. “It’s not Alenko who’s asking for a favor, Lemaire wanted him to join us.”

“He’s doing this simply because Lemaire asked him to?” Joker frowned at him.

“He says he’s here because he wants to be, but I have a feeling that Lemaire has something to hold over him,” Shepard said. “Or maybe Lemaire just hopes Alenko can negotiate us out of the shit if Voltrus finds out we’re plundering his ruins.”

“Hah.” Joker laughed. “Or he’s just worried you might blow up the place.”

Shepard narrowed his eyes at Joker. “I don’t need a babysitter.”

“Boom,” Joker said, splaying his hands for effect, his trademark smirk on his face. “It has happened before, Shepard.” Then he chuckled and turned back towards his display.

Shepard sighed and slumped back into his chair. Was he really that bad that Lemaire thought he needed to bring in a Spectre to keep him on a leash? Somehow that sounded like a lame excuse for nothing. Maybe there was more in it for Alenko than he let on. Then again, Alenko’s surprise when he had walked into Lemaire’s war room for the first time had been so genuine it was hard to believe he had come here with a hidden agenda.

He wondered if Liara was still up, maybe she could shed some light on the major, she had been friends with him for a long time, it seemed.

“EDI, who else is still awake?” he asked, hoping the Asari might still be trawling through all the intel she tended to broker around the galaxy.

“Doctor Chakwas and Major Alenko,” EDI said, and both Joker and Shepard looked at her in surprise.

“Seriously?” Joker asked. “We’ve been talking about him straight for the last ten minutes and you didn’t think of maybe mentioning that he was still up?”

“You didn’t ask,” EDI simply replied, but kept her focus on the display in front of her.

“God, what if he heard us?” Joker sighed.

“Why wouldn’t you want him to hear us, Jeff?” Shepard grinned.

Before Joker could reply EDI jumped in again. “While my acquaintance with Jeff hasn’t been of a very long time yet, I have noticed that, although he seems to be very open to the notion of gossip, Jeff does not like being caught in the act of gossiping, especially not by the person he is gossiping about.”

Shepard almost choked as he burst out laughing while Joker just grumbled a muffled “Thanks, EDI”.

“Where is Major Alenko now?” Shepard asked once he caught his breath.

“In the mess,” EDI replied. “He is having a second meal.”

“Second meal?” Shepard furrowed his forehead.

“Yes, Commander,” EDI said.

“In the middle of the night?”

“Answering questions that address the physiological needs of an individual organic lifeform at a particular point in time exceeds my current programming, Commander. I suggest you ask the major those questions yourself,” EDI said and Shepard wondered when Joker had started to rub off on the AI.

“Alright, I’m going.” He pushed himself out of the chair. “Let me know when we’re two hours out from our drop point.”

“Aye aye, Commander,” Joker said, and even though Shepard couldn’t see his face he could tell the pilot was laughing. He shook his head and made his way to the elevator.  

He found the major sitting at the table in the mess, a plate with steaming hot food in front of him and a datapad next to it. It looked like he had been about to pick up something with his fork, but then got side-tracked by whatever he was reading on the pad, fork and food still trapped in the motion, but temporarily forgotten. He only looked up when Shepard stopped at the end of the table, as if he hadn’t even heard him coming.

“Commander, uh, Shepard,” Alenko said. “I didn’t expect anybody else to be up.”

“Neither did I,” Shepard said and nodded towards the seat opposite Alenko. “Do you mind?”

“No, no, not at all.” The major moved his datapad aside.

Shepard sat down and then raise a questioning eyebrow at the steaming mix of bacon and vegetables on Alenko’s plate. He could smell the spices and although he wasn’t hungry his mouth watered. “That looks like a decent mid-night snack, Major. Did you skip dinner or something?”

Alenko smiled and ducked his head, color rising on his cheeks when he started pushing potatoes around his plate, and Shepard felt a victorious grin creep onto his own face.

“Biotics, sir,” Alenko said and Shepard’s grin almost turned into a grimace. Alenko shouldn’t ‘sir’ him, it just didn’t feel right.

“It’s John.” His mouth was quicker than his mind, and he caught the huffed breath that escaped Alenko as his head shot up. ‘Caught off guard again’, Shepard thought and smiled. He liked that much more.

Alenko just stared at him. “Kaidan,” he eventually offered.

“Pleasure.” Shepard grinned again. He could work with that.

And Alenko didn’t back down, but firmly held his gaze with a small but genuine smile. “The pleasure is all mine.”

Then he chuckled and looked back down at his food. He began moving the potatoes again, as if it would make a difference which one he would eat first, and then picked one at random and shoved it into his mouth. Shepard couldn’t stop his curiosity.

“So,” he started again. “Biotics?”

Kaidan’s laugh came from his chest rather than his lips as he chewed and then swallowed before speaking again. “Yeah, biotics. Couldn’t sleep, stomach kept growling at me like a drive core so I thought I’d better feed it. Greedy little pig.”

Shepard laughed as he remembered the size of Miranda’s portions while the Cerberus officer had still been on board. He was glad he had offered Alenko his name, as for the first time there was no sign any of caginess in Kaidan’s voice.

“Now I understand why Lemaire was so adamant that we take extra provisions,” Shepard teased. “He knew we had to feed _you_.”

“He did?” Kaidan shook his head, but was still smiling. He forked around his plate again and shoveled some more food into his mouth, and then another laugh rumbled across the table when he realized he was just proving Lemaire’s point.

Shepard regarded him for a moment before he asked his next question. “You’ve known the admiral for a long time?”

Kaidan nodded and hummed and again made sure he wasn’t chewing on anything when he spoke again. “Yeah, since I came back from Jump Zero. I guess that’s how he knows Isla, too. She was at BAaT, too.”

“Same time as you?” Shepard asked.

“Apparently yes, although in a different group to me. I certainly can’t remember ever meeting her there.” Kaidan shook his head.

Shepard had heard about BAaT. There had been a time, when he was younger, when he had been obsessed with biotics, or rather with the fact that he didn’t have any. He had literally inhaled any information he could find on the topic. By then the biotics training facility at Jump Zero had been closed for almost ten years, and most of the details on it had been classified. And then Akuze had happened, and somehow after that nothing had really mattered that much anymore for a while.

“It was shut down, wasn’t it?” Shepard asked. Kaidan grew tense and seemed to find it harder to swallow, and Shepard realized he had hit a nerve.

“Yep,” Kaidan said and shifted in his seat.

And Shepard knew he was treading on rough terrain, but he was intrigued by this man, so he pushed on regardless.

“Something happened, didn’t it?” He raked his memory for anything he had read back then. Some kind of incident, something about a Turian instructor.

The fork now motionless in his hand, Kaidan was staring at the food in front of him, clearly wanting to be anywhere but where he was sitting right now. But Shepard still wanted to know. This had everything to do with where Kaidan came from and how Lemaire knew him, and Shepard had a feeling this was important if he wanted to find out why he was here with them.

“Something about one of the students going crazy and killing an instructor…”

At that Kaidan’s head snapped up, and he pinned Shepard into his chair with brown eyes that were filled with nothing but pain, old and deep, and the truth of what Shepard had just said and what Kaidan’s eyes was silently telling him crushed the air out of his lungs.

His mouth went dry and he tried to swallow, but his throat suddenly felt as if Kaidan had reached across the table between them and was strangling him with both hands. Still, Kaidan’s hand remained clenched around the fork, knuckles white, frozen.

“Shit…” Shepard stammered. “That was you?”

Kaidan looked away, at the wall beyond the end of the table, and not at the wall at all, and Shepard could finally breathe again. Fuck, he hadn’t expected that. Then the hand holding the fork moved again and Kaidan continued to eat, awkward and slow, without looking at Shepard. And Shepard was in awe of the man. Kaidan hadn’t just stood up and left or told him to fuck off. Instead he had let him see the truth and even though it clearly pained him, he had stayed and let it happen.

“Shit, Kaidan, I’m sorry.”

Kaidan just nodded, slowly, as though he was thinking about what that meant, but didn’t say anything. They sat in silence for a long time, and Shepard just watched while Kaidan finished his food. Kaidan didn’t look at him, not once. He didn’t seem uncomfortable, rather as if he was lost so deep in his own thoughts that he had forgotten Shepard was there. He finally mopped up the last bit of sauce with the last potato and then set down the fork and pushed the plate to one side. He interlaced his fingers on the table in front of him and stared at them, slowly kneading the palm of one hand with the thumb of the other.

Shepard’s eyes were fixed on those hands, the pale skin, the scar on the back of that thumb, and on how little space there was between Kaidan’s hands and his own. He wanted to reach across and touch Kaidan, but knew he shouldn’t, so he pressed his knuckles against each other instead.

“What happened?” he tried carefully.

Kaidan’s eyes flickered up and locked on his, but there was no anger or irritation in them. They were searching for something, and Shepard just held his ground, trying to figure out if Kaidan would tell him or shut him down.

“There was this girl, Rahna,” Kaidan suddenly said still holding his gaze, and Shepard recognized the challenge. Kaidan was testing him, trying to gauge if Shepard was ready to have that awkward conversation, after having asked an uncomfortable question he clearly hadn’t anticipated asking. Shepard just nodded his head. Now that he had gotten to this point, now that he knew what Kaidan had done, he wanted to know why. Kaidan didn’t strike him as the kind of guy who would kill for no reason.

“We were close, I Iiked her,” Kaidan continued and finally dropped his eyes again. “Vyrnnus, the instructor, he set her up to fail. And when she did he hurt her as punishment. And I just lost it.”

Shepard waited for a moment, sensing that Kaidan hadn’t quite finished yet, and Kaidan lifted his head and they locked eyes again.

“I still remember the anger and the force of my biotics. But the worst thing was the noise when his neck snapped. I didn’t realize what it was until I saw him hit the ground and not get up again. Everything else is kind of hazy.”

Shepard swallowed hard.

“What about your friend? Was she okay?” he asked, his own voice hoarse. Kaidan must have liked her a lot to evoke that kind of reaction.

“Rahna?” Immediately the pain was back in Kaidan’s eyes and he looked away again and took a deep breath. “She was fine. But after that she was scared of me even more than she had ever been of Vyrnnus. He only broke her arm…” Kaidan hesitated and turned back towards Shepard. “I killed him.”

“You were trying to protect her,” Shepard said forcefully.

Kaidan nodded, going back to staring at his hands, and Shepard could tell he was slipping into his own thoughts again when his eyes grew distant once more. Then he snapped out of it and stood, reaching for his plate. And again, Shepard just watched him as he went to wash the dish in the sink and then set it out on the rack next to it to dry. He dried his own hands with one of the towels and then turned towards Shepard.

“I’d appreciate if you could keep this to yourself,” he said.

“Of course,” Shepard said and thought about apologizing again, but then changed his mind. He felt sorry for Kaidan for what had happened, but that wasn’t his fault and had nothing to do with him. He wasn’t sorry at all for actually asking, he was glad he had. He wanted to know everything there was to know about Kaidan. Garrus was right, the man had gotten under his skin.

Kaidan sighed, as if he had been waiting for that apology, but finally realized it wasn’t going to come.

“Goodnight, sir.” He grabbed his datapad and turned and headed towards his quarters, and Shepard felt a stab of disappointment at Kaidan reverting back to addressing him as ‘sir’ again.

“Goodnight, Kaidan,” he called after him, but Kaidan had already palmed the lock of the Observation Deck. A moment later the doors slid shut behind him and the lock engaged and flickered to red.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be Feros, which is a bit of a beast in my head so it might take a few days longer between updates. Until then, happy reading. :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Kaidan meets James Vega...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a monster of a chapter, um, sorry about that... Oh... and oh, hello, James Vega. :)

Kaidan wasn’t sure why he had told Shepard about Vyrnnus. He hadn’t expected the turn in conversation, never mind confessing to Shepard when it had. On reflection, he didn’t know what he had expected. That they’d compare battlefield stories or talk about Feros? Or about Isla, or Garrus’ obsession with his armory? But not Rahna or Vyrnnus. And EDI probably had heard the whole conversation, too. Why hadn’t he just stood up and left, why had he told the commander?

“He’s a good man,” Liara tried to assure him as they left her office to make their way to the war room for the final briefing before Kaidan would set off to Zhu Hope in the shuttle. “He won’t tell anybody about what you told him, and neither will EDI. Nor would he ever use it against you, he’s not like that.”

Kaidan threw her a doubting look as they walked along the corridor towards the elevator.

“Kaidan.” Liara’s tone turned a nuance darker and he knew he was about to get lectured. “You’re worried, because you still think he might be working for Cerberus, but he’s not. And he’s not a machine–”

“I didn’t say that,” Kaidan interrupted her, but Liara held up her hand to stop him.

“I know, but you’re still wondering,” she said. “I’ve been your friend long enough to know when something doesn’t sit quite right with you. And I’m telling you, whatever you’re thinking, stop it. He’s a perfect human being, just like you, be it with a few more cybernetic connections in his body. I think he simply wants to get to know you. You’re an interesting person, you know.”

He huffed at her, knowing she was right, but at the same time he was frustrated that she could so easily see right through him. Liara just smiled and nudge him with her elbow as they stepped into the elevator, and as always, he could do nothing but smile back.

“Is that why I’m here?” He teasingly raised an eyebrow, trying to cover up how ridiculous he felt for having this conversation with her again. “Because I’m an interesting person?”

Liara laughed and they stepped off the elevator again as the doors opened onto the Command Deck. “You’re here because you’re a good person, too. And because Spectre Voltrus trusts you.”

“Yeah.” Kaidan grimaced at her. “And I’m going to piss right onto that trust.”

Liara elbowed him again and palmed the lock for the war room, and they both stepped through the doors.

Inside Shepard stood braced against the center console talking to Garrus, while the Turian flicked through a series of images on the display in front of them. When Shepard heard the doors open he drew himself up, and Kaidan had the feeling those blue eyes were staring right into his soul when they landed on him and lingered, before moving on to Liara.

“Ah, Major. Liara,” Shepard said. “Glad you’re here. We’re only waiting for Williams and Joker.”

John. His name. And those eyes.

Kaidan suddenly knew why he hadn’t told Shepard to get lost the night before, why he had told him about Rahna and Vyrnnus. When Shepard had offered him his name, Kaidan had felt special. ‘Call me Shepard’ Shepard had said when Kaidan had first come on board. ‘Shepard’ was almost an order, and following it meant to be part of Shepard’s crew, part of the close-knit team he had built around him. But ‘John’ was an offering, something private, something shared only between him and Kaidan after midnight in the mess hall, and no one else. It felt precious.

He only realized he had stopped just inside the door when he felt Liara’s hand on his back, gently pushing him on. He gave her half a smile and moved further into the room to stand next to Garrus, consciously ordering his thoughts about the previous night into the back of his mind, where they could wait while he concentrated on what lay ahead. Lemaire had asked for his help with Voltrus, he was here to do a job, not to get worked up about what he should or shouldn’t have said to Shepard.

He turned when the doors slid open again, and Lieutenant Williams walked in, Joker hauling himself into the room on his crutches behind her before flopping onto a chair next to Kaidan.

“Alenko,” he greeted him with a wide grin, and Kaidan nodded with a small smile in return. Ashley just regarded him with a twist of her lips, but Kaidan wasn’t sure if it was even meant to be friendly. She wasn’t rude, but still only talked to him if it was absolutely necessary, and the conversation usually ended even before he could get over his surprise that she had actually spoken to him.

“Right,” Shepard started, and when Kaidan looked back at him their eyes met again, and Kaidan thought he saw a glimmer of uncertainty flicker across the commander’s face. But Shepard quickly dropped his gaze and braced himself against the edge of control island again. “We’ve managed to get some images from the old research site.” He moved his hand to bring up an image above the console for everyone to see. “We think we have identified the location of the keystone, so hopefully we should be in and out in no time.” He tapped the image and a section of the rock face enlarged, but didn’t seem to show anything significant.

“We will drop the shuttle for Zhu Hope as soon as we have reached the outer edge of Theseus and then go into stealth and fly alongside until we get to Feros,” Shepard continued. “Joker will drop Major Alenko off at one of the landing bays and then wait there for him, hopefully without any incidents.”

Kaidan glanced over at the pilot. He was hoping ‘in and out in not time’ would apply to his part of the mission, too, but the smirk on Joker’s face told him that it probably didn’t.

“Major Alenko…”

Kaidan looked up when Shepard addressed him directly.

“… Lieutenant Williams will come with you in the shuttle. If Voltrus sniffs us out, we’ll get you out in a heartbeat, and Joker and Ashley are the best for that job, if it came to it.”

And there went his wishful thinking. Not even Shepard seemed to be convinced they’d get away with this.

“Aye, sir,” Kaidan said and met Ashley’s eyes, mentally preparing himself for a tricky ride. The gunnery chief still didn’t look like she was about to share any of her thoughts with him, but she held his gaze for a moment and then nodded, and Kaidan understood that she would try to get him out, no matter what, because it was what her commander had asked her to.

***

Kaidan had boarded the Kodiak with Ashley and Joker half an hour later, and he had sent a message to Voltrus as soon as the shuttle had left the Normandy. It had taken them another four hours before they were finally approaching Feros, and he had spent the time next to Joker in the cockpit, sharing career notes and trying to figure out what acquaintances they both had in common. He liked the pilot, and Joker had quite a few anecdotes to tell, which provided a welcome distraction from his own wandering thoughts. Ashley hadn’t joined in, but had kept within earshot in the back of the shuttle, and Kaidan had caught her smile a couple of times when she thought he wasn’t watching.  

He had only put some under-armor under his Alliance BDUs, even if he’d preferred to have armored up properly like the rest of the crew, but too much would make Voltrus suspicious. He even left his gun behind, a knife in one of his pockets and his biotics the only weapons to take on shore with him.

Next to him Williams checked the release on her own gun and then pressed herself against the wall to the side of the shuttle door so she wouldn’t be seen once the ramp opened.

“Thirty seconds.” Joker’s voice came from the cockpit. “You ready, Alenko?”

“Ready as I can be,” Kaidan replied and then glanced at Ashley, who again only nodded at him the way she had in the war room hours earlier. He inclined his head in return, having accepted that it would probably take longer than this mission alone for her to start talking to him, and he was fine with that. This at least seemed like progress.

“Ten seconds,” Joker called.

Kaidan braced himself on the door as Joker maneuvered the shuttle into the landing bay, and then the ramp opened onto a gangway. He touched his hand to the tiny earpiece in his ear. “Leaving the shuttle.”

“Good.” Shepard’s voice came through the comm link. “We’re on our way. The Normandy is in position.” And then, after a short break. “Be safe, Alenko.”

Kaidan threw one last glance at Ashley and then stepped onto the ramp.

Not far from the shuttle a bulky security escort was waiting for him, decidedly more armored than Kaidan, and for a moment he regretted his own choice of clothing.  

“Welcome to Feros, Spectre Alenko. It’s an honor to meet you.” The guy saluted him and then offered Kaidan his hand. “Lieutenant James Vega, System Alliance. I’m at your service for today.”

Kaidan raised an eyebrow but took Vega’s hand and shook it. An Alliance officer was the last thing he had expected.

“If you want to follow me.” Vega waved him on. “I’ll take you to Spectre Voltrus’ office.”

Kaidan nodded and followed the young man, but his curiosity was raised. Vega’s name rang a bell, but he just couldn’t for the sake of it remember where he had heard it before.

“Alliance?” he asked as Vega took a left and lead him along a corridor further into the building.

“On temporary leave, sir.” Vega smirked over his shoulder.

And Kaidan remembered why he thought the name was familiar. James Vega was one of the most promising young Alliance prospects, and his name had come up several times for the ICT program, with the suggestion he could be an N7 candidate. Anderson had mentioned him, or rather had vented his frustration only last week, as Vega had been disciplined for something. Anderson had had to suspend him temporarily because whatever Vega had done had upset some of the Alliance bigwigs. Not that that had ever bothered Anderson before, but although he wasn’t allowed to reveal any details, he kept saying that in this situation it was, unfortunately, different.

“And you’re spending it out here?” Kaidan chose to not go down the straight route, not knowing what exactly the lieutenant had been disciplined for.

Vega’s grin almost filled the whole of his face when he looked over at him. “I might have been suspended for not following all the rules correctly,” he explained, and Kaidan raised another eyebrow at that. “But I’m guessing you’re not exactly following the rules here either, since that was Commander Shepard’s pilot who just dropped you off over there.” He nodded his head back towards the landing bay.

Kaidan stopped in his tracks. Shit. This wasn’t a good start. “You know Joker?” he asked, relieved that he managed to keep his voice level.

Vega came to a halt and turned back towards him, and the grin on his face grew even bigger. “Yeah, met him and the commander a few weeks ago on Omega. Commander Shepard is a legend in my view.”

For a moment Kaidan thought Vega sounded more like a groupie than an admiring Alliance officer. And maybe if the lieutenant was such a fan of Shepard he would keep the information of who Kaidan had just flown in with to himself, too. A thought popped into his head.

“What were you doing on Omega?” he asked and gestured for Vega to lead the way again.

“We received intel that the commander might be heading for Omega, and the Alliance sent us out there to see if we could bring him in,” Vega said. “Turned out he was. And then he slipped through our fingers and disappeared again. But looks like you found him.”

“Yeah.” Kaidan huffed a laugh. “Rather unintentionally, though, I can assure you. And I wasn’t planning on bringing him in.”

“Neither was I.” James grinned next to him and Kaidan stopped again.

“Is that why they suspended you?” He frowned at Vega. “You _let_ him get away?”

“Not exactly.” Vega laughed. “ _I_ actually managed to get him to play a round of poker with us. I might have played Cerberus out of a few thousand credits, and Shepard out of a few clothes.”

At that Kaidan laughed. “They suspended you because you played poker with Commander Shepard?”

“Nah.” Vega grinned again. “They suspended me because Shepard will still walk out of a bar even if he’s only wearing briefs, while my superior officer definitely won’t.”

Kaidan choked at that, spluttering and coughing for a moment until Vega gave him an almost painful pat on the back. He would never get that image of Shepard walking half-naked through Omega out of his head.

“Oh yeah, that was some sight.” Vega chuckled and then took one of his guns from his back and checked the magazine. He did the same on his pistol, and when he pushed it back into its holster he gave Kaidan a silent nod, before continuing towards a door at the end of the corridor, and Kaidan had the sudden feeling that he had just found an ally.

“This is the main tower, we need to go up for Voltrus’ office,” Vega said, wise enough not to continue the conversation as the doors to the tower opened. Kaidan followed him into some kind of lobby. Vega cracked his neck in each direction and then waved at Kaidan to following him as he set off towards a wall of elevators. Trying to be as inconspicuous as possible Kaidan scanned the room for exits and cover as he followed him. Even with Vega on his side, he still might have to get out of this place in a hurry.

The elevator ride was quick and short, and when it stopped Vega led them straight into a large room walled with terminals and monitors, a few humans occupying the seats in front of them. Now he understood what Lemaire had meant. Every one of the monitors seemed to show a different site of Feros.

A formation of desks stood in the middle of the room, and Voltrus rose from his chair behind one of them when he saw Kaidan and Vega exit the elevator. Two heavily armed salarians, presumably his bodyguards, stood at either end of his desk.

“Spectre Alenko. I see Mister Vega was successful in your retrieval,” the Salarian greeted him, his words flowing quickly without any hint of melody. “He’s kind of new around here. Tends to get lost on occasion.”

Kaidan threw a glance over his shoulder at Vega, who had stopped next to the elevator, smiling back at him as if he hadn’t heard Voltrus. When he turned back to Voltrus, the Salarian gestured towards a chair opposite his desk. “Please. Sit.”

“Thank you for seeing me on such short notice, Spectre,” Kaidan said and lowered himself into the chair. He tried to keep his face as neutral as possible when he regarded the two bodyguards. “You seem to have a lot of security around here, are you expecting trouble?”

“After the events on Omega I have taken the opportunity to review my safety setup,” Voltrus said and tapped his finger on the datapad in front of him a couple of times before pushing it to one side. “I’ve never experienced any issues with my present human co-workers, though.” He pointed at the men and women watching the monitors. “We should be quite safe, nothing to worry about in here, Spectre Alenko.”

Kaidan stole another brief glance at the monitors, before quickly turning his attention back to Voltrus.

“What brings you to Feros?” Voltrus asked. “You’re visit comes earlier than expected. Not unwelcome, of course.”

“I know, and my apologies for making you wait in the first instance,” Kaidan said. He didn’t like to lie to the Salarian, so he decided to stick to the truth as close as he possibly could. “My good friend Doctor T’Soni asked me to accompany her on one of her research trips to Sharing, and I thought I would take the opportunity to see you sooner rather than later, after what happened on Omega.”

“Yes, yes.” Voltrus scratched his chin. “What a terrible tragedy. Not an isolated incident, I believe.”

“I’m afraid not,” Kaidan said, glad to be actually talking about something that wasn’t a lie or half-truth. “Although I am not sure I got to the bottom of this particular case yet, I was hoping you might be able to help in that respect. Am I right in thinking that the doctor was a good friend of yours?”

“Yes, yes.” Voltrus shifted in his seat and wrung his hands, and Kaidan could see in his eyes that he was truly troubled by his friend’s death. “He was an old friend, we grew up together. I don’t believe he was the actual target, though.”

Kaidan frowned. “You don’t?”

“No, not him. He wasn’t important enough, he was only an assistant doctor,” Voltrus continued. “He was working for Doctor Mordin. I believe Mordin was the target, but Cerberus missed. Tragically, for my friend.”

“Why would Cerberus want to kill this Doctor Mordin?”

“My friend informed me once, informally, that Doctor Mordin thought that a cure of Krogan genophage might be possible,” Voltrus said and Kaidan’s eyebrows shot up. Like the lock on a vault it suddenly all clicked into place. He had found nothing on the Salarian doctor that would’ve made it worthwhile for the Cerberus scientist to target him, because it hadn’t actually been him they were after. And a possible cure for the genophage? He wasn’t surprised he hadn’t found anything on that either, if he had any intel on something like that he would make damn sure as well it wouldn’t get into the wrong hands, be that the Salarians’ or Cerberus’.

“Alenko, we’ve been made!” Kaidan’s heart jumped hard against the back of his throat when Shepard’s voice rang in his ear, and he just about managed not to flinch. “Get your ass out of there!”

A moment later one of the monitors to his left started beeping. Voltrus only turned his head, but didn’t seemed too concerned, and Kaidan forced himself to remain calm.

“Issues?” Voltrus asked.

“The Geth have picked up some unusual movements on the old Asari research site, sir,” the woman in front of the monitor said. “We’re trying to get a visual.”

“You still have Geth on Feros?” Kaidan asked, trying to sound as casual as possible while Voltrus stood from his chair and walked over to the beeping monitor. He still didn’t look alarmed, so Kaidan remained where he was and just watched the Salarian.

“Yes, yes,” Voltrus said without looking at him. “Incidentally they have proven themselves as excellent guards, given the correct incentive. Very cost effective.”

Then the Salarian just stood and studied the monitor in silence for a few moments. He tapped it to enlarge the image, and Kaidan could feel his heartbeat in his ears. There was nothing he could do for Shepard and the others, but maybe he still had a chance to get out of here without–

“Did you say you were accompanying Doctor T’Soni, Spectre?” Voltrus turned, his eyes narrowed at him. “What a coincidence. The Asari sighted with Commander Shepard at the old research site looks just like her.”

Within a second the two Salarian bodyguards were towering over him, their guns pointed at his head, and Kaidan was about to summon his biotics when Voltrus spoke again, quickly.

“Don’t shoot,” he said and hurried back towards him. “I will not have a dead Spectre in my office, especially not Spectre Alenko.”

“Sir, let me–“ Kaidan lifted his hands, still hoping he could talk himself out of it, but was interrupted when he saw one of the bodyguards’ fingers twitch against the trigger of his gun. His barrier flared up just in time to reflect the shot, and the bullet sank into Voltrus’ arm instead. He heard Voltrus yelp as he jumped up before the other Spectre shouted “don’t shoot!” again. Another shot rang through the room just as Kaidan kicked the bodyguard’s feet from underneath him. He managed to relieve his attacker of his gun when beside him the second bodyguard hit the ground with a loud thud.

A second later Kaidan stood in front of Voltrus, pointing the gun at him, while Voltrus just stared back at him, clutching his arm. One of the bodyguards lay dead on the floor, and Kaidan realized that Vega must have shot him, while the other bodyguard was still flat on his back, staring at Kaidan pointing his gun at the Spectre. Only then did he notice the gun Voltrus had pointed back at him with his injured arm, the barrel pressing against his waist.

“I’m disappointed,” Voltrus said and Kaidan felt a wave of shame wash over him. “Still, I’m intrigued. What has Doctor T’Soni found at the old research site?”

“I cannot tell you that, Spectre, I am sorry,” Kaidan said. He didn’t want to shoot Voltrus, but he knew he might have to.

“You will not shoot me, Spectre,” Voltrus said, as if he had read Kaidan’s mind. “And I will not shoot you. I’m disappointed to discover this connection with Commander Shepard, but I have no knowledge of any previous connection between the commander and yourself, Spectre. Therefore, I assume this is only a recent development and possibly not a consensual one. I respect you, Spectre Alenko, always have, and will not shoot you.”

“And I will not shoot you,” Kaidan said and lowered his gun as he took a step back. Voltrus narrowed his eyes again and lowered his own gun. The bodyguard next to him was scrambling to his feet while the workers in front of the monitors seemed to have frozen into their chairs, wide eyes glued to the two Spectres in the middle of the room.

“But I cannot guarantee that my security will not shoot you,” Voltrus continued. “I sincerely hope this liaison with Commander Shepard is only temporary.” With that he handed his gun to the bodyguard next to him, and a second later Kaidan brought up his shield just as the bodyguard aimed at him again and fired.

He knew when he had been given a free pass, and he wouldn’t have to be told twice. More shots echoed through the room, and when he glanced over his shoulder again he found Vega firing at the bodyguard, having taken cover in one of the elevators, shooting through the open door, shouting his name, shouting to get his ass in gear, and Kaidan doubled his shield and made a run for it, still holding on to the Salarian’s gun as bullets whizzed through the air around him. As soon as Kaidan stepped onto the elevator the doors closed and they shot downwards.

“Alenko, I’m getting out of here.” Joker’s voice came through the comm link. “They’re trying to lock us down. Get yourself outside, we’ll come and get you.”

Kaidan quickly tapped his ear. “Roger that, I’m on my way,” he panted and then turned to Vega. “You might have just shot yourself out of the Alliance.”

“As long as I end up on the right side I’m good with that.” James just grinned at him.

Kaidan huffed. What was it with these guys out here? In front of them the doors opened, and they managed to run through the lobby they had come through earlier without getting shot at.

“What’s the quickest way out of here?” Kaidan shouted at Vega.

The lieutenant just waved at him and took a right turn through a set of nondescript doors, and a moment later they ran out onto an empty road, except for a string of Mako type vehicles parked alongside it. He didn’t have time to orientate himself when a grenade blew up the vehicle closest to them. Kaidan’s biotics flared up in an instance as he flung himself at Vega and rolled them both into cover behind the low wall of a viaduct that ran parallel to the road. Another shot rang through the air, and Vega had taken out another Salarian bodyguard who had followed them through the doors.

“Joker!” Kaidan tapped his ear again and shouted. “Where are you?”

“To your left, Major.” Joker’s voice was clear and loud. “We have visual.”

Kaidan turned his head and then immediately raised his gun and shot at the Geth running towards them from the same direction he could now see the shuttle approaching from. Next to him Vega snatched the pin of a grenade and threw it back towards the doors before pushing Kaidan to the ground as the shockwave from the explosion washed over them. When Kaidan looked back at the shuttle the Geth was still running towards them.

“Fuck,” he hissed and brought his biotics back up around them. “Come on, we need to move.” He pulled Vega up and across the basin of the viaduct and heard him firing at something behind them as he aimed his own gun at the Geth again while making sure his barrier held up around them. He could see the ramp coming down as the shuttle got closer, and then Ashley appeared, shouldering a missile launcher.

She aimed at the Geth, and a second later the missile hit it and blew it into thousand pieces. The blast made Kaidan veer sideways for a few steps. He could hear Vega’s feet hitting the ground behind him, then another shot and then they were at the hovering shuttle. Kaidan grabbed the young soldier by his arm and jumped onto the ramp, dragging Vega inside with him. As soon as they reached the cabin Joker pulled the shuttle to the left and up into the air. Just as the ramp slammed shut behind them something hit them and Kaidan ungracefully crashed into the shuttle wall.

“Oh, you bastards, stop denting my shuttle,” Joker shouted from the cockpit. “Idiots.” And then he threw a glance at his cargo. “Shepard, we’re on our way… err… and Alenko brought that crazy kid from Omega.”

“It’s nice to see you too, Joker.” James grinned and slumped onto one of the seats in the back, trying to catch his breath. He didn’t seem fazed at all.

Kaidan dropped onto the floor next to the shuttle door, his own heavy breathing burning down his throat, his head hurting from using his biotics. On the other side of the door Ashley was mirroring him, glaring at James.

“Get yourselves back here, we’ll meet you half way.” Shepard’s voice rang from the speakers, and Kaidan guessed they were back on the Normandy. “Voltrus won’t let us get away that easily.”

Kaidan closed his eyes and tried to regulate his breathing. He unceremoniously dropped the Salarian’s gun to the floor. The rusty air from outside had invaded the shuttle’s cabin while Joker had piloted it with the ramp down, and now felt dirty and dry against his teeth as he ran his tongue over his lip where it had split open next to the old scar.

“EDI, open up!” His breathing still hadn’t calmed down when he heard Joker call from the cockpit, and he tilted his head to look at the pilot. “Coming in.” A few moments later the shuttle stuttered as Joker sat it down inside the Normandy’s shuttle bay.

“Here, have this,” Ashley said next him, and for the first time there was no heat in her words. When he turned his head towards her, she held out a bottle of water towards him.  

“Thanks,” he wheezed, but managed a smile when he took it. At least they got out.

***

Ashley was the first to step off the shuttle and when she brushed past Shepard without a word he guessed she was still pissed because he had chosen her as the one to sit in the shuttle and wait. But then he spotted the empty missile launcher she was carrying, and he didn’t feel so bad after all. At least she had gotten in on some of the action. Behind her the sturdy figure of Lieutenant Vega followed, and Shepard chuckled at the mischievous smirk on the young man’s face as he turned towards him.

“Commander.” Vega saluted, bearing his teeth like an excited teenager.

“Lieutenant Vega.” Shepard grinned back at him. He liked the guy, even though he would probably stay away from any poker table when Vega was around. “I didn’t expect to see you again so soon. It’s good to see you, although I hope I can keep my clothes this time.”

“Good to see you, too, Commander.” Vega offered him his hand and Shepard took it. “And sorry for crashing your party here.”

“Don’t be, we’re happy to have you on board.” He dismissed Vega’s concern, and his eyes fell onto Kaidan who was slowly walking down the ramp of the shuttle. He felt a splinter of guilt digging into his own confidence when he spotted the blood on Kaidan’s lip, and watched with concern when Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck and dug his fingers into the muscle under his skull.

He knew they were in trouble the minute the Geth had descended on his own team at the research site. He was used to his crew being knocked around on the battlefield with him, used to sharing the bruises with them. But the feeling that invaded his heart when he saw the blood on Kaidan’s face was new, and he didn’t quite know what to do with it.   

“You okay, Kaidan?” He only realized he had used his first name after it was too late.

But Kaidan only looked at him with a tired smile, rubbing his hands over his face, careful not to disturb his burst lip any more. “I’m good, Commander. Starving.”

Shepard laughed, and their conversation about Kaidan’s biotics from the previous night snuck itself back into his memory, whipping away any thoughts of concern. Alenko was a soldier like the rest of them, he was certainly capable of dealing with a bit of battle bruising.

“Did you find the keystone?” Kaidan asked as he loosened the collar on his shirt, rolling his shoulders and popping a joint in his back.

“We did.” Shepard nodded and then steadied himself as he could feel the ship gaining speed as EDI put her into FTL. “Thanks for your help, I know this wasn’t easy. And I’m glad we’ve got you back in one piece.”

Kaidan chuckled and then patted Vega on the back as he made his way past the lieutenant towards the doors. “All thanks to this guy. I will put in a word for you if the Alliance will ever forgive us for this.”

“Thanks, man,” Vega called after him and then Kaidan was gone.

Vega turned back towards him. “Commander Shepard and Spectre Alenko on the same ship? Never thought I’d see that happening.”

“Yeah, me neither,” Shepard said. “Admiral Lemaire’s doing, not sure I can take any credit for that one.”

“Hell of a soldier,” Vega said and stared after Kaidan. “I’d try to keep him if I were you. I don’t know what your plan was, but he was good in there. And a fighter like that, with his biotics, he’s wasted playing with the politicians.”

Shepard raised an eyebrow, somehow surprised at the high praise for Kaidan, even though he hadn’t expected anything less.

“You know the major?” Shepard asked.

“Nope, first time I’ve met him.” Vega grinned.

Shepard laughed and then waved at Vega to follow him. “I’m not sure Major Alenko agrees with how I conduct my business, Lieutenant. And I can’t really blame him.”

Together they left the shuttle bay while behind them Joker was limping off the shuttle ramp, leaning on his crutches. “Come on, I’ll show you where you can bunk for now. Your next stop is Sakura, I’m afraid.”

“Hah! I always wanted to go there.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might need a new head after this one...
> 
> Oh, and said head realised that I had spelt Rahna's name wrong in all the previous chapters, so I just fixed that. :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When things go from bad to worse...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another long chapter, but I just couldn't bring myself to split this one...

The persistent throbbing at the back of his head and the jitter in his knees was what made Kaidan head straight for the medical bay. His thoughts were getting sluggish, and he sensed the white shadows pressing against the corners of his vision, taking over from the rush of emotions that came with shooting yourself out of a hazardous situation. And while he was both curious and dreading to know what Voltrus was going to do next, he also knew that if he didn’t get control of his head pretty promptly, the migraine would do it for him. The last thing he needed right now was being out cold for a day or two.

Doctor Chakwas took one look at him and quickly rose from her chair. He hadn’t realized how rusty he was with his biotics, not that his speed or precision seemed to have suffered, but his stamina certainly had.

“Major, are you all right?” The doctor hurried over to him and for a moment Kaidan thought she would reach for his elbow to steady him, but then she hesitated, as if she wasn’t sure he would appreciate her help.

He managed a smile and rubbed his hands over his face, wincing when he accidentally caught his lip with his thumb. “I’m good, but I haven’t used my biotics in the field for quite some time, and I think the implant has taken offence. You think you could give me something for my migraine?”

Chakwas’ expression softened and her shoulders relaxed. “Of course, Major.” She patted the top of the medical bed beside her.

“Please, call me Kaidan,” he said and heaved himself onto the edge of the bed. He had seen his fair share of doctors in his lifetime to know he was more comfortable with them if they knew his first name. It was almost like forcing them to use it so they wouldn’t address him with his rank all the time. And if Doctor Chakwas had seen all the shit that came with his medical history, which he guessed she had, she would know that he was just as messed up as the rest of them, Spectre or not.

“I will need your arm, Kaidan.” She smiled and lightly tapped the back of her hand against his arm and then pointed at his lip. “I’ll have a look at that as well.”

While Chakwas walked over to one of the cabinets, Kaidan pushed up the sleeve of his shirt, wrinkling his nose at the faint smell of eezo that still clung to his skin. The doctor returned carrying a small container with a collection of vials, which she carefully placed on the bed next to him just as EDI’s voice came through the intercom.

“Major, you are required in the war room for the debrief.”

Kaidan couldn’t hold back a groan. He had hoped Shepard would let him catch his breath for a least a minute before dragging him back in to report, but no such luck, apparently. He was about to push himself off the bed again when Chakwas put a hand onto his shoulder to stop him. She spoke before he had a chance to protest.

“EDI, could you excuse Major Alenko on my behalf? I would like to give him a once over before I give him the all clear.”

He grew tense and frowned questioningly at Chakwas, but the doctor only gave him a reassuring smile in return as they waited for EDI’s reply.

“The commander asks if Major Alenko is injured?” EDI’s voice returned.

Next to him the doctor let out a sigh of relief and then grinned and winked at him. “No, EDI, he’s fine, but his biotics might have been a bit out of practice. I just want to make sure he hasn’t overdone it.”

“Granted,” was all EDI said in reply, and Kaidan’s shoulders sagged forward as the tension eased out of his body again.

“Thanks, Doctor.” He could tell he must have looked tired by the way Chakwas touched the back of her hand to his forehead as she smiled at him.

“Do you suffer from migraines a lot?” she asked.

“Not lately.” Kaidan stretched his neck to one side, then the other, light pops accompanying the movement. “Not if I can catch them early.”

Chakwas chuckled and then reached up and carefully brushed the hair at the base of his skull aside to expose his amp port. “Any issues with that?”

He tilted his head to let her get a good look at it. “Not usually, no.” He didn’t manage more than a mumble and could hear the slur in his words, numb pain pressing against his temples when she touched the port. He was used to having it checked during his annual physical exam, but that was usually not straight after having had to use his biotics. He hadn’t felt this sore for a long time.

“Sorry,” she said, lightly prodding the skin around the port, careful not to touch it again while she checked for any damages.

“Only a bit sore,” he said and was glad that his voice was back to normal.

“I could give you some standard migraine medication,” she said. She dropped her hands and stepped in front of him to inspect his lip. “I’m not sure that will be strong enough, though. Anything else would have to be intravenous.”

“That’s okay.” He smiled at her. “Nothing I haven’t had to endure before.”

“Good.” She nudged his arm. “I promise not to bruise you.”

He laughed and ran his hand over the back of his neck. “Thanks, although I think that might be the smallest bruise I’ll have from this trip.”

Chakwas chuckled. Kaidan watched in silence as she went to set up the infusion. His head was still swimming, the thought that he had deliberately deceived another Council Spectre leaning all too heavy against the walls of his mind. He still hadn’t seen the keystone, or the beacon Liara had discovered, but he could understand why it was so important to her. She had told him about the first beacon they had found on Eden Prime a few years ago, and the Prothean visions it had left Shepard with after he had accidentally gotten too close to it.

He had also seen footage of the Reaper attack on the Citadel two years ago, and even though the Council kept brushing it off as a one-off freak occurrence, Kaidan wasn’t so sure anymore. Liara believed there was more to it, that the attack on Horizon was the work of another Reaper who had indoctrinated the Collector General and taken over control of all Collectors in preparation for a war. And if all this was true, and if repairing that beacon could give them a chance of gathering more information on the Reapers and how they could be defeated, then he was more than willing to help Liara, and Shepard.

But he was still an Alliance officer, and he also understood that what happened on Feros today would carry consequences. What surprised him was how calmly he was accepting that, how excited he had felt out there when he had made a run for it with Vega, and the feeling of comforting satisfaction that really shouldn’t be there. For Christ’s sake, he had just pointed a gun at Voltrus.

He really needed to speak to Anderson once he was back on his feet. He needed to talk to someone who would screw his head back on the right way up before Shepard and Lemaire were rubbing off on him too much.

***

As soon as they had finished the debrief Liara excused herself and left the war room in a hurry. Chakwas’ request had surprised Shepard, but since the doctor wouldn’t normally ask for any of her patients to be excused unless she thought it was necessary, he didn’t press for any more information once she had ensured him it was nothing too serious. But Shepard knew Liara was concerned about Kaidan, even though she had been trying not to show it.

He had asked Vega to join them instead, and the lieutenant was more than happy to step in. Kaidan had clearly left an impression on Vega, and when the young soldier gave them a somewhat colorful rundown of the events in Voltrus’ office, and the subsequent escape from it, Shepard felt a pang of regret that he hadn’t seen the major in action. Going by the smirk on Joker’s face it must have been quite a sight.

The lines on Liara’s forehead had briefly disappeared when she had shown them the keystone. The dark stone was no bigger than his own hand and looked more like a large pebble someone had collected from the shallow bed of a lake rather than a rock found at a dig site on Feros. But then Liara had twisted it in her hands, and her eyes had brightened with excitement when the stone had easily split into two halves with a quiet hiss, revealing a network of glowing squares, lines, and connection ends not too different from a hard drive of a terminal.

He had felt the weight falling off his shoulders, relieved that they had at least found what they had come for. But then he had remembered Voltrus and what this meant for Kaidan, and a different kind of weight had settle over him. After that he couldn’t blame Liara for rushing out the door as soon as he had dismissed them.

He waited until everybody had left the room before he stepped out himself and made his way down to the medical bay. He stopped in the shadows of the corridor when he heard Liara’s voice filter through the open door and inched forward until he could see through the window. He swallowed when he saw Kaidan and felt something pulling tight around his stomach.

Kaidan was lying on one of the beds, one leg propped up, a drip attached to one of his arms while he covered his eyes with the other. To Shepard’s surprise Liara’s concern seem to have evaporated, as she sat on the edge of the next bed down from Kaidan, watching him with a gentle smile on her face.

“So,” she began, and Shepard knew from the undertone in her voice that she was going to tease Kaidan about something. It piqued his curiosity and he retreated back into the shadows so he wouldn’t be spotted while he was eavesdropping. “When was the last time you fought properly, _Major_?”

“Tuesday night, Tuchanka L10,” Kaidan said from underneath his arm, and Shepard muffled a chuckle while Liara’s laugh echoed across the room. Shepard could see Chakwas sitting at her desk with her back turned, shaking her head.

“Liar.” Liara was still laughing. “And battlefield simulations, really? No wonder you rattled your brain.”

Kaidan chuckled. He lifted his arm and turned his head to look at Liara. “It’s just a bump, _Doctor T’Soni_ , I’ll be as good as new after this.” He pointed at the clear plastic bag hanging from the stand next to the bed. “But thanks for caring, _Mother_.”

Liara laughed again and then grew quiet and held Kaidan’s gaze for a moment. “Did you have fun out there?” she asked, her voice suddenly much more gentle, much less teasing.

Kaidan turned his head away and covered his eyes again, and Shepard strained his ears. He wanted to hear this.

“Yeah,” Kaidan said into the silence of the room, and Shepard grinned. “But if you ever mention that to anyone outside this room I will sell your little Citadel secret to the highest bidder.”

“My lips are sealed.” Liara chuckled.

“So, you found the stone?” Kaidan asked, and Shepard took that as his cue to reveal himself. He drew back his shoulders and briskly walked into the medical bay to give the impression that he had come directly from the elevator, in hope they wouldn’t suspect that he’d been lurking outside for the last five minutes.  

“Major,” he said, and Kaidan lifted his arm in surprise and then shifted in a labored effort to sit up, and Shepard could see the strain the sudden movement left on Kaidan’s face. “Are you all right?”

Kaidan was trying hard not to make eye contact, absentmindedly touching the needle where Chakwas had attached the drip to the inside of his elbow, clearly uncomfortable with Shepard seeing him in this state. “I’m good, Commander,” he said. “Only a headache, nothing I haven’t dealt with before.”

Shepard stopped next to Liara and regarded him for a moment, squinting. He wanted Kaidan to tell him about Voltrus, to hear his version and how he felt about it. He wanted to know how bad the pain was, if it was bearable and if there was anything he could do to help, but both Liara and Chakwas were in the room, and he didn’t think Kaidan would appreciated his concern.

“Don’t sit up on my account then, Major,” he said instead. “I’d rather see you get the rest you need.”

Kaidan simply smile a tired smile at him and slightly awkwardly lay back down. He propped up his leg and lifted his arm again, but this time only to run his hand over his forehead and into his hair, and for a second Shepard couldn’t look away from the pale fingers interlaced into the black hair. He realized too late that Kaidan was looking back at him, stiffly shifting his weight when he met Kaidan’s eyes, trying to ignore the way his heartbeat had sped up.

“Heard from Lemaire?” Kaidan asked, but held his gaze.

Shepard leaned against the bed next to Liara and folded his arms in front of him, hoping that acting casual would distract from the heat that had crept onto his face. “Only a brief inquiry, he only wanted to know if we had the keystone and that everyone got out. We also have a tail. I received a message from Voltrus just as you guys got back, ranting and raving, threatening to blow me up so I’d be dead for good this time.”

“Charming,” came from Chakwas' corner behind them.

Shepard turned and smiled at her. “Don’t worry, Doc, we’re out of shooting range, and his ship is fast, but not as fast as we are. And if he chooses to follow us all the way back to Sakura we can push the Admiral’s ass in front of the line. Only fair, since we’ve already put our asses on the line for him.”

Kaidan huffed, but Shepard couldn’t tell if he sounded sarcastic or amused. When he turned back to look at him, Kaidan was covering his eyes with his arm again.

“I hope this is all worth it.” Kaidan’s voice was quiet and sobering.

Shepard felt rather than heard Liara sigh next to him, and when he looked at her, she was staring at her hands clasped in her lap.

“It will be, Kaidan, I promise,” she said, a sad smile on her face, and Shepard wondered how well the two knew each other, and then _how_ they knew each other. When he caught Kaidan looking back at the Asari affectionately from underneath his arm he thought of old lovers, and something inside him stirred. He quickly stood, not sure he wanted to be confronted with the feeling that had just hit him.

“Get some rest, Major,” he said and almost tapped his hand on the bottom of Kaidan’s bed, remembering just in time that the sound and vibration might do more harm than good to Kaidan’s head. “We’ve got some time before we reach the relay again, you think you’ll be good to go by then?”

“Aye, sir.” Kaidan lifted his head slightly and saluted him.

“Good. I want both of you on the Command Deck when we get through it. Lemaire is expecting us on the other side.” With that he turned and high tailed it out the medical bay.

***

“Joker, how far out are we?” Shepard called towards the cockpit.

“About thirty minutes until we’re out of the dark shit,” Joker called back. “ETA for Orya is in two hours and twenty-five minutes.”

“Has Voltrus cleared the relay yet?” Lemaire’s voice came through the call connection.

“Not yet,” Shepard said, his eyes glued to the hologram of the relay on the map in front of him.

“Make a landing before he does,” Lemaire said, static crackling through the connection. Shepard frowned as the hologram briefly flickered off, before appearing again in bright orange. Something was interfering with the signals.

“No time for that,” Joker shouted from the cockpit. “Voltrus has just appeared.”

And there it was, the green dot indicating another spaceship that had just entered the Kepler Verge, right next to the relay. The small shape was flashing and moving.

“What do you want us to do?” Garrus asked next to Shepard, mandibles raised, and Shepard knew the Turian was feeling the same unease as he did.

“Admiral?” Shepard asked. They could stop and engage in a fight with Voltrus’ ship, or continue their approach to Sakura, letting the Spectre follow them.

“I can see it!” Lemaire snapped and then there was silence.

Shepard looked up in surprise. That wasn’t exactly an answer he had expected. On the other side of the hologram Liara stepped forward and raised a questioning eyebrow at him.

“Lemaire?” It was Kaidan who asked the question, irritation vibrating in his voice, and Shepard turned his head to look at him. Kaidan was in the cockpit with Joker and EDI, braced against one of the small side windows, his eyes fixed on the glowing surface of Sakura while they were still floating in the dark space around it. Something was wrong.

There was another stretch of silence. Then Kaidan’s eyes suddenly went wide in horror just as Lemaire’s voice came back through the call connection. “Hold on tight, Normandy.”

Time disappeared.

Through the small strip of the cockpit’s windows Shepard could see the sky outside turn blue, then white. Kaidan’s knuckles turned white as he gripped the edge of the console in front of him, and more out of instinct than conscious decision Shepard did the same and braced himself for the impact he somehow knew was coming.

“Liara!” Kaidan’s voice bore panic, and a split second later Liara had steadied herself against the control island and Shepard could feel every hair on his arms stand up when her biotic barrier passed through him, through the room, and then through the whole ship. Shepard thought he heard her scream Kaidan’s name, but then the shockwave hit and drowned out everything else.

He lost his grip. The impact was so hard it hurled him against the chair of the console behind him, blunt metal painfully breaking his fall just as Garrus crashed into the terminal next to him. On the other side of the room Vega doubled over into the control island stomach first, leaving him winded. And in the cockpit Kaidan was burning blue, then white, too bright to even look at. He might have been screaming, but there was no sound, only the deafening pressure of the wave, and in the far back of his mind Shepard recognized a familiar sensation.

A dull brush of air flickered over his skin, and as fast as the wave had hit them it had passed. The Normandy shuddered, almost stumbled as if it had only realized a second too late that the resistance was gone, and just about managed to keep itself upright. Inside the cockpit Kaidan’s biotics dissipated, and his legs gave way underneath him, his body hitting the ground with a painful thump.

“Kaidan!” Liara scrambled to her feet. She dropped her barrier and staggered into the cockpit. At the front of the ship Joker had managed to stay in his seat and was frantically tapping at the display in front of him while the remains of Kaidan’s biotics bounced around the room, slow to fizzle out.

There was another blue flash and the air crackled around him. Liara was thrown back and only saved by Vega, who managed to grab her by her arm before she could hit the control island. On the floor of the cockpit Kaidan’s body twisted unnaturally, fighting an invisible opponent, biotics flaring up around him like a cut off power cable pulsing through the air.

“What the fuck?” Shepard pushed himself to his feet, but Garrus closed a strong hand around his arm and stopped him from going any further.

“Oh Goddess.” Liara’s voice was merely a whisper, and James quickly wrapped an arm around her shoulders to hold her back.

“Don’t.” Garrus voice carried a warning that Shepard’s mind struggled to understand, but when he tried to move towards Kaidan he felt three fingers firmly digging into his arm.

Shepard stared at the twitching body in front of them. A moment later Kaidan lurched to the side, his back arching off the floor in a painful spasm. Shepard’s stomach dropped when he saw Kaidan’s face. He tried to pull himself free, but Garrus only jerked him back and growled at him. “I said ‘ _don’t’_ , Shepard! He will snap your neck faster than you can think _shit_.”

Kaidan’s eyes were wild and not his own, his pupils blown, his irises glowing bright blue, unseeing. His skin almost looked translucent, pulled tight over his face and his arms, veins and blood vessels pressing red and dark against it, threatening to burst any second. His lip had split again, and there was a smear of blood on the floor panels where he must have hit the back of his head.

Another blue ripple travelled over his body towards his head, and then the charge died away as he grew taut, every muscle straining close to the point of snapping. His fingers curled into claws, raking the air as though they were digging through mud. His mouth fell open in a soundless gasp as his head tipped back, shoulders arching off the floor again. Another pulse ripped through him, twisting his body, and his head crashed back onto the floor hard enough to make Vega wince on the other side of the room.

With one sharp move Shepard freed himself from Garrus and was on Kaidan before he even realized what he was doing. He grabbed his head and held it still, using his own body to push Kaidan against the floor. Kaidan bucked underneath him, and a sharp pain made Shepard gasp when an elbow connected hard with his ribs. A moment later Garrus and James were at his side, and even though the biotics seemed to have run out, it took all three of them to keep Kaidan pinned to the floor.

“What’s happening to him?” Shepard was panting under the strain as he tried to look over his shoulder at Liara.

She just stared at them wide eyed, her hands on her head.

“Liara!” Shepard snapped as Kaidan struggled underneath them.

She suddenly came out of her daze and started to search the cabinets around the CIC. Next to Shepard Vega groaned when Kaidan kicked him hard.

“He’s overcharged,” Liara said but didn’t stop opening and closing cabinet door after cabinet door. “EDI, where is the nearest emergency kit located?”

“Under the console behind you, underneath the utilities panel,” EDI called from the cockpit.  “Commander, we have lost all power blocks and are running on emergency power.”

Shepard barely registered the information. Between his hands Kaidan’s head jolted and he tightened his grip and leaned forward, pushing himself into Kaidan’s field of vision, willing him to focus. But Kaidan still wasn’t seeing anything, his eyes rolling in violent panic.

“Hey,” Shepard said softly and turned Kaidan’s head towards him. Liara appeared next to him with a sedation capsule just as Kaidan’s whole body convulsed again, leaving two men and a Turian panting and readjusting their holds with all their strength.

“Hey, hey,” Shepard said again, and this time, more by chance than anything else, Kaidan’s eyes met his and stopped, a distant glint of recognition flickering across his face. Shepard felt fingernails scraping over his shoulder as Kaidan fisted the fabric of his uniform, holding onto to it as if it was the only thing he knew how to do.

Kaidan stilled, and Liara quickly punched the injection into his arm. A moment later his eyes glazed over and fluttered shut, and his body went limp, the hand at Shepard’s back loosening its grip and falling away. Shepard gently lowered Kaidan’s head to the floor, absentmindedly running his thumb over Kaidan’s cheekbone. Kaidan’s skin felt scorching hot to his touch, and he could see dark shadows forming around his eyes, along his jaw, and down his neck.

Shepard looked up at Liara, who was back to holding her hands to her head, staring down at Kaidan. Next to him Garrus got back to his feet, but James stayed crouched down beside him, his hand still resting on Kaidan’s shin, as if he was afraid that letting go meant leaving Kaidan to die. And that was all it took to bring Shepard back into the present.

Time started moving again.

“Joker, what’s our status?” Shepard turned towards his pilot, but didn’t get up.

“We’re in one piece, but not undamaged,” Joker replied while his hands kept working the screen in front of him. “We’re unable to navigate and running on back-up power, like EDI said, but not sure how long we can keep it up.”

“EDI?” Shepard turned towards the AI.

“We have seventy-two minutes left before the emergency power runs out, Commander,” EDI replied.

“Is anybody else injured?”

“Nothing serious, apart from Major Alenko,” EDI said. “Lieutenant Williams is angry and on her way to the Command Deck, estimated arrival in–”

The sound of stomping footsteps interrupted her as Ashley stormed into the CIC. “Fuck, Shepard, what just happened!” When she saw Kaidan on the floor she froze.

Shepard stood and turned towards Joker.

“What about Voltrus?” he asked.

Joker stopped tapping his display and turned his chair towards him. He shook his head. “No way of knowing right now, I can’t even get a visual of our own fucking tail. But his ship is only a glorified shuttle and I don’t think he had any biotic superpowers on board. What the fuck, Shepard?”

“I have run some calculations,” EDI said next to Joker. “Taking the velocity and force of the wave that hit us, calculating its possible reach, and applying it to the distance between Voltrus’ ship and our location I suggest there is not much left of his ship. I think the term might be pul–”

“EDI!” Shepard stopped her. He kneeled next to Kaidan’s body again and gently cupped his face with one hand, but swallowed hard when Kaidan’s skin felt worryingly cool against his fingers.

“He… he’s turning cold,” he said, his voice braking with a flash of panic.

Within an instant Liara’s hand was on Kaidan’s forehead, and then she suddenly moved very quickly, checking his vitals and trying to open his eyes.

“He’s going into shock,” she said with an urgency that did nothing to calm his emotions. “We need to get him to the medical bay.”

Shepard shifted his weight for better balance and slid an arm underneath Kaidan’s shoulders, but Liara stopped him. “Not you, Shepard, you’re needed here.”

He met her eyes, silently pleading with her. A sad smile hushed over her face, but she shook her head and spoke quietly so only Shepard would hear her. “Your crew needs you here. And you better find out what is going on with Lemaire and that beacon. By your Gods, Shepard, we could’ve been blown to pieces together with Voltrus’ ship.”

She turned towards James, and Shepard reluctantly stood and moved aside so that the other man could do what he had wanted to do himself. Vega slid one arm underneath Kaidan’s shoulders and the other under his legs and carefully lifted him up. Shepard had to swallow again at the sight of Kaidan’s head lolling back without any strength, his arms hanging lifelessly off his body as James carried him towards the elevator, closely followed by Liara.

It took an effort to turn away and towards the cockpit, to stop himself from going after them. He caught Joker staring out the window towards Sakura, and could feel Ashley trying to stare holes into the back of his head.

“EDI?”

“Yes, Commander.”

“Are Donnelly or Daniels injured?”

“No, Commander, both are physically unharmed.”

“Send them down into the engine room, we need to get the power back up before the emergency generators runs out.” He turned towards Garrus. “Garrus, take Ashley and check on everyone else, and get whoever needs medical attention to see the doctor. Joker, do we have any communication?”

“Nothing is getting through,” Joker said. He turned away from the window and looked at Shepard. “The internal stuff is still working, but anything that requires an outside signal seems to have shorted out.”

Shepard frowned and ran his hand through his hair. He stepped into the cockpit and glanced through the window towards Sakura. As if nothing had happened the green and blue planet still hung in front of them, with nothing but clear sky between them. If there had been any vails of clouds wrapped around it, the wave had blown them all into nothingness.

Anger rose inside him when Lemaire’s last words came back to him. He had recognized the essence of the wave, he had experienced that same kind of power once before, on Eden Prime, just before the beacon had exploded and knocked him unconscious. That wave had been generated by the beacon on Sakura, and Lemaire had known it was happening. Shepard could feel the heat in his scars and had to clench his fists and dig his nails into his palms. He wanted to punch something, preferably Lemaire, right now. That bastard had a lot to answer for.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, so this was one of my favourite chapters to write and I'm only a little bit excited about posting it... Sorry for all the angsty bits, I hope the outcome of the chapter makes up for all of them. :)

They were drifting. They were somewhere on the border of space, suspended in the darkness yet so close to the light, Sakura’s half-lit shape filling the sky every time Shepard glanced out the window. And still they couldn’t reach it, floating aimlessly like a sailing ship at sea waiting for a breeze. It had been hours, and they still hadn’t managed to establish any connection to Orya, or to anywhere else for that matter.

Starboard Observation was dark and quiet. Shepard sat on one of the couches, resting his arms on his knees, and stared out through the wall of windows at the world below him. Kaidan was a tidy person. What little he had brought on board with him was neatly stowed away somewhere out of sight, a personal datapad and his omni-tool the only evidence that he had been in this room at all. Shepard had found them strewn across the floor, dislodged by the wave from wherever Kaidan had left them. They now lay on the cushion next to him, momentarily as unimportant to Kaidan’s life as Shepard felt right now.

At least the engineers had managed to get the power back up. And Doctor Chakwas had only suffered a small bump to her head when the wave had thrown her and her chair across the room, while the rest of the medical bay had gotten away with only minimal damages, mainly thanks to Cerberus’ excessive investment. But if that meant Kaidan could now be taken care off, Shepard had to be grateful. The last thing they had told him was that Chakwas and Liara had successfully stabilized him, but that he was still unconscious.

“I don’t get Lemaire,” Joker had said earlier in the cockpit. “He sends us on this goose chase and then tries to turn us into stardust when we get him what he wants. It doesn’t make sense.”

Shepard sighed, viciously scraping his fingernails over his scalp a few times, trying to keep the image of Kaidan’s twisting body from invading his memory again. It didn’t work. He had managed to calm down enough to form coherent thoughts again, to admit that even though Lemaire could be reckless at times, he was not one to kill people, usually quite the opposite. _He_ was the one that had pulled Shepard through after Akuze had almost killed him, he wouldn’t have put in all that effort to shoot him out of the sky now. Something else must have happened. But still Shepard couldn’t get the images of Kaidan’s agonizing struggle out of his head.

He had gone down to the engine room first, to check on Donnelly and Daniels, and then made sure every one of his crew members was okay. He hadn’t dared to go near the medical bay, afraid he wouldn’t be able to leave again if Kaidan was in a bad way. Instead he had met up with Garrus and Ashely in the CIC again and run test after test on the Normandy’s defense systems. When Garrus had offered to go down to the shuttle bay and check the shuttles with Joker, Shepard had tried to speak to Ashley. She had point blank refused to talk to him and fled to the crew quarters, and for once he had let her, too tired to argue.

“EDI, Joker, any news?” he asked into the darkness of the room.

“Still not much, boss,” Joker said. “EDI has taken a sample from the atmosphere outside the airlock, that wave left some kind of residue behind, which is probably why we aren’t able to move. We might need Liara’s help with the analysis, but I believe the Doc has ordered her to rest for the night. We got the radar back up, though. Looks like we’re the only ship around for eons.”

Shepard took a deep breath and stood. Good, at least they had eyes again. “Get some rest, Joker,” he said and made his way towards the door. “And I mean in a bunk, Moreau, EDI can look after the ship for a while. It doesn’t look like we’ll be going anywhere any time soon anyway.”

“Aye, sir,” Joker replied, and Shepard was glad he didn’t get any of the usual comeback. He palmed the lock on the door and stepped out into the corridor. The ship seemed deserted, the only lights coming from the mess and the medical bay. The lights inside the bay had been dimmed, which hopefully meant that Kaidan was stable enough to not need constant attention.

He wanted to see him, but the fear of what he might find made him hesitate. He stopped when he heard low voices and found himself in almost the same spot he had stood in a few days ago, when he had listened to Kaidan’s and Liara’s conversation. Only this time the conversation was much quieter, and neither Kaidan nor Liara was doing the talking. He took another step and spied through the window. He recognized Vega’s bulky form sitting on the bed where Liara had sat earlier, and his eyes went wide when he realized that the person next to him was Ashley. But then he saw Kaidan, and his heart almost stopped.

He was lying on the same bed again, but this time there were more than just one tube attached to him and a breathing mask strapped over his nose and mouth, his skin pale and bruised. He had been stripped and covered with a medical blanket, his clothes lying in a heap next to his boots at the bottom of the bed. There were wires attached to his head and his chest, and Shepard could hear the constant beeping of the heart monitor as well as the rhythmical sound of the ventilator.

“You don’t like the major very much, do you?” he heard Vega say. The lieutenant sat with his elbows on his knees, his eyes fixed on Kaidan in front of him.

Ashley sat next to him, her hands folded in her lap.

“I don’t know, really.” She huffed and Shepard strained his ears to try and catch what she was saying. “I don’t really know him, but I’m not really good with new ones either, especially when they are high horses like him that get dumped on us without much of an explanation.”

“That’s harsh.” James turned to look at her, the hint of a smile on his face, and Shepard could tell Ashley briefly met Vega’s eyes before staring at Kaidan again. “He’s a good guy, you know.”

“How do you know that? You’ve barely spent more than a day with him.” She climbed off the bed, trying to do so quietly, and then stepped closer to Kaidan. Her hand touched something at the side of the bed, and with a flash of horror Shepard realized that they had shackled Kaidan to the bed, restraining bandages wrapped around his wrists and ankles.

“You saw him fight,” Vega said. “And he only took one look at me and decided I was worth taking along. He didn’t have to do that.”

“You helped him out just as much.” Ashley smiled at Vega.

“From what I gather, he didn’t have to do any of this,” James continued. “He’s here because he wanted to help.”

Ashley didn’t reply for a moment, absentmindedly playing with the leather strings of the restraining bandage at the side of the bed. When she continued her voice was so faint Shepard almost didn’t hear her.

“I know,” she said and then gently touched Kaidan’s hand that lay ashen and purple on top of the blanket. “But what for? Look at him now. He didn’t deserve this.”

Shepard swallowed hard and quickly retreated. Ashley was right, Kaidan didn’t deserve this. He jumped when he felt a firm hand on his shoulder and spun around to find Doctor Chakwas glaring at him in the dark, just as her hand slid down his arm and dug into it, pulling him back along the corridor and into the mess.

She was angry. He had never seen her angry, never heard her raise her voice or make a snarky comment. But going by the strength with which her fingers were digging into his upper arm, she was furious, and he would later put it down to that unexpected behavior that he didn’t resist being pulled into the mess and shoved down onto one of the chairs at the table like a little kid that was about to get a scolding. She threw a small black object onto the table and he automatically slapped his hand over it before it could skid over of the edge.

Chakwas didn’t sit down. She only crossed her arms in front of her and nodded at his hand. He lifted it up and looked at the small square, uncomprehending. It looked like a melted microchip, not quite square anymore, and there was something metal in its middle, scorched and burned plastic on the outside.

“What is this?”

“His amp port!”

The bile taste hit the back of his throat so fast he almost gagged, and he leaned away from the little object, trying desperately to swallow. It hurt when he finally did. He didn’t dare to touch the fried amp port, unable to imagine that this thing could have been attached to Kaidan’s head. He shifting in his seat, a little further away from the table. If mental distance didn’t work, maybe physical would.

Next to him Chakwas relaxed, and when he looked up, her expression had turned softer, almost sympathetic. She sighed and slid onto the chair opposite him before carefully picking up the disformed square and holding it up between them.

“You better give that admiral a piece of your mind when we get back, otherwise I will.” Her voice was low and sharp.

Shepard still couldn’t take his eyes off the port when the doctor put it back down onto the table. He had heard what she had said, but his brain wasn’t able to form any reply, having been hijacked by visions of Kaidan’s bruised body with all the tubes and wires and the breathing mask.

“Why is he on oxygen, doctor?”

Chakwas folded her hands under the table. “He’s in a coma.”

Shepard’s head snapped up. He opened his mouth to speak but his voice failed him.

“It’s okay, we put him there,” Chakwas explained. “We’re just helping him breathe. It’ll give his brain a rest overnight. We’ll bring him back around in the morning.”

“And you had to tie him to the bed for that?” It came out harsher than intended.

“For his own protection.” Chakwas gave him a comforting smile. “And ours. He gave Vega a broken rib.”

Shepard lifted an eyebrow and just stared at her.

“He’ll be fine,” she said after a short pause. “He’s strong, he’s already on the way out again. And Vega will live, too.”

Shepard huffed and folded his hands at the edge of the table, still not wanting to get too close to the melted amp port, but at the same time itching to take it and to hold on to it.

“Can I keep it?” he asked and looked up to meet her eyes.

Chakwas reached across and gave his hands a gently squeeze. “Yes, of course. It has no use to Kaidan in this state anyway.”

He let out a bitter chuckle, and she smiled at him and then pushed herself up from her chair.

“You should get some rest as well,” she said. “You look tired.” And then she reached across again and touched her hand to his cheek, and for a moment Shepard gave in to the gesture of being looked out for, rather than being the one always looking out for others. His eyes closed and he leaned into the touch and wondered if this was what mothers were supposed to do, if they were around. The hand disappeared, and Shepard opened his eyes again.

“Goodnight, Shepard,” Chakwas said softly, and then she turned and quietly made her way back towards the medical bay. Shepard just sat and glared at the small square in front of him until he couldn’t remember anything.

He must have fallen asleep. He woke with a start at the sound of footsteps and sat up, trying to get his bearings. He was still sitting at the table where Chakwas had left him earlier, the unregular corners of Kaidan’s amp port cutting into his palm where he must have clenched his fist around it.

“Commander.” Vega looked as tired as he felt, and Shepard wondered if James had actually left Kaidan’s side at all during the night. “He’s awake.”

A sigh escaped him, and he huffed at his own relief, leaning heavy against the back of the chair. “Good.” He chuckled and shook his head. He never thought he would feel so happy about someone waking up again. “Good. How is he?”

“Hungry as fuck, apparently.” Vega laughed and walked over to the fridge with a big grin on his face.

When Shepard’s own laugh came out slightly hysterical, he took another deep breath and squeezed the amp port in his hand again. Kaidan was awake. And he wanted food. That could only be a good sign, right?

***

Doctor Chakwas kept him in for two days. Kaidan didn’t remember much of the first day other than Liara trying to spoon feed him with what might have been mashed potatoes, and Vega saying he was impressed with his swearing. He didn’t remember swearing. He remembered the skull-thumping headache, though. And Shepard stopping by once, maybe twice.

His mind became clearer towards the end of that day, and the first meaningful conversation he remembered was Liara telling him that they were still stuck in space, and that the wave had left something behind that had clogged up the thrusters and fusion torches and was only dissolving slowly. She also told him he had burned white when the wave had hit them, but he didn’t remember that either. James brought him dinner, and this time it definitely was mashed potatoes, and Shepard stopped by again.

When he woke the next morning he finally felt like a human being again, so much so that he questioned what Liara and Chakwas had mixed into his food the night before. He cautiously asked for bacon for breakfast. They let him get up and walk around the medical bay for a few minutes every hour. Shepard stopped by again and told him they still weren’t moving, and no, they still weren’t able to communicate with anybody. He felt a spark of anger when Shepard mentioned Lemaire, but he shoved it aside quickly. Now was not the time. His head still hurt but at least he didn’t feel like he’d been run over by a Mako anymore. By the afternoon, he had managed to talk Chakwas into letting him have a shower.

He remembered very clearly saying “Fuck you, Vega” and laughing, when Vega called him a lightweight after his hand had slipped on the steamed-up shower wall. He didn’t mention that Vega had jumped like a concerned mother on the other side of the washroom where he had been leaning against the wall. “Show some respect, Lieutenant, people tell me I saved everyone’s ass not so long ago.” Vega laughed, and discretely only steadied him by holding on to his arm when Kaidan slowly dressed himself again. When he looked at the mirror he was glad to see that the bruises were already starting to turn from purple to yellowish green, thanks to the wonders of medi-gel.

He passed on the mash potatoes for dinner, but another infusion administered by Chakwas and he was asleep again before he knew what was happening. He woke to the news that the atmosphere outside was apparently improving. When he heard that James and engineer Daniels were going to cook for the whole crew, he told Liara he would not have another meal with her ‘dodgy’ side dishes in the medical bay. She just laughed and agreed to take him to the mess for lunch.

A few hours later he was sitting next to her at the table in the mess, soldiering on through the steak and vegetables Vega had placed in front of him. He knew there were eyes on him while he was making every effort not to simply wolf down the food on his plate. He still felt weak on his legs, Liara had grabbed his arm and steadied him twice on their way from the medical bay to the mess. But every bite he took made the dizziness ease off a bit more, and he didn’t want to let the food go to waste just because he couldn’t hold his appetite at bay.

“How long can this take?” Ashley sighed with frustration, and Kaidan looked over to where she was sitting a few seats away from him. She didn’t look happy. While a large part of the crew had gathered in the mess, Shepard and Garrus were still in the CIC trying to get a communication feed down to Sakura after EDI had informed them that she had received some static signal when she had tried the call connections earlier.

“You look like shit, Major,” Donnelly said. He was sitting opposite Kaidan, watching him with a smile on his face. “But I, for one, am glad you blued us through that wave.”

Kaidan frowned at him, slightly baffled by Donnelly’s choice of words, but then nodded his appreciation at the engineer. He swallowed the last piece of his steak and then pushed the plate away, gingerly leaning back against the back of his chair, not convinced his stomach would agree with all the food it had just been fed.

Just then the elevator doors opened and Shepard and Garrus joined them. They looked tired, or at least the commander did, Kaidan didn’t feel he knew the Turian well enough to make out his facial expressions. Shepard’s eyes met his own and Kaidan was sure the commander’s steps slowed for a moment.

“Major,” Shepard said, relief swinging in his voice. “It’s good to see you back on your feet again.”

“Thanks, Commander,” Kaidan said and then lowered his gaze to the empty plate in front of him, suddenly very aware of the tight skin around his eyes, of how green and purple his face must still look. He didn’t know why he suddenly cared.

“You want some more, Major?” James stood from his seat at the other end of the table and came over to grab Kaidan’s plate, while Shepard sat down on the chair Vega had vacated.

“No, thank you, Lieutenant.” Kaidan shook his head. He could feel Shepard’s eyes on him and lifted his head, and for a moment their eyes locked, making him shiver. He quickly turned away and pushed himself up from his chair. He felt like he needed a drink.

“Oh, for God’s sake.” Ashley’s voice cut through the room. “Just stop all that ‘Major’, ‘Commander’ and ‘Lieutenant’ crap! I don’t think anybody on this ship needs to worry about their rank right now, we just lured a Spectre back to Sakura and then let Lemaire blow him up. Very classy, even for renegades.”

“Ash!” Shepard warned, but Ashley’s words had stirred something inside Kaidan, and the spark of anger and guilt he had felt the day before returned to his chest like a wildfire. He quickly pushed the button on the coffee machine and threw a glance over his shoulder at the commander. Shepard looked worn as he accepted the plate with food Vega was handing him.

 “What?” Ashley snapped back at Shepard. She had gotten up from her seat opposite Shepard and placed both of her hands on the table, leaning towards him, challenging him. Shepard held her stare for a moment as he calmly forked some food into his mouth. Then he looked down and pushed his vegetables from one side of the plate to the other.

“We don’t know what happened,” he said calmly. “And until we speak to Lemaire, I’m not going to guess or assume anything.” 

Kaidan knew he was right, but that didn’t quench the feeling of betrayal he felt twisting around his heart, and he was almost disappointed that Shepard didn’t seem to feel the same way. He turned and leaned back against the counter and caught the concerned look on Liara’s face as she turned on her chair to check on him. He quickly averted his eyes, feeling embarrassed, but, again, no quite sure why.

“So we’re still cut off?” Ashley continued. “Oh, that’s just brilliant, so considerate of the admiral after all the running around we have done for him. He played us, Shepard, he damn well played us!”

“Ash, calm down,” Shepard said, frustration threading through his voice. “I don’t think whatever caused that wave was planned to happen.”

“I’m not going to calm down,” Ashley hissed and held her ground, staring at Shepard, but Kaidan heard the small crack in her voice. “We almost got fried, Shepard, and if it wasn’t for Alenko we’d all be charcoal right now. Damn it, and going by the state he’s in, he didn’t even know what hit him.”

Kaidan grew tense and looked down at himself, his arms holding him up where he was leaning against the counter, but only just. He knew some of the crew were watching him, but couldn’t make himself look up, more uncomfortable than ever that he was being made part of the argument. He quickly turned and took the cup of coffee from the coffee machine and tipped it straight into the sink and down the drain. He didn’t think he could stomach it. When he leaned back against the counter again Shepard’s eyes were on him, and Kaidan thought they looked pained.

“What do you want me to do?” Shepard asked when he turned back towards Ashley.

“I don’t know.” Ashley’s voice stumbled, and Kaidan raised an eyebrow. This suddenly sounded much more personal. “Damn, they’ve been looking at that beacon for years, Shepard, Isla doesn’t talk about anything else anymore. She practically lives for that thing, she must have known what it can do. And then Lemaire makes sure that we have two biotics on board, and he makes us all go out the night before we leave as if it’s the Last Supper, and I’m angry as hell, and why aren’t you?”

And suddenly Kaidan understood Ashley, understood that she wasn’t just angry but hurting. He remembered the night before they left Sakura, the way she had been dancing with Isla, the way Isla had been dancing, not caring about who was watching, as if it was the last time they’d ever dance together. Ashley thought Isla had known. This wasn’t about coming close to dying or having been played, this was about _who_ had played them. And Kaidan understood because, deep down, he felt exactly the same.

“Because I don’t know what happened,” Shepard said through his teeth. “And until we find out I will not make any judgement. I’ve known the admiral for a long time, Ashley, and he has helped me out a great deal before, so until I’m proven otherwise, I will not believe that he’s selling us out. And until then I am also still your commander, so cut the crap, right now, Lieutenant Williams.”

Kaidan swallowed and lowered his eyes to his feet. Looking at the commander, and listening to what he had said, he realized that Shepard was hurting just as much. But he was also still the commander to this crew, and he couldn’t lose his composure just because someone he thought he trusted had put them into a tight spot.

“You cold piece of shit,” Ashley hissed. The whole room went quiet, and Kaidan was shocked to see tears in Ashley’s eyes. “Cerberus really _did_ stitch you up, they must’ve forgotten to reconnect the part that knows how to feel.”

“Ash! That’s enough!”

“You don’t care, do you?” she spat at him.

“You know that’s not true.” Shepard’s voice was only a low growl, but full of warning.

“Lemaire almost killed us and you don’t fucking care! About me, about Alenko, about any of us,” Ashley shouted at him, waving her arm at the people sitting around them, tears running down her face.

Shepard froze. His eyes hardened and his hands tightened around his fork and knife, an angry muscle twitching in his jaw. Around them the room lay in deafening silence, even the fridge had stopped humming.

Shepard and Ashley just stared at each other. Then Shepard suddenly moved, harshly. His fists crashed onto the table, and the fork and knife clattered to the floor. He held Ashley’s stare as he kicked back his chair and then stormed around the table towards…

Kaidan’s breath hitched, and he stiffened when Shepard’s eyes locked on his, hands balled into fists, then unclenching, and then he was crowding into Kaidan’s space, raising his hands. His lips parted. Hot palms reached for Kaidan’s face.

And then Shepard kissed him.

And Kaidan kissed back.

His own lips parted, his tongue met Shepard’s, and a jolt ran down his spine, spreading into every last corner of his body. Kaidan felt his fingernails scraping through soft material at Shepard’s hips where he had grabbed Shepard’s shirt, desperately holding on so he wouldn’t fall. His grip tightened as he felt Shepard pull away, only for his lips to press against Kaidan’s again, tongue sliding against tongue, gentler this time, hot air brushing his cheek as Shepard’s shuddering breath hushed over it. Then there was one more push, one more touch of tongues, and then Shepard pulled back, and Kaidan couldn’t stop himself chasing after those lips that had just taken him apart.

And then Shepard’s lips were gone, and a desperate breath left Kaidan as he still held onto Shepard’s shirt, staring at those incredibly blue eyes.

Shepard was breathing heavily through his nose, eyes flickering back and forth between Kaidan’s. He was still holding on to Kaidan’s face, his jaw tight, twitching again. And then everything was gone, and Shepard had turned and was storming off.

“EDI, elevator,” Kaidan heard him shout, but he was still staring at the empty space in front of him. He heard the soft swishing noise as the elevator doors slide open, then again as they shut, and when he finally turned and looked up, Shepard was gone.

“Huh.” He heard Donnelly huff from where he was still sitting at the table. “Did that just happen?”

Kaidan’s lips prickled, and his knees felt as if they were about to buckle while his mind was still full of Shepard’s touch, his scent, and his eyes. When he turned towards the rest of the crew they all looked stunned. Liara had turned on her seat again and was just staring at him.

The spell broke when Garrus huffed and slumped onto the chair Shepard had sat on earlier, noisily pushing Shepard’s abandoned plate to the side and dropping his own in its place, cursing under his breath. Ashley stared at him for a moment, red eyed, before she turned and hurried towards the crew quarters.

Kaidan hadn’t realized Liara had moved until she stood next to him, and he flinched when he felt her hand at his elbow. At the table, James was picking up two bottles of water and Shepard’s plate, before walking over towards them. Kaidan felt dazed, but he still noticed the smirk on the lieutenant’s face.  

“I’d skip the coffee, lover boy.” Vega kept his voice down. “Here, have this.” He pushed the two bottles against Kaidan’s chest, and Kaidan reached up and grabbed one of them, still staring at Vega, not quite following what the other man was saying.

“I need to sit down,” was all he could come up with in return.

Vega laughed and nudged the bottle he was holding against the one in Kaidan’s hands. Without another word, he turned and walked towards the elevator, still carrying Shepard’s plate.

_This fabulous_ [artwork](https://shotce.tumblr.com/post/161165174612/all-righty-third-times-a-charm-lets-see-if) _is by the amazing_ [FallingOverSideways](http://archiveofourown.org/users/FallingOverSideways) _/_ [Shotce on tumblr](https://shotce.tumblr.com/) _._


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When they finally return...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the slightly longer stint between updates, I took a few days off writing, and when I came back to it, this chapter declared war on me so I murdered it a couple of times before it finally cooperated, kind of. But we should be back to more regular updates after this one. 
> 
> And thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this and left kudos or comments so far, I'm still so happy someone actually likes the silliness my mind comes up with. Love you all.

When Kaidan felt the faint vibration under his feet and the hardly noticeable shift that followed, he looked up at Liara and their eyes met. They were sitting on the couch on the Observation Deck while Chakwas was fumbling with his arm to fix another drip to the needle that was still attached to the inside of his elbow. He had refused to go back to the medical bay, there was only so much time he could spend in there while fully conscious and mobile before his sense for privacy would kick in; he had been on display in that glass box for far too long.

“Ah, finally. We’re moving again.” Chakwas seemed to smile and sigh all at once while she adjusted the valve on the tube, snipping her finger against it to encourage the liquid to flow. “You should really lie down, Kaidan.”

“I’m good, Doctor,” Kaidan said. He was sitting on the edge of the couch, staring at Liara, who sat on the corner end facing him. For the second time since Chakwas had pushed the stand with the infusion bag into the room she picked up his hand and placed two fingers on the pulse point at his wrist, and he was sure whatever his heartbeat was telling the doctor was what made her ask him to lie down again. She hadn’t been with them in the mess during lunch, so she couldn’t have known why he was feeling all shaky, and he didn’t think he could find the words to try and tell her.

“I’m good,” he said again, more to convince himself than anyone else, and quickly pushed his hands underneath his legs to stop them from trembling. His stomach churned, and he closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on his breathing. Vega’s cooking had been too good, the last thing he wanted to do was bring it all back up again. Especially because he didn’t think it was the food that was responsible for the turmoil. _Blue eyes_. His own eyes snapped open, and he focused on the scuff marks someone’s boots had left on the floor just below the window.

There was a crackling sound, and then EDI’s voice came through the intercom. “Message from the commander.”

“Everyone, listen up.” Shepard’s voice followed, and what started as goosebumps on Kaidan’s arms turned into a shiver that ran through his whole body. Chakwas was quick to grab one of the blankets she had brought with her and wrap it around his shoulders. Liara shuffled closer and placed a hand on his knee, gently tugging at it so he would look at her while they were listening to Shepard’s message.

“We’re maneuverable again, but still without communication,” Shepard continued. “We’re on our way back to Orya. Hopefully by the time they see us they can see who we are, but be prepared that we might get shot at, just in case Lemaire isn’t around to stop them. Estimated time of arrival is in two hours and fifteen minutes. Everyone to be ready in two hours.”

And then the ship went quiet, and Kaidan was trying to take deep breaths through his nose. Liara held his gaze and reached up to his face, delicate blue fingers prodding the skin along his cheekbones and underneath his eyebrows. He hissed and squeezed his eyes shut again when she hit a particularly tender spot near his temple.

“Are you ready to face the music?”

“That’s a very human expression, T’Soni.” Kaidan tried to smile, but abandoned the attempt quickly when it only added to the pain.

“I guess that’s the price I pay for hanging out with you so much.” Liara smiled almost innocently and pressed a little too hard against his jaw, making him wince.

Kaidan knew she was trying to shift his focus, make him concentrate on something other than what had just happened. But his insides were raging, and his head was spinning, and for a moment he wasn’t sure how to control it all. Or how to get Shepard out of his head.

A hand on the back of his neck and a sharp pain that pierced right through his skull brought a sudden stop to the chaos. His own hand shot up and dug into Liara’s arm to steady himself, and she let go of his face.

“Sorry,” Chakwas said behind him, as she carefully stroked his hair to one side to look at his amp port. Or rather, the space where his amp port should’ve been. She lightly pressed on the edges around it. “How is the pain. Any headaches?”

“’sss ‘kay.” Kaidan’s speech slurred and his vision became blurry. He tried to move his hand and search for the port but his coordination was off, and he only managed to touch the side of his neck. “wher’sss mn amp prtt?”

Chakwas quickly let go of him and swatted away his hand so he wouldn’t touch the sore spot either. His vision cleared, and when he spoke again, the words came out focused and clear.

“What did you do with my amp port?”

“Damaged beyond economical repair, I’m afraid,” Chakwas explained. “I had to dispose of it. We’ll get you a new one as soon as we get to Orya.”

“That’s okay,” Kaidan said. “I have an old spare somewhere.”

“You might want to give it a few days, give it some time to calm down,” Liara said and squeezed his knee again. She smiled at him, and he knew she wasn’t just talking about his amp port.

“I can only second that, Major,” Chakwas said. “Take it steady for a while. There’s a whole bunch of us who are more than willing to face the music with the admiral for you, most of all the commander.”

Kaidan huffed and placed his own hand over Liara’s as Ashley’s words from earlier came back to him. For a moment, he just stared at his friend, and Liara waited patiently for him to get his thoughts in order.

“Ashley and Isla,” he said eventually. “Are they together?”

“No.” Liara shook her head and lowered her eyes while she pulled her hand free of his hold and leaned against the back of the couch. “They’re like us, you and me, only they’ve known each other much longer than we have. I believe they grew up together.”

Kaidan didn’t say anything until Liara lifted her head again and looked at him. She had said it herself, Ashley and Isla were like them, and from the pained look on Liara’s face she knew exactly what he was thinking.

“What happened with that beacon, Liara?” he asked, anger swinging in his voice.

“I don’t know, Kaidan,” Liara said. She looked ashamed. “It’s a big beacon, much bigger than the one we found on Eden Prime. We thought it was either a calibration device, to help with the positioning and mapping of the relay system, or some form of transportation port, similar to the Conduit on Ilos, but without the keystone we couldn’t be certain. We were never able to activate it. I am as surprised as everyone else that it could generate something like that wave, you have to believe me.”

A hand on his shoulder made Kaidan turn his head and look at Chakwas.

“I leave you to it, for now,” the doctor said. “I know you’re rather bored of me poking you with my needles, but once we get to shore I really would like to give you a proper once over at the hospital, ideally before you go and put Lemaire into stasis or something similarly strenuous.”

Kaidan almost laughed. He knew he would be better off following her advice, undermined by the fact that his body was still relying on infusions to keep him dehydrated while he was healing. He nodded at her, which earned him a smile and a “thank you”, before the doctor made her retreat, leaving him alone with Liara and their half-finished conversation.

“There is more,” Liara said as soon as the doors closed behind Chakwas.

Kaidan looked back at her. He didn’t know whether to be surprised or angry, or both.

“I think the keystone we carry might have something to do with the wave, too,” Liara went on. “I don’t know how or when it started, but when I came back to my quarters that night, it was glowing blue and hot to touch. I think it had some kind of reaction to the wave, or maybe even worse, maybe the wave was a reaction to the stone.”

“What do you mean?” Kaidan narrowed his eyes at her. “Are you saying the stone might have caused it?”

“Hypothetically.” Liara didn’t look at him. “But they’re only theories, Kaidan, and I need to get to the lab and run them past Isla before we can determine what is true. I’ve only told Shepard, and now I’ve told you. And Shepard is right, until we speak to Lemaire, we don’t know what happened down there, anything else would only be an aimless assumption.”

Kaidan shook his head and couldn’t hold back a laugh, although he knew himself how bitter it sounded. Liara looked up and cocked her head, glaring at him.

“I know, not funny.” He held up his hand in defense. “But this is all so messed up. This rollercoaster ride, and the thing with Lemaire. I know, he’ll probably have some answers for us, but right now I don’t feel like talking to him at all for about the next two years, to be honest.”

He knew if there was one thing that would get to the admiral it was radio silence, and, after everything that had happened since he had first set foot on Sakura, he was more than willing to give him that treatment for as long as it would take.

“I understand,” Liara said softly and pushed herself up off the couch. “And you don’t have to. As Doctor Chakwas said, there are quite a few others who are more than happy to do the talking on your behalf.” She smiled and patted him lightly on the shoulder. “See if you can get some rest before we land. And let that mind of yours calm down, I know there’s far too much going on behind those eyes. I’ll come and get you when we’re closer to Orya.”

He just looked at her and then nodded, too caught up in his own thoughts to form a reply. Perhaps she was right, maybe he needed a few days, to rest and to sort out his own head. After all, Lemaire hadn’t forced him to go on this trip, he had made that decision all by himself. And they were all still alive, bar Voltrus and his crew, but there was nothing he could do about that now. And in the end, it was also he who had kissed Shepard back.

“You’re right,” he said and sighed. He watched over his shoulder as Liara made her way towards the door. She was half way across the room when she stopped and turned around once more.

“Thank you,” she said quietly.

“For what?” He frowned at her.

“For not being mad at me,” she said, the corners of her mouth inching upwards in a sad smile.

“Oh, I am mad at you.” He huffed. “But, lucky for you, I’m also still incapacitated, and I think all the madness I can cope with is currently occupied with Lemaire.”

She chuckled and regarded him for a moment from where she stood between him and the doors. “Try to rest,” she said. “I’ll come and get you when it’s time.” And with that she turned and left, and for the first time in days, Kaidan was on his own.

***

It required all of Shepard’s self-control, or what little he had left of it, to not storm onto the Command Deck and kick every single console he walked past. He had behaved like the biggest jackass ever, and all because Ashley couldn’t keep her emotions in check. But apparently neither could he. He didn’t know whether he wanted to reprimand or kiss her for it. Hell, he had just kissed Kaidan. He had definitely wanted to do that ever since he had talked to him that night in the club, and after today he wanted to kiss him again. But did he really have to be such an asshole and do it while they had an audience?

His rage must have been written all over his face, as crew members quickly hurried out of his way or ducked their heads with worrying side glances. He could feel the heat in his scars, and it wouldn’t surprise him if his irises had started to glow. To his relief, the bridge was almost empty, and he plunked into the chair closest to the cockpit, knowing people would most likely leave him alone if it looked like he was talking to EDI and Jocker.

“Man, I didn’t think you had it in you.” Joker swiveled his chair around, his grin wide enough to make him look just short of feral.

“Not now,” Shepard growled and buried his face in his hands. He didn’t look up when he heard footsteps approaching, but then the smell of food hit his nose. He lifted his head and was about to shout at the unfortunate offender for carrying food onto the Command Deck when Vega shoved the plate Shepard had left behind less than ten minutes earlier onto the small desk space in front of him.

“Eat up, Loco,” James said. He wasn’t outright grinning like Joker, but he was unmistakably smirking when he placed a bottle of water next to the plate, before turning and leaving again without another word. Behind him Shepard could hear Joker cackle.

“Do you have anything useful to say, Moreau?” Shepard snapped, and the cackle died down but didn’t fade out completely.

“I do.” Joker was still snickering. “I was just about to call you when EDI informed me you were busy canoodling with a certain _Major_ in the mess.”

“Move on, Joker!” Shepard was tempted to throw the knife Vega had delivered with his meal at the pilot.

“Yes, I was just getting to that bit.” When Shepard looked back up, it was obvious that Joker was trying hard to remain serious. “We’ve managed to clean the fusion torches, and were just about to run a test to see if we can move again.”

“Huh?” Shepard snorted, his mind temporarily blindsided by the unexpected change of subject. When his brain finally caught on he actually laughed. He had to admit, Joker’s time was impeccable. Maybe now they could get planetside without anybody getting murdered in their sleep. He shook his head and exhaled sharply, something like hope settling in his chest. He picked up the fork and dug into his food. Fuck his own rules.

“Run the test,” he mumbled past a full mouth. And thank the lord, spirits, gods and goddesses, or whatever people believed in, only a few minutes later the Normandy was gliding through space again. He sent a quick message around the ship and then took his empty plate back down to the kitchen, to find everyone had left by then. The only person he ran into was Chakwas, and he tried to sound as casual as possible when he asked her about Kaidan.

“He has retired to his quarters, Commander, but I’m going to take him to the hospital for another check-up as soon as we land,” Chakwas said, and Shepard guessed that the Chinese whispers about what had happened in the mess hadn’t quite made it all the way to the medical bay yet.

He wasn’t sure if he was relieved or disappointed that he didn’t see Kaidan. And if their communication system hadn’t been down and he could’ve warned Lemaire that they were on approach, he might have gathered up his courage and paid Kaidan a visit. Not to apologies, it was too late for that, but to find out where Kaidan stood, because the guy certainly hadn’t pushed him away. But as it was, that conversation would have to wait. There was a sky to watch, just in case Lemaire decided to throw anything else at them.

Instead he called on Garrus, Ashley and James to put on their light armor and prepare for a landing party, and then asked Liara and Doctor Chakwas to do the same if they wanted to leave the ship early to get Kaidan to the hospital. He ended up back in the cockpit and stood next to EDI’s chair, staring out through the window, Sakura’s mountains and waterways sliding past underneath them, when the outline of Orya slowly came into view.

They were met with a couple of Alliance shuttles a short time later, but no one shot at them. Once the shuttles drew up parallel to the Normandy and Joker had received the signal to follow, Shepard made his way down to the shuttle bay to join the landing party.

“Five minutes to arrival.” Joker’s voice beamed through the bay just as he stepped out of the elevator. Ashley was sitting next to Vega on the bench in front of her locker, already fully armored, her eyes fierce but unfocused while one of her legs was bouncing up and down to a restless rhythm that would drive most people on the ship mad within seconds. It didn’t seem to bother Vega, but then again, nothing seemed to bother him much under any circumstances. When Shepard stepped closer, both soldiers looked up at him. Vega nodded and smiled briefly before concentrating back on the closed ramp of the shuttle bay, while Ashley’s leg stilled for a few seconds, and she held his gaze, an unreadable expression on her face.

Shepard turned away and joined Garrus at the Mako, not wanting to be subject to Ashley’s scrutiny out here in the open. He had noticed Kaidan and Liara when he had walked into the bay, but only dared to look at them now, watching as the Asari was helping Kaidan pull a hoody over his under-armor. Liara met Shepard’s eyes, just like Ashley had, but Kaidan never looked up, and Shepard quickly turned back towards Garrus, sudden embarrassment creeping across his skin. He stepped closer to the Turian and busied himself with checking his gun.

“You planning to shoot someone?” Garrus asked with a smirk and nodded towards the gun when Shepard raised a quizzical eyebrow at him.

“No guarantees from my end.” Ashley snarled behind them.

“Not unless we’re being shot at,” Shepard said without looking at either of them. “You hear me, Lieutenant Williams?”

There was no reply.

“Williams!” Shepard turned and barked at her, but Ashley just stared back at him.

“Yes, sir,” she said through clenched teeth, but visibly tightened the grip around her gun.

“Doesn’t mean we don’t have an ax to grind with someone,” Shepard said to Garrus and the Turian gave him an understanding nod as he took hold of his own gun. Shepard didn’t plan on shooting anyone. But he sure as hell was going to tell the admiral that he didn’t appreciate being fucked around, and he had no problem flexing some armed muscle to bring his point across.

“Two minutes to landing.” Joker’s voice came through the intercom again. “We’re going back into the maintenance bay. Buckle up.”

Behind him Kaidan and Liara steadied themselves against the lockers, and Shepard grabbed the sidebar of the Mako. He swayed as the Normandy docked inside the landing bay, and then Joker was back on the intercom.

“Ramp opening in ten seconds. We have a welcoming committee, Commander.”

Shepard straightened and walked to the front of the bay, waiting for EDI to lower the ramp. Garrus appeared at his side just as harsh light streamed through the opening when the ramp slowly opened.

Shepard shadowed his eyes with one hand against the blinding whiteness of the floodlights while aiming his gun at the unseen with the other. It didn’t take long for his eyes to adjust and the familiar surroundings of the maintenance hangar to take shape again, the roof hatch hissing as it closed above the ship. Ahead of them the gangway was empty except for Lemaire and two soldiers with heavy duty machine guns, flanking the admiral on both sides. Lemaire seemed unarmed as he stood with his hands on his hips and a grim look on his face. Shepard lowered his own gun and strode down the ramp.

“It’s good to see you, Commander,” Lemaire said and stepped towards him. “I’m glad to see you’re unharmed.”

“No thanks to you, Admiral,” Shepard said, and his voice must have been venom as a second later there was a rustle in the air and both soldiers were pointing their guns at him. Next to him Garrus appeared, aiming his gun at one of the soldiers in return.

“Lower your weapons,” Lemaire shouted at his men, waving at them with one hand. “This is not how we welcome soldiers to Sakura.”

Shepard threw a reassuring look at Garrus and reached out to push the Turian’s gun down before turning back towards the ship to glare at Ashley. Sure enough, his gunnery chief had ventured half way down the ramp, aiming her weapon towards the admiral’s head. She ignored Shepard for a few moments but eventually lowered her gun as well.

“You want to tells us what’s going on?” Shepard turned and pinned Lemaire with a stare.

“There was an accident.” Lemaire’s voice sounded as certain and authoritarian as usual as it echoed across the vast space of the hanger without any hint of remorse. “There was a malfunction with the beacon–”

Something behind Shepard had caught his attention, and Shepard turned to find Kaidan slowly walking down the ramp, a gun loosely in one hand, his duffle bag in the other, while he kept his eyes focused on where he was putting his feet. Liara and Doctor Chakwas didn’t physically support him, but were following him close enough to be able to reach out if they had to.

When Shepard looked back at Lemaire, the admiral looked genuinely shocked. For the first time since Shepard had known him, Lemaire seemed to be lost for words as all he managed was a broken rasp of Kaidan’s name.

Kaidan didn’t looked up until he had cleared the ramp. Once he had reached the gangway, he stopped and turned to look at the admiral. Lemaire tried to reach out and move towards him, but Shepard stopped him, yanking him back to the sound of guns going up around them again. Shepard ignored it. The fact that Lemaire seemed so ignorant to any danger he might have imposed on Shepard and his crew but then unraveled when he saw Kaidan was hurt made his blood boil. Who the fuck did he think he was?

“Uh-uh.” Shepard dug his fingers into the admiral’s arm, but Lemaire’s eyes remained fixed on Kaidan.

“What… what happened?” Lemaire stammered.

“That fucking wave is what happened,” Shepard hissed next to his ear. “And thank fuck Alenko happened to us, Lemaire, because otherwise we would’ve probably returned to Sakura with the rain of the next storm.”

Lemaire audibly gasped at that but still didn’t take his eyes off Kaidan.

Kaidan just stood there between Liara and the Doc, holding himself up like a true soldier. Liara was watching him closely, and Shepard half expected Kaidan’s legs to give way under him any second. But Kaidan held his ground and held Lemaire’s gaze, silent and emotionless. When he finally spoke, his voice was flat and cold.

“I have nothing to say to you, Admiral.”

Lemaire tensed under Shepard’s grip, and when Shepard looked back at Kaidan, the other man met his eyes and inclined his head just enough for Shepard to understand the unspoken thank you. And that small exchange was all it took for some of the anger to ebb away, and Shepard could feel a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. He gestured at Garrus and Ashley to lower their weapons again, but didn’t let go of Lemaire’s arm until Liara, Chakwas and Kaidan had disappeared through the heavy doors at the end of the gangway.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Isla makes a confession... and Lemaire doesn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few more plotty moments in this chapter, but still a few angry people as well... hmm, maybe I need to send them off to shoot at something.

“What did you drug me with this time?” Kaidan asked, but Liara just chuckled as she unpacked the hot food she had brought him for breakfast. He had slept solidly for twelve hours and only woken up after Liara had been knocking on the front door hard and long enough for the young soldier from the neighboring cabin to offer to kick it in for her.

“I brought food, you should be thankful,” she said. Kaidan rolled his eyes but climbed onto one of the stools at the kitchen island while she emptied the content of the containers onto a plate and pushed it towards him. “You needed it.”

He huffed and took the fork and knife she offered him, but stared at the plate suspiciously.

“Eat it, Kaidan,” she ordered softly. “You know I only poison you when I really need to. And technically it wasn’t me, it was that last infusion Chakwas gave you.”

“As if that makes it any better,” Kaidan grumbled, but then mouthed a quiet ‘Thanks’ and started to eat. He did feel better after last night, and when he looked down at his arms, all that was left of the bruising was a yellowish shimmer under his skin, the pain no more than a numb soreness, making him forget sometimes what he looked like.

“You’re welcome.” Liara smiled affectionately and picked up the old coffee mill he had considered borrowing when he had first stayed at the cabin, curiously inspecting it from every angle. “So, this is the item you wanted to steal? Hardly looks worth getting into trouble for.”

“I was going to return it,” Kaidan murmured, distracted by the fresh breeze and the quiet street noise filtering through the open window from outside while the morning sun painted warm shapes all over the kitchen. His thoughts kept wandering and took him back to the Normandy and the last coffee he hadn’t drunk because he had poured it straight into the sink.

Liara was watching him over the top of the old mill. “What happened between you and Shepard, Kaidan?”

He didn’t look at her, all too aware how the air around him suddenly seemed to be heating up together with his cheeks.  

“You like him.”

His eyes snapped up as the weight of her words hit him so unexpectedly he had no chance to scramble for cover, and going by the upturn of her lips, Liara knew she had caught him. He was saved by a loud knock on the front door, the sudden noise making him jump, and he silently cursed Liara for putting him so on edge.

“Are you expecting anyone?” Liara asked as she made her way towards the corridor. Kaidan had no reply, his brain still playing catch-up with what she had said about Shepard. After they had touched down on Sakura the day before, Kaidan had tried very hard not to think about him, while Liara and Doctor Chakwas had dragged him from one hospital room to the next. Chakwas had sent him for an MRI and then fitted him with a new amp port, even though he had tried to refuse. When Lemaire’s name had flashed up on his omni-tool, he had ignored the call until it rang out.

Chakwas had pulled him into another examination room where she had given him another infusion and run some tests on his biotics. When Lemaire had called for a second time, Kaidan had simply powered off his omni-tool, and then Liara had insisted on taking him back to the cabin. He remembered feeling exhausted and dazed, stumbling on the stairs of the veranda. He didn’t remember getting undressed, or climbing under the covers of the bed, but sometime after that, in the haze between being awake and crashing out completely, the memory of Shepard’s lips on his had sneaked up on him again, unexpected, just like Shepard.

“Isla?” The alarm in Liara’s voice brought him out of his thoughts. He slid off his chair and rushed towards the front door but was shocked into a halt as soon as he had turned the corner.

“Christ, Isla! What happened to you?” In front of him Isla stood on his doorstep, wearing only a simple pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt, a nurse by her side, holding her up. Her face was discolored with bruises that looked painfully familiar, while burst blood vessels had turned the white of her eyes red, and when Kaidan saw the purple and black of her arms, he knew instantly that they had shared the same pain; they had burned white together in that wave, one of them down on Sakura and the other one up in space.

“Kaidan.” Isla’s voice was rough, as if she had been screaming for too long. She was clinging to the nurse to hold herself up, clearly much worse off than he had been.

“Come on, let’s get you inside.” Liara quickly stepped forward to help the nurse, and together they led Isla into the kitchen. Kaidan hurried ahead and pulled out a chair from underneath the table so they could lower her onto it. He sat down next to her while Liara went back to the counter to grab Kaidan’s plate and slid it onto the table in front of him, before filling a glass of water for Isla. The nurse only smiled tiredly and sank onto the stool Kaidan had sat on earlier.

“Eat, Kaidan,” Liara ordered but then focused back on Isla. “And you should be in hospital, what are you doing here?”  

“I need to apologize,” Isla said. “God, Kaidan, I am so sorry.”

“What are you apologizing for?” Kaidan asked.

“It’s all my fault.”

Kaidan stared at her, not quite following what she was saying. Pinched lines creased her forehead, and her eyes were wet and red-rimmed. He leaned towards her and carefully covered her hand with his own. “Isla, what are you talking about?”

“The beacon,” she started but had to swallow a couple of times before she was able to continue. “I was working on it, I wanted to have it all ready for the keystone, but then it activated itself, and the data said it was building up all this dark energy, and I could feel it charging up...”

“The beacon must have sensed the proximity of the keystone,” Liara said, and Kaidan remembered their conversation from the Observation Deck. When he looked at his friend, the Asari only nodded at him with a sad smile, and he realized that this wasn’t news to her. She must have gotten an update while he had been asleep.

“I tried to stop it,” Isla continued. “I tried to put a barrier around it, but instead I almost…” She broke off almost choking on her own words, and Kaidan was quick to hold down her hand when he felt her pulling away, willing her to look at him.

“It’s okay.” He tried to reassure her. “We’re still here.”

“The beacon must have acted like an amplifier,” Liara explained softly, but matter-of-factly. “You couldn’t have known that was going to happen, and the researchers who were with you told me you were trapped as soon as your barrier touched it. It’s not your fault, Isla.”

“But I should’ve known,” Isla said, no longer able to hold back her tears. “I know that beacon like the back of my hand, I should’ve known. I’m so sorry, I should’ve stopped this, but instead I let him send you off on that stupid mission and almost got you all killed.”

“But we didn’t get killed,” Kaidan said. “And it wasn’t you who sent us on that mission, it was Lemaire.”

“But I knew there was a risk,” Isla countered. “I should’ve advised him against it. I just never thought it would create something so destructive.”

“And I knew that risk, too, Isla, and I didn’t advise him against it either,” Liara said firmly and pushed herself away from the kitchen island. “We simply couldn’t have known.”

Liara was right, the wave had been an unfortunate accident that neither of them could have foreseen. Only, while everyone else seemed genuinely shocked about it, Kaidan still thought Lemaire hadn’t appeared surprised all that much. Even if Liara and Isla had misjudged the risk, there was something about the admiral’s actions that made Kaidan think that Lemaire hadn’t. He could’ve sent anybody to get that stone, but instead he had sent Commander Shepard and his crew, on one of the most capable starships the galaxy had to offer, to run that little errand for him. And Kaidan was convinced that it hadn’t just been a convenient coincidence for Lemaire either, that he had ended up on that ship as well. Lemaire had been prepared for the worst, even if no one else was.

Isla’s eyes fell away from Liara and to the glass of water in front of her. When she spoke again her voice was merely a whisper. “I almost killed her.”

Kaidan took a deep breath. Behind him Liara leaned back against the island again, folding her arms in front of her while she was looking at Isla sympathetically. They might have all come out alive at the other end, but there were still damages that weren’t physical, damages that no medi-gel or infusion could fix. Kaidan hadn’t seen or heard from any of the other crew members since they had left the Normandy the day before, but there was no chance in hell he would ever forget Ashley’s anger and emotional pain. She had felt betrayed, and Isla clearly felt as if she had betrayed her.

“Have you spoken to her?” Kaidan eventually broke the silence.

Isla looked up at him and shook her head. “I don’t know what to say.”

***

It hadn’t gone unnoticed that the only ship entering Sakura airspace after the wave had been the Normandy, and suddenly staying undercover wasn’t that high up on the priority list anymore. Anyone with eyes in their heads would have seen the spaceship fly in anyway. Shepard strode through the corridors of Orya’s Alliance headquarter, Garrus muttering beside him, while people quickly stepped aside, staring, as _Commander_ Shepard and the furious Turian walked past them.

“What’s with the mood, Garrus?” Shepard said with a sideways glance. Ahead of them a young soldier hurriedly scooted out their way, wide-eyed, as if he wasn’t sure whether to salute or call for backup.

“Sometimes I don’t get you humans,” Garrus hissed. “Amongst Turians, if someone pulled a stunt like Lemaire did, he’d be executed. Or handed over to the higher-ups and then executed.”

“Good job we’re not on Palaven.” Shepard understood Garrus’ anger, but the more he heard about the accident with the beacon the more he believed that Lemaire genuinely hadn’t wanted it to go down the way it did, and deserved at least a chance to explain himself. “And since he _is_ the higher-up on this planet, I don’t think handing him over to the Council or the Alliance would go down very well for us.”

“We could kidnap him and use him as a bargaining tool,” Garrus suggested and Shepard huffed a laugh.

“Bargaining tool?” he asked. “You feeling all right, Vakarian?”

“I’m just trying to come down to your level,” Garrus grunted. “Like I said, I’d rather lynch him.”

“We’d need someone like Alenko in our corner to have any chance of putting a foot onto the Citadel without being taken in ourselves,” Shepard said as they stopped in front of Lemaire’s war room.

“I’d say he looked very much _in_ your corner the other day, certainly from where I was standing,” Garrus replied without missing a beat.

Shepard’s hand hovered over the door’s lock, but then he dropped it again and turned to look at Garrus. Was that what it had looked like? None of the team had mentioned the episode in the kitchen since they had landed, not even a stupid tease. But then again, most of them hadn’t hung around for long after he had granted them some shore leave, and who could’ve blamed them. The last time he had seen Kaidan was when he had left the Normandy with Chakwas and Liara. Since then he hadn’t heard a word.

“I’m not so sure about that,” he eventually said and hit the lock and stepped into the war room.

“You can’t make him stay,” he heard Liara’s voice from somewhere near the windows as he caught the back end of a conversation. At the back of the room, Lemaire straightened up from one of the consoles he was leaning over and turned to look at them.

“Ah, Commander, Lieutenant.” As he waved them in, the expression on his face looked confident, but Shepard wasn’t convinced it really was. Something in Lemaire’s tone told him otherwise.

Liara stood leaning against the window, her arms folded in front of her, and Shepard realized that they had walked right into the middle of an argument. Not a loud one, Liara didn’t do loud, but an argument nonetheless. She just nodded at them, but otherwise made no attempt to cover up her resentment towards whatever Lemaire was debating with her, and Shepard wondered if they had been talking about Kaidan. He was itching to ask, but shoved the notion aside when Lemaire stepped away from the console and beckoned them to come closer.

When Shepard noticed the mangled piece of metal on the floor close to where Liara was standing he instinctively ran his hand over his pocket, pushing the small square he’d been carrying around since Chakwas had given it to him against the fabric until he could feel its edges pressing against his thigh. Even though he had heard Liara’s version of what had happened to Isla and the beacon, seeing the leftovers of the transmitter made his throat go dry.

“What is this?” Garrus asked, eyeing it suspiciously as he walked around it.

“The main transmitter of the beacon,” Liara said from the window, her voice flat, angry even.

“That’s the thing that almost fried us?”

“What’s left of it,” Shepard said, more to himself than to the others. He pushed his hand into his pocket and closed it around the amp port but let go of it again when the doors slid open behind him and Kaidan stepped into the room.

“Kaidan, eh, Major.” Lemaire stumbled over his words, and Kaidan narrowed his eyes at him.

“Admiral,” Kaidan said, and Shepard took some satisfaction from how cold he still sounded, he obviously still hadn’t made up with the admiral.

“So this is…” Kaidan stopped next to Garrus and his eyes met Shepard’s, and for a split-second Shepard forgot where he was, as Kaidan’s eyes flickered back and forth between his own. But then Kaidan cleared his throat and looked away again, and Shepard was left staring at the faint shadows of what was left of the bruising on Kaidan’s face.

“The rest of the beacon is mostly intact.” Lemaire nudged the piece of metal in front of him with his foot. “Now that we have the keystone we should be able to repair it, and with a new transmitter we can hopefully create another wave in a controlled environment–”

“You can’t be serious,” Garrus cut in, and Shepard was glad he was standing between Lemaire and the Turian, especially after Garrus’ earlier rant.

“Imagine how powerful a weapon this could be, Vakarian, if we had the ability to fire a shockwave like that,” Lemaire kept going. “And thanks to the wave hitting you while Kaidan was on board, we also know that there are ways to protect our own ships in the future.”

Shepard’s head spun towards Lemaire, the anger he had successfully bottled up over the last few days rushing to the surface like the swelling lava of a volcano. “Thank God for that,” he spat. “Because that went down so well for him, not to mention Voltrus–”

“Since when do you get so wound up about a mission, this wasn’t the first time you put your crew at risk?” Lemaire growled back at him. “And you’re all still here, aren’t you?”

“I didn’t put them at risk, you did. And unless you know something I don’t, I’d say the only reason we’re still here is pure luck.” Shepard could hear his own voice rising when he pointed at Kaidan. “I didn’t know he could do what he did, did you? Is that why you put him on my ship?”

He immediately regretted his words, but when he looked at Kaidan, the other man was just staring disbelievingly at Lemaire.

“That is _not_ why I put him on your ship, and you know that. But I’m glad he was there, regardless.”

“You’re glad? Admiral, it almost killed him, fuck, it almost killed all of us, and you want to fix the damn thing?”

“There is another transmitter,” Liara suddenly said, interrupting the argument. Shepard turned and stared hard at her, but the Asari simply peeled herself off the window she was leaning against and stepped towards the transmitter.

“If we want to find out what purpose this beacon had for the Protheans we need to try and repair it. Personally, I do want to find out, be it admittedly for very selfish reasons.” She finally looked up at Shepard. “If we’d known an active beacon would react to a functioning keystone the way this one did, I can assure you we would’ve taken precautions. You know how long I’ve been researching Prothean artefacts, and I have never seen anything that mentions such an occurrence. So yes, I want to repair the beacon, but we need another transmitter. We have intel suggesting that there is one on Noveria.”

“There are Prothean artefacts on Noveria?” Shepard felt dumbstruck.

“Not as such,” Lemaire said. “It was taken there by a group of Ex-Alliance personnel.”

“Friends of yours?” Garrus gnarled.

Lemaire ignored him. “They removed it from the beacon on Virmire before Saren’s lab was destroyed. They somehow ended up on Horizon, but left after the Collectors attack and have since settled on Noveria.”

“They were on Horizon?” Shepard asked.

“Yes,” Lemaire said. “Hiding somewhere away from the settlements. Once you guys cleared the place, they travelled to the Citadel and then to Noveria from there.”

“And you know all this how?” Shepard narrowed his eyes at him.

“We found some security footage from one of the abandoned stations on Southern Peak,” Lemaire said and tapped one of the console screens closest to him to bring up an image. “The Corporation cleared out all their research equipment from the station after an explosion about a year ago, but some of the general systems still seem to be online. That’s how we know they still have the transmitter.” He enlarged the slightly blurred image and then zoomed in on two figures with their backs to the camera, one of them carrying an object that didn’t look too dissimilar to their transmitter, even in its current state.

“You seem to know a lot about their movements before they got to Noveria, why are you so interested in them?” Shepard was suspicious, something else was going on here.

“Because it was me who sent them to Virmire to get the transmitter in the first place, their names are Adam McCormack and John Faller.”

Out of the corner of his eye Shepard saw Kaidan look up. He obviously knew who they were.

“Let me guess,” Kaidan said flatly. “You pissed them off as well?”

“We had a… difference in opinion.” Lemaire didn’t elaborate.

“And now you want us to go to Noveria and take that transmitter off their hands?” Shepard took a guess that that was where this conversation was heading. He snorted when Lemaire didn’t answer.

“We just went to Feros and got a Council Spectre killed, Lemaire, and you want us to go and do it all again, are you fucking kidding me? I bet those guys are going to be pleased as hell when we mention your name. Why don’t you go and do your dirty work yourself, because I’m rather sick of doing it for you?”

“I would, but someone has to stay here and try to make the rumors of Commander Shepard and Spectre Alenko turning up on Feros go away,” Lemaire shot back. “You know, I _am_ trying to get you out of the mess I put you in. And since Sakura was the last place Spectre Voltrus was known to be heading before he disappeared from the face of the galaxy, it would certainly help if the Normandy wasn’t docked here when the first Alliance ship manages to get through to us again.”

Shepard looked at Liara. He had no illusion about her thoughts, but he would rather be convinced by her than by another one of Lemaire’s asshole trips. He sometimes wished he had her wisdom, her age, to be able to deal with anger or disappointment in the calm way the Asari did. She had this ability to remind him that there were greater things than the obnoxious attitude of one admiral to worry about. If they wanted to have a chance against the Reapers, they had to look at every Prothean technology they could find.  

“I’ll go,” Kaidan suddenly said, and all eyes turned towards him. He was looking straight at Lemaire, and when he spoke again there was no friendliness in his voice. “If you can clear our names, including Lieutenant Vega’s, and if Commander Shepard can get us to that substation on Noveria, I will go with him and his crew.” He turned towards Shepard. “Do you mind taking Lieutenant Vega with us?”

Something inside Shepard shifted, from boiling red to purple calm, from Cybernetic to Asari. “Not at all, Major.”

Liara stepped closer to Kaidan, and Shepard almost missed the quiet “Thank you” when she gave him a quick hug. She let him go again, but remained close to his side, and for the first time since Shepard and Garrus had entered the room earlier her mood seemed to have mellowed.

“Thank you, Kai–,” Lemaire said, but Kaidan cut him off so harshly Shepard flinched.

“I’m not doing this for you!” Kaidan’s voice was sharper than he had ever heard it before, and Shepard felt himself smiling inwardly as Kaidan continued. He watched Liara place a hand on Kaidan’s arm to calm him down, and her grip tightened as he went on, but even that didn’t stop him. He pulled away from her and moved around the transmitter, but before he could have a real go at Lemaire, Shepard quickly stepped into his path and stopped him with a hand on his chest. He could feel Kaidan’s heartbeat against his palm and left his hand where it was, not willing to let it go.

“I will do this for Liara, and Shepard, and hopefully it will help them against the Reapers further down the line.” Kaidan’s stare was still locked on the admiral as he hissed over the barrier that was Shepard’s shoulder. “And if you ever pull a stunt like that on me or on any of my friends again, I swear, I will punch your lights out myself.”

The man had a temper. Who would’ve thought. Kaidan held Lemaire’s glare for another moment and ground his teeth before pushing Shepard’s hand away with a gentleness that didn’t match the situation, and for reasons completely different to Liara’s, but none less selfish, Shepard was glad Kaidan was on his side. Kaidan didn’t look at him when he turned and walked out of the war room, but whenever Shepard would look back at that meeting on Sakura, between Feros and Noveria, between the first and the second trip with Spectre Alenko on board the Normandy, he knew that that moment between Kaidan and the admiral was the moment Shepard fell for him.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Kaidan takes a step forward...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another monster of a chapter... my brain hurts a little from editing this. 
> 
> And another big thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this story, left kudos, lovely comments, etc. It's all sooooo encouraging and very much appreciated. :D

Kaidan spotted Shepard as soon as the heavy doors to the maintenance bay opened in front of him. The commander was sitting on top of one of the wooden crates that had been lined up along the wall of the gangway, laughing at something Garrus had said. The Turian only smiled without taking his eyes off his omni-tool while he continued scanning the information chips on the crates. When he caught sight of Kaidan, he stopped and looked up. Shepard noticed and turned around, and the grin that spread across his face made Kaidan smile and duck his head in return.

Garrus chuckled and patted Shepard on the shoulder before lifting one of the smaller crates and carrying it up the ramp into the Normandy’s shuttle bay.

“Who would’ve thought you’d be back for a second trip with us so soon, Major?” Shepard smirked and nodded towards Kaidan’s duffle bag.

“We maybe should’ve asked Liara how many parts there are to that beacon,” Kaidan said as he stepped closer. He pointed at the crate next to Shepard. “Do you mind?”

Shepard laughed, shaking his head, and then shifted on his seat. “Not at all, be my guest.”

Kaidan dropped his bag and heaved himself up next to him. Once settled, they sat in silence for a while, eyes fixed on the gleaming ship in front of them, cleaned up and almost ready to go again. Kaidan still felt awkward, sitting so close to Shepard with the prospect of having a normal conversation with him. It was a nice kind of awkward, though, filled with the anticipation of starting something new, and he realized he had felt the same way when they had talked during that evening at the bar, and then again in the mess the night before Feros.

“She’s a fine ship,” he eventually said, for nothing better to say, and he was okay with that.

“The best I’ve ever had,” Shepard said.

“Better than the last one?”

“Hell yeah.” Shepard turned towards him with a mischievous sparkle in his eyes. “She’s like a luxury cruiser compared to the SR-1, you should see the fish tank in my cabin.”

Kaidan snorted a laugh. Naturally, of all the things he had said, Shepard would remember the fish tank. He looked back at Shepard and did a double take when the other man was flashing the widest grin at him.

“You are serious.”

“Totally,” Shepard deadpanned. “Apparently, it was very important to the Illusive Man that I felt at home in my quarters. Anderson just called me a spoiled brat when I told him.”

Kaidan chuckled and shook his head, he could imagine Anderson raising an eyebrow at that. He wondered if the admiral had been in contact with Shepard all this time since he had come back from the dead. He also wondered what Anderson thought of their latest adventure, he still hadn’t managed to get through to him since he had left for Sakura, and he knew Liara hadn’t either.

“Have you heard from him?” he asked. “Anderson, I mean?”

Next to him Shepard leaned forward onto his elbows. “Not for a few weeks, but our communication was sketchy even before we went to Feros. The Alliance doesn’t really like the idea of one of their own exchanging information with a Cerberus terrorist.”

Kaidan watched quietly for a moment as Shepard squinted at the floodlights above them, before dropping his eyes to his hands and picking at a scab on one of his knuckles. He couldn’t even imagine what it felt like to come back from the dead only to find he had landed on the wrong side.

“You’ve known him for a long time?” Kaidan asked, conscious that not so long ago Shepard had asked him the same question about Lemaire.

“Ever since he kicked my ass when I was seventeen. I managed to break into the Alliance base he was stationed at, but somehow never got out again, thanks to that bastard.” Shepard’s voice was full of warmth and affection as he interlaced his fingers and smiled. “He’s the closest thing I have to family, I guess, other than this crazy crew that keeps following me around.” He nodded towards his ship.

“You were born on Earth?” For some reason, Kaidan had always thought that Shepard was a Spacer.

“Born and breed.” Shepard threw a quick glance at him. “Don’t ask me where or how, though. I was a shitty little street kid in New York when Anderson picked me up.”

“And your parents?” Shepard didn’t seem to mind the questions, so Kaidan kept asking.

“No idea,” he said. “The earliest memory I have is from an orphanage in Boston, and then hiding in the back of a truck and ending up in New York. Taught me a thing or two, growing up on the streets.”

“I bet it did,” Kaidan mused. He thought of his own childhood, so different from Shepard’s, so safe and protected, up until Brain Camp. But he also knew what it was like to sleep next to a dumpster one had just dug through for something to eat, he’d been there, too. Only his struggle had been self-inflicted, while it didn’t sound as if Shepard had had much choice. And yet, here he was, one of the greatest warriors of the time, and still sounding so humble about his past.

“When did you join?” Shepard asked, glancing over his shoulder again.

“I was twenty-two,” Kaidan said. “My father and Lemaire ganged up on me, and together they can be very persuasive. Lemaire seems to have changed his tack since then, though.”

“I know,” Shepard snorted. “I’ve never known him to be such an ass.”

“How do you know him?” Kaidan asked. He had meant to ask Liara about it after Shepard’s fight with Ashley, but then had never remembered at the right time.

Shepard leaned back and took a deep breath, but then bent forward and settled on his elbows again. “You’ve heard about Akuze?”

“I have.” Kaidan nodded, bracing himself for what might come next. At the time, he had been horrified by the reports. He had just returned to Vancouver, after having lost two friends on one of his own missions, and the mere thought of Shepard being the only survivor, together with the very graphic news images of his recovery, had made him throw up in the headquarters’ toilets. Back then he was convinced Shepard would’ve been better off if he had died with the rest of his men. Sitting next to him now, close enough to be able to touch him, Kaidan was glad he hadn’t.

“I was in a very dark place after that,” Shepard continued without looking at him, and Kaidan could almost feel his pain. “Lemaire hadn’t been on Sakura for all that long, and he took me in, to help with setting up the training facilities. Gave my hands something to do, my brain something else to think about, that kind of thing.”

Kaidan smiled. “That sounds more like the Lemaire I know.”

“You weren’t that surprised that he pissed off those two other guys, though.” Shepard chuckled as he sat up, shifting on his crate again, and it didn’t escape Kaidan that they were now sitting close enough for their arms to brush against each other if, by accident, he happened to lean just that little bit closer.

He did exactly that, and his smile grew even bigger when he noticed the hair on Shepard’s arm standing on end at the same time a shiver rushed over his own skin. God, he hadn’t felt like this for a long time.

“Faller and McCormack?” he asked quickly, trying to distract from the fact that he was now full-on blushing. He could sense Shepard’s eyes on him but didn’t dare to look.

“You know them?” Shepard asked, and Kaidan was glad to continue the question-and-answer game.

“Yeah, they were both at Jump Zero with me,” he said. “McCormack left only weeks before the incident with Vyrnnus, which was weird because it was so late into the program. He was a nice guy, very quiet. Faller was the complete opposite. He had a temper, and his biotics were like stray bullets, so people stayed away from him. I would hope he’d calmed down with age, but I’m not surprised he clashed with Lemaire.”

This time Kaidan turned to look at Shepard, and when their eyes met, neither of them looked away.

“What is it with you and Lemaire?” Shepard asked, and Kaidan lowered his eyes. He had expected the question to come up at some point, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to risk ruining this moment they had going on between them with his answer.

He sighed and rubbed the scar on the back of his thumb. “Let’s just say that I owe him a lot, if not my life.” He glanced over at Shepard to find the other man’s eyes fixed on the scar as well. “I guess it wasn’t so different from what happened to you after Akuze. When I came back from Jump Zero, I was a different person. I did some pretty stupid things, and hurt a lot of people. Lemaire has always been good at rescuing people, and so he rescued me. I think that’s why I’m so angry with him. He knows how I feel, and he’s using it for his own benefit.”

“You want to tell me what happened back then?” Shepard asked, and when Kaidan looked back up, their eyes locked again.

Kaidan swallowed, but held his gaze. “I do,” he said after a short pause. “One day.”

The distant frown the conversation had painted onto Shepard’s face instantly morphed into another wide grin, and for that alone Kaidan was tempted to say more. The sound of footsteps stopped him, and Garrus emerged from the shuttle bay, coming back down the ramp. He felt Shepard’s arm brush against his again, but then Shepard scooted forward on his crate and jumped off it.

“I could tar and feather him for you, if you want,” he smirked, suggestively raising an eyebrow.

Kaidan laughed, climbing off his own crate, and picked up his bag. “Don’t tempt me,” he said as they made their way up the ramp. 

“I have no idea what that means, but I’m in,” Garrus called after them from where he was scanning another information chip on one of the crates. “Especially since you won’t let me shoot him.”

***

They jumped so many relays Kaidan almost thought they would end up back at the Citadel. Only Noveria was nothing like the Citadel. As soon as they entered the atmosphere around the icy planet, Kaidan was glued to the window of the shuttle, marveling at the beauty of the snow-covered mountains against the spotless blue sky, the glistering white blanket only occasionally broken up by the rock face of the world that lay beneath. From up here, it looked a lot like Canada in the winter, up in the mountains, and the thought brought up memories of his parents. He missed them, he missed even just talking to them, and sitting in the back of the shuttle, about to head out onto another one of Lemaire’s missions, he decided he would to go and visit them, once this was all over. He could hide out in the orchard for a few weeks, to get some proper shore leave, without any beacons or biotics.

They steered clear of Port Hanshan, approaching the surface over the plains just east of the giant mountain range Southern Peak was part of. Joker eventually dropped them at the foot of a vertical cliff, where the slope of the glacier was shallow enough for the shuttle to land, while the shadow of the summit above them provided at least some form of cover as they disembarked.  

“The station is approximately one mile north-west from your current position.” EDI’s voice crackled through the comm link, and Kaidan adjusted his earpiece to clear the signal. Next to him, Ashley took a few tentative steps across the ankle-deep snow and then stamped her foot a couple of times to test the ice underneath.

“Is this safe?” she asked and looked back at Kaidan, shadowing her eyes. She seemed to be warming to him. He had wanted to talk to her about Isla’s visit to the cabin, but had never found the right occasion to bring it up.

“It is quite safe, Lieutenant Williams,” EDI answered through the comm link. “According to the satellite footage, the last avalanche occurred sixty-seven hours ago. What is now left is only a cover of snow on top of a thousand year old sheet of ice. The risk of another avalanche within the next twenty-four hours is minimal, unless there is a snow storm.”

Ashley huffed. “Thanks EDI. Any snow storms on the forecast?”

“Not for the next five hours.”

“That’s encouraging,” Ashley grumbled and covered her eyes again to look up towards the sky.

“Come on, let’s move,” Shepard shouted at them as he slowly made his way towards the top of the glacier, his gun ready in front of him, his helmet strapped to his back. Garrus and James followed, flanking him on either side.

“Come on.” Kaidan waved at Ashley. Treading slowly while taking turns in keeping an eye on the area behind them, they followed the others through the snow. It didn’t look like any living soul had ever set foot on this part of the planet, the biting breeze tousling Ashley’s ponytail and taking the warmth out of the air. When they came closer to the top, where the glacier folded its arm over the edge to trail down the other side of the ridge, Shepard lifted his hand, and they all stopped.

“EDI?”

“The area up to the station is clear, Commander, but I’m picking up signs of organic and synthetic life inside the building.” EDI said.

Shepard and Garrus shared a concerned look. “Collectors?”

“I’m still working on the identification, but some are showing the same attributes as your own, sir,” EDI replied, and Kaidan frowned at the comment.

“Cybernetics?” Shepard asked.

“Yes, sir.”

“Where?” Garrus grunted, his gun firmly pointed towards the ridge.

“The synthetics are roaming the outer perimeter of the building and some of the receptions rooms inside,” EDI continued. “The humans are further inside, close to where the explosion occurred. Most of them seem to be in the main laboratory, but there is one in one of the adjacent holding cells.”

“They have a hostage?” Garrus asked, and Kaidan wondered if that was what EDI was implying.

“Possible,” EDI said. “But whoever it is, it is human.”

“Okay,” Shepard said, his forehead furrowed. “Let’s be prepared for a hostile welcome, who knows what these guys are up to.” He pushed his helmet on and then waited for the others to do the same while he spoke to EDI again. “EDI, can we find cover once we’re over this hill?”

“Not until you get closer to the building.” EDI’s voice crackled again as Kaidan pushed his own helmet over his head and fastened it to his armor. “There is an old vehicle not far from the main entrance. You could also reach the loading bays from there, in case you wish to take the less obvious route in.”

“Nah, the main entrance will do.” Shepard grinned and turned towards Kaidan. “Major, do you think you can give us cover if we need it?”

“I think so,” Kaidan replied, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth before he could stop it. It had been a long time since he had prepared to go into a possible battle zone like this, and for a brief moment he failed to contain his excitement. He quickly brushed it aside and glanced at the others to see if anybody had noticed, but his visor must have covered it up, as none of them were paying him any attention. Until his eyes met Shepard’s through the commander’s own visor, and the smirk on Shepard’s face told him that he _had_ noticed.

“Don’t have too much fun, Alenko.” Shepard’s tease floated through the air between them. “If there are biotics here, we might need your resources inside as well.” Of course, that did make the others turn and look at him.

“We better stay close together then,” he said, glad to find that at least his voice was cooperating. He thought he heard Shepard’s chuckle through the comm link as the commander waved them on, but then all conversation died down, and all that was left was the crunching of the snow underneath their feet. They passed over the ridge, slowly climbing down the hill on the other side. When Kaidan finally caught sight of the station he let out a soft whistle.

The station was built into the rock between two glaciers, multiple stories high and lined with narrow strips of windows, an elevator tower stretching towards the sky in its center. He could see the hole in the building where the explosion must have blown out the outer wall, the blackened concrete covered with patches of snow. The vehicle EDI had mentioned was an old Mako, or rather, the shell of what was left of it. They were still a good distance away from it when EDI’s voice came back through the comm link.

“Commander, I’m receiving readings of movement inside the building to the right of the tower.”

Kaidan tensed at EDI’s words and prepared himself to bring up a barrier around the group. A second later a high-pitched howl cut through the cold, and then something crawled through one of the windows on the first floor of the building. It was nothing like anything Kaidan had ever seen before, formed like a human, its limbs a Frankensteinish mixture of dark muscle and cybernetics, its eyes glowing, even against the bright light of the sun.

 “Husks,” Shepard shouted. “Take cover!”

The thunder of gunshots swallowed Shepard’s voice. Just as the first creature jump to the ground, seemingly without any effort, others emerged, one by one, morbid eyes scanning the surroundings before focusing on their little group. Kaidan brought up his barrier around them as they waded through the snow as fast as they could, firing towards the building when more and more creatures surfaced from the windows.

He only dropped the shield when his back hit the side of the vehicle as he crouched down behind it, while James and Garrus were already shooting over the top. Shepard knelt beside him, talking to EDI to get more information on their opponents, when something flew over the top of their heads. One of the creatures landed only a few feet away from them, and without thinking, Kaidan buried a bullet its neck, and then a second one in its head.

“Fuck, what are they?” James panted next to him. A distant hum made Kaidan bring up another barrier around them, just in time for it to be hit with an electric charge that rattled all the way into his bones. He tightened his grip around this gun and centered his mind, and when a second charge hit the shield, he managed to hold it off.

“Husks,” Shepard growled. “This is what you’ll turn into if a Collector catches you. How many more, EDI?”

“About twenty,” EDI’s replied. “You need to get through the second set of doors inside the building, Commander, the Husks don’t seem to go any further than that.”

“Are those doors locked?” Kaidan asked.

“Encrypted, Major,” EDI said, just as he felt his omni-tool vibrate against his arm. “I have just sent you the code.”

He dropped the barrier to catch his breath, and the others started firing over the top of the Mako again.

“Can you give us enough cover to get inside?” Shepard asked as another Husk dropped off the side of the Mako, landing next to Ashley’s feet. She shot it a few more times for good measure, before kicking it away with disgust.

Kaidan wasn’t sure he’d be able to hold the barrier long enough for them to get inside, he could feel the strain of shielding all five of them from those electric charges. But maybe he could do something else.

“Be ready to run,” he said and took a deep breath. He focused his mind, momentarily bringing up his own barrier until he felt the current increase and run into his arms. He quickly stood and released a reave around them, and then Shepard was yelling at them to move, move. They managed to shoot a path through the temporarily incapacitated swarm of Husks and made it through the main doors before the ones that hadn’t been shot started moving again.

Kaidan found the lock for the second door while the others provided him with cover. Without wasting time, he attached his omni-tool to it and brought up the code EDI had sent him. He started to like that AI.

“Alenko, hurry up!” Shepard barked, just as the light on the small dashboard turned green and the doors slid open. They quickly filtered through, Garrus pulling James with him while the young soldier was still shooting at the Husks. Then the doors slid shut again and plunged them into darkness. When his eyes began to adjust, Kaidan found they had stepped into a corridor, the only light coming from some form of emergency lighting running low along the walls.

“What’s with the air in here?” he heard James wheeze, and he realized he was gasping for air as well, just as the filtration system of his helmet kicked in. Leaning heavily against the wall, he rubbed his neck and tried to breathe evenly to calm the burn at the back of his head.

“Are you okay?” Shepard asked over his shoulder. He had followed Garrus a few steps further into the building, guns pointing into the dark ahead of them. Next to Kaidan, Ashley hissed as she was activating some medi-gel onto a wound on her arm.

“Why do they always have to fucking sting like that,” she grunted, but then Kaidan could see her face relax when the medi-gel started to work.

He looked back at Shepard and tried to speak, but his voice got stuck in his throat and he had to swallow and take another breath before it finally functioned again. “I’m good.”

“Here,” James said from the other side of the corridor and passed him a protein bar, and Kaidan chuckled as he took it from him. He wondered if there was ever a situation Vega wasn’t prepared for. He would have to keep an eye on him once they were done with this; it was always good to know a few good resources you could rely on, and Vega was certainly one of those. Kaidan was still smiling when he pushed up his visor and shoved half the bar into his mouth, before shutting the visor again quickly.

“Drop your weapons!” a male voice hollered from the end of the corridor, and a second later a single bullet sunk into the floor just a few feet in front of Shepard and had them all rushing back against the walls.

“EDI, how many are in there?” Shepard whispered as he peered towards the hidden shooter.

“One here, three inside the main laboratory, and one inside the holding cell,” EDI replied. “All vitals are weak, though, Commander.”

Kaidan held his breath as they all held still and listened for any movement from the man at the other end of the corridor.

“John Faller?” Shepard eventually asked into the silence and after another short break the man answered.

“Who wants to know?”

“That isn’t John Faller.” Kaidan straightened up as he recognized the voice. It was strained, and tired, but definitely not Faller, nor McCormack.

“Commander Shepard of the Normandy,” Shepard replied.

There was another pause, and then the man spoke again. “Commander Shepard? Now why would _the_ Commander Shepard bother with coming to this godforsaken place?”

“Beau Jefferson?” Kaidan asked into the dark, even more certain that he knew the owner of that voice. Ashley grabbed his arm when he stepped away from the wall, but he kept his eyes trained on the dark corner where he thought the other man was standing. He waited, and then Beau Jefferson stepped out of the shadows, his arms stretched out in front of him as he pointed his gun at them.

“Alenko?”

Kaidan carefully moved forward and was relieved to see that Beau was lowering his gun. They had been friends once, Beau being one of the few people Kaidan had kept in contact with after Brain Camp. But then Beau had left Earth one day and disappeared into the ether of the galaxy, and Kaidan had never heard from him again. He wondered if Lemaire had known that he was here as well. Surely, if he had, he would’ve mentioned it.

“What are you doing here?” he asked. He could feel Shepard right behind him, and as they got closer, Kaidan’s heart sunk when he saw the state Beau was in. His eyes sat deep inside their bony sockets above the breathing mask he had strapped over his mouth, his skin looking pale and sickly. He had either lost weight or the armor he was wearing wasn’t his, and Kaidan thought he could see his hands tremble when he awkwardly held the gun towards the ground.

Beau’s eyes grew wide when he realized it was really Shepard he had spoken to earlier.

“C-Commander Shepard,” he croaked and then turned back to Kaidan as if Shepard wasn’t standing right there in front of him. “Isn’t he with Cerberus, you know, and dead, supposedly? And what is this alien crew you’ve dragged in here?” His head twitched towards Garrus behind them.

Kaidan felt Shepard grow tense next to him, and he quickly reached out and lay a hand on his arm to stop him from doing anything rushed. He didn’t take his eyes off Beau, he could tell the other biotic was out of sorts.

“Beau, what are you doing here?” he asked again, trying to keep his voice low and calm, and Beau turned his attention back towards him, regarding him with tumultuous eyes. “And why is the air in here so bad?” Kaidan tried when there was still no reply.

Finally, Beau sighed and pushed his gun back into the holster on his belt. He huffed and pointed towards the ventilation shaft above his head.

“We’ve blocked the air conditioning,” he said. “For some reason that keeps the Husks away. There aren’t enough of us to fight them constantly, we’ve already lost two since they arrived, and another one isn’t in a good way.”

“How long have you been holding out in here?” Shepard asked.

“Almost three weeks now,” Beau replied. “The Husks appeared about two days after we got here.”

“Are John Faller and Adam McCormack with you?” Shepard kept going.

“How do you know they’re here?” Beau’s eyes darted from Shepard to Kaidan and then back.

“We’re after something we think is in their possession,” Shepard said calmly. “Some equipment they took from Virmire.”

“That piece of junk?” Beau rolled his eyes. “I knew the old prick would come after that one day, we should’ve just got rid of it a long time ago, we’ve had nothing but trouble because of it.”

“Trouble?” Kaidan asked. Beau’s face went blank, as if someone had flicked a switch and made him zone out, and Kaidan had the horrible feeling that it wasn’t just his physical state that was in bad shape. But then he sighed again and, to Kaidan’s surprise, waved them on to follow him.

Shepard motioned to Garrus and James to guard the door, before gesturing to Ashley to follow them.

“These things, the Husks,” Beau said over his shoulder as he led them along a corridor of unhinged doors and ragged frames of shattered windows, the laboratory rooms behind them long raided and abandoned. “This isn’t the first time they’ve attacked us. We were on Horizon before we came here, and the same happened there. They tried to take that transmitter off us there, and I’m convinced that’s why they’re here, too. I would’ve just thrown it out the window and let them have it, but Faller thinks we should keep it, in case we need to bargain with them. As if they’d ever negotiate.”

Kaidan threw a careful glance towards Shepard, who only raised a questioning eyebrow back at him. He didn’t get a chance to ask, why, of all places, Beau and the others had come to Noveria, as Beau tapped the lock on another door and waved them through. Kaidan barely had time to realize that they had walked into the main lab, before Shepard and Ashley had their guns drawn at John Faller, who was pointing his own gun at Shepard’s head.

“Whoa.” Kaidan quickly stepped between them, holding up his empty hands towards Faller. “Hold fire, we’re not here to shoot anyone.” He noticed Faller wasn’t wearing any mask, so he quickly unclipped his helmet and pulled it off his head.

Faller blinked. His eyebrows shot up, and when a sneer appeared on his face, Kaidan was reminded why he had always kept his distance from the guy. It pained him to see Beau in the poor shape he was in, but somehow that sentiment didn’t extend to Faller, who didn’t seem to be faring much better. The fact that Faller hadn’t just zapped them immediately with his biotics made Kaidan hope that the man wasn’t strong enough to put up a real fight.

“Fuck me, if that isn’t fucking _Spectre_ Alenko,” Faller snorted. And then his eyes widened when Shepard followed Kaidan’s lead and pulled off his helmet as well. “And you brought fucking Commander Shepard with you. Holy crap, when did we get bumped up on the wanted list to grant that kind of tail?”

Behind Faller a woman stood awkwardly in front of another man, who was lying on a makeshift gurney. When the man turned his head with a groan, Kaidan recognized McCormack, and his stomach dropped when McCormack’s dull eyes settled on him. He thought he saw the faintest hint of a smile flicker across the man’s face, but then it turned into a pained frown, followed by a rasping gasp when McCormack was trying to speak, but couldn’t. The woman next to him quickly lay a hand on his shoulder, but bent down to place her ear closer to his mouth.

Kaidan didn’t think McCormack had actually managed to speak, but the woman suddenly straightened with a jerk and turned towards the large glass window at the other side of the room. Kaidan followed her gaze and froze.

Suddenly everyone and everything around him was forgotten, a rush of white noise ringing in his ears as he stepped away from the others towards the room behind the window. Within an instant, he had forgotten where he was and who was with him, or why he had come here in the first place. Nothing made any sense, he was somewhere he couldn’t name, for reasons he couldn’t remember. All he could do was stare at the person on the other side of the glass, and wonder what was happening. And why Rahna wouldn’t look back at him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no... I think I better go and add a few more tags for all that hurt... there will be comfort, too, I promise.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Shepard makes a move...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW...

Shepard flinched. Kaidan had merely breathed Rahna’s name, but it still hit him like the unexpected recoil of a miscalibrated gun.

“Shit, Alenko!” Ashley hissed behind him, as Kaidan stepped away from them, leaving the space open for Faller to point his gun at Shepard’s head again. Shepard adjusted his aim to reciprocate the gesture and pinned Faller with a stare, while next to him, Ashley did the same. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Kaidan move towards what had to be the holding cell, and the thought that these guys were keeping one of their own in there triggered all kinds of warnings in his head.

“Damn it,” he groaned and then lowered his gun without taking his eyes off Faller, willing him to do the same. To make his point, he reached out and pushed down Ashley’s weapon as well, and finally Faller removed the barrel of his own gun from Shepard’s face. Once Shepard was sure his opposite wouldn’t suddenly change his mind, he turned and followed Kaidan’s gaze.

Kaidan had walked over to the window, closely watched by Beau and the woman behind Faller, while the injured man next to her seemed barely conscious. On the other side of the glass, Rahna was standing in the middle of the room, staring at one of the walls, her face half obscured by her hair. Something inside Shepard twisted tightly around his gut. This wasn’t right. They hadn’t been loud, but they had undoubtedly caused a commotion, and still she hadn’t even turned to see what was going on.

“Rahna.” Kaidan’s voice was rough as he lifted his hand and lightly touched the window.

“Alenko, don’t!” Beau took a step closer to Kaidan, but his warning went unnoticed. Kaidan just stared at Rahna, unmoving.

Then Rahna turned, and Kaidan drew a sharp breath and snapped his hand away from the glass as she glared at him with dark red eyes. Without taking her eyes off him, she lifted her chin, a blue haze gleaming around her body, and a second later a biotic charge erupted from her hands and bounced off the walls and the window. She shifted almost mechanically, and her eyes moved away from Kaidan; she cocked her head when they found Shepard and settled on him.

“Shit, Kaidan, get away from her!” Shepard stepped away from Faller and drew his gun at the window.

“What the fuck, Shepard!”

“She can’t get through the glass,” Beau said. “She keeps trying, but she isn’t strong enough.”

“How long has she been like this?” Shepard asked and then yanked Kaidan back when he reached for the window again. “Kaidan, don’t. That isn’t Rahna, not anymore.”

“What are you talking about?” Kaidan growled at him, and Shepard cursed himself for what he was going to say next. He had seen this before, but Kaidan obviously hadn’t.

“Why didn’t you kill her when the Collectors got to her?” Shepard spat at Beau.

“What?” Next to him, Kaidan gasped.

At first, Beau visibly shrunk. But then he straightened, and his face hardened as he squared up to Shepard. This was good, anger was good, because one way or another, someone would have to kill Rahna, and he desperately hoped, for Kaidan’s and his own sake, it wouldn’t have to be either of them.

“Because she wasn’t like this from the beginning,” Beau snapped back at him. “She contacted me a few months ago, said she thought she was being followed. We met up on Horizon, just before the attack on the colony. She was completely normal until we got here. _She_ put herself in there, to protect us.”

“This isn’t protecting you.” Shepard pointed at Rahna, keeping his gun firmly aimed at her. “This is why the Husks are here, and why they will follow you, and kill every single one of you, until they have her.”

“Stop this!” Kaidan grabbed him, his fingers forcefully clasping Shepard’s arm, and Shepard could see the anger and utter confusion in his eyes.

“Kaidan, she’s indoctrinated,” Shepard said, purposely holding his gaze. He nodded towards the window. “She isn’t herself anymore, and won’t ever be again. She’s like a spying glass for the Collectors, whatever she sees, they see.”

“No,” Kaidan said through clenched teeth, but then turned towards Rahna when another biotic charge bounded through the holding cell and against the window. His anger turned into surprise, and then horror, when a loud bang echoed through the lab as the window cracked from top to bottom. More blue lightning followed, and the window burst and exploded around them.

Shards of glass rained down on him as Shepard tried to duck under his arm and pull the trigger at the same time, but Rahna managed to bring up her barrier in a flash to deflect the bullet. He didn’t get a chance to fire another one, as Kaidan suddenly wrapped his arm around his throat with such force it almost toppled them over. The next shot that came wasn’t Shepard’s, but he could feel a clunk against his armor as the bullet grazed his shoulder.

“No, no, no.” Kaidan sputtered as they stumbled backward, Shepard clawing at his arm, trying to pull it off. Another gun went off, and not far from them Faller went to the ground when Ashley put a bullet through his head. Beau was still standing only a few feet away from the window, wide-eyed and stock-still. Behind him, Garrus rushed through the doors, and a second later two more shots rang through the air, and Shepard heard another thud and something clattering to the ground behind him.

And then Rahna was through the broken window with one simple leap and on top of Beau, wrestling him to the ground, and suddenly the arm around Shepard’s neck was gone, and he was shoved aside as Kaidan stumbled towards them. Shepard could only watch as Rahna looked up at Kaidan, snarling at him as she grabbed Beau’s head with both hands. Kaidan froze, and Beau’s neck snapped with a sickening sound that made Shepard’s stomach turn in on itself.  

Beau’s body went limp, and Rahna jerked around, fixing Kaidan with her eyes, and Shepard’s heart stopped. A chill crept up the back of his neck when Rahna’s mouth twisted into a crooked sneer, and then she lunged herself at Kaidan.

The shot fell before Shepard had any time to react, and Rahna crumbled to the floor. She tried to get up, but Kaidan pulled the trigger once more, and this time, when she fell back on top of Beau’s body, she didn’t move again.

Kaidan’s knees buckled and he sank to the floor, his gun on his lap, his hands shaking as he stared at the two lifeless bodies in front of him. Less than ten minutes ago they had been talking about fucking blocked up air conditioning shafts, how the hell did they end up with this? Shepard stepped forward and put a hand on Kaidan’s shoulder, wanting nothing more than to comfort the other man, but Kaidan shrugged him off harshly, and Shepard understood.

Kaidan once had been close enough to Rahna, cared enough to kill someone to protect her. And Beau? Shepard had seen the look of concern on Kaidan’s face when they had first run into Beau, and from the way they had talked to each other, Shepard had no doubt the two men had been friends, too.

A muffled sound behind him reminded him that there had been more shots, and that Kaidan wasn’t the only crew member that had been with him, but when he turned around he found both Faller and the other woman dead on the floor. Ashley had removed her helmet and was leaning over the man on the gurney, who he guessed would be McCormack, and another wave of dread washed over him. Kaidan had known these people, and now all but one of them were dead, and this last one didn’t look like he would last much longer either.

He looked back at Kaidan, and he hated himself. It should’ve been him, he should’ve taken that shot, not Kaidan. And he hated Lemaire and hated Liara, for asking them to do this, all for a stupid piece of metal. When he turned back towards Ashley, she was looking at him, and when she beckoned him over, he finally pulled himself away from Kaidan and made his way towards the man on the gurney.

“Adam McCormack?” he asked as he leaned into the man’s vision. The guy had reached for Ashley’s hand and was fiercely holding on to it. He tried to speak, but nothing more than a broken gurgle escaped his throat, and Shepard quickly lay a hand on his shoulder to stop him.

“I’m Commander Shepard, and this is Lieutenant Williams.” Ashley smiled at McCormack and squeezed his hand. The man’s eyes lit up, and he weakly nodded his head. On the other side of the room Garrus had started to rummage through what looked like the group’s belongings.

“I’m sorry to asked you this,” Shepard said. “But when you came here you had something with you, a transmitter. Admiral Lemaire asked you to collect it from Virmire.”

McCormack looked confused, but then his expression cleared and he nodded again. He let go of Ashley’s hand and groaned in pain when he pointed at the cover to a ventilation shaft behind her. Shepard followed the gesture and then strode over to the wall.

“Garrus, over here.”

Soon after, they pulled the transmitter into the room. They could easily lift it between the two of them, and they carried it over towards the door, past Ashley and McCormack, past Kaidan still sitting motionless next to Rahna’s and Beau’s bodies.

“We need to start moving,” Garrus said next to him, and Shepard realized that he had been staring at Kaidan. When he looked over towards Ashley, she was still holding McCormack’s hand, quietly talking to him. He thought he saw McCormack trying to shake his head at something Ashley had said, and the pleading look in his eyes was as clear as the Sakura night sky. Ashley looked up and locked eyes with Shepard, and he knew what McCormack had asked her.

“Kaidan,” she called out softly, and Shepard closed his eyes and cursed inwardly. Of course, out of all of them it had to be Kaidan who was the only one equipped to relief McCormack from his suffering.

When he opened his eyes again, Kaidan had picked himself up from the floor and was slowly making his way over to Ashley. He leaned over McCormack and a sad smile appeared on his face that was mirrored with a labored smile by the other man. His voice was only a murmur, and then Kaidan tapped his omni-tool and injected something into McCormack’s arm. Another quick smile hushed over McCormack face, and then his eyes glazed over and fell shut, and his head lolled to the side.

Shepard cleared his throat. “Let’s move,” he said. He pushed his helmet on and waited for Kaidan and Ashley to do the same as they solemnly made their way across the lab. Then Kaidan stopped and crouched down next to Rahna and Beau again.

He carefully rolled Rahna’s body onto her back and gently ran his fingers through her hair. He tried to straighten out her clothing until he realized how much blood he had smeared onto his hands. He looked so lost as he wiped them slowly on his own armor, and Shepard wished he could turn back the time, wished they had never come here.

Someone nudged his elbow and when he glanced over his shoulder, Ashley and Garrus had picked up the transmitter and were carrying it towards the door. A moment later Shepard and Kaidan were alone. When he turned back towards Kaidan, the other man had closed Rahna’s eyes and was placing a quiet kiss on her forehead. He stroked her cheek once more and then turned towards Beau and readied himself to lift the body.

“Kaidan.” Shepard was confused, and Kaidan finally looked up at him.

“I’m taking him with us,” Kaidan said firmly.

“We can’t– ” Shepard said, but Kaidan interrupted him.

“He. Is. Coming. With. Us.”

They stared at each other across the room, and Shepard could see the storm of emotion in Kaidan’s eyes. There was pain, for Rahna, for Beau, who both clearly meant something to Kaidan, although Shepard didn’t understand why Kaidan wanted to take Beau and not Rahna, and for a split second the idea that maybe Beau had been more than just a friend downright frightened him. There was anger, maybe even directed at him, and Shepard hated the thought. He didn’t want to argue, how could he, after everything that had just happened?

He sighed and dropped his head. “You need any help?”

Kaidan exhaled and his shoulders slumped forward. “I’m okay,” he said and moved to lift Beau’s body over his shoulder.

Shepard knew he wasn’t, but what else could he do? He hit the lock on the door, and then tapped his helmet for the comm link. “EDI, we need a pick up right outside the building, as soon as possible.” It was time they got away from this shithole.

***

“Joker!” Kaidan heard Shepard shout through the comm link. “Where the fuck are you, we need to get out of here, now!”

He shifted the body over his shoulder, readjusting his hold around Beau’s legs, when something hissed past his helmet and ricocheted off the Mako. Next to him Ashley reloaded and emptied another round into the Husks. He spotted the shuttle coming over the top of the glacier just as he heard the familiar hum again, and he quickly brought up another barrier around them. He knew he couldn’t hold it up for long, so he dropped it again as soon as the electric charge had fizzled out.  

“Let’s go,” Shepard bellowed from somewhere to his left. Even before Joker had completely opened the shuttle ramp, Garrus had jumped onto it, covering their backs as Ashley and Kaidan climbed after him. Beau’s dead weight felt heavy on Kaidan’s back as he hauled himself inside. Behind him, Shepard and James appeared with the transmitter between them, and Joker pulled them back up into the air even before the ramp slammed shut again.

Kaidan swayed as they docked inside the Normandy’s shuttle bay, and Garrus grabbed his arm to steady him. Kaidan threw him a thankful glance, and then they stood in silence while they waited for the ramp to open again, Kaidan’s breath still heavy and his heart racing, gunshots still ringing in his head.

He hesitated when it finally opened, and Garrus must have noticed, and when the Turian offered to take Beau’s body off him, Kaidan let him. He shuddered, the memory of Beau’s neck breaking taking hold of him, and he quickly shook it off and stepped off the shuttle to follow the others.

The sight of Garrus carrying Beau into the elevator as if the other man was only injured and not dead made him stop, and suddenly any strength he had left slipped out of him. His back hit the shuttle wall and he slid to the ground, desperately holding on to his gun.

He had just shot Rahna. Rahna, who had killed Beau as if she had never known him, who would’ve killed him, too. What on Earth had happened to her, what on Earth had just happened in there? They had come to pick up a fucking transmitter and left with every one of them dead. How could something go so wrong?

“Kaidan.” He only realized someone was calling his name when Shepard’s face appeared in front of his visor.

“Hey,” Shepard said, and Kaidan almost broke at the sound of his voice, his own breath stumbling. He felt dazed when Shepard unclipped his helmet, closing his eyes as the other man gently pulled it off, only to open them again quickly, the steadiness of Shepard’s piercing blue gaze the only thing that kept him from falling apart.

Shepard placed the helmet on the floor and sat down next to him. He was close enough for their hips to touch, pushing his leg against Kaidan’s, and the simple movement was like an anchor that finally brought the spinning world around him to a halt. When Shepard wrapped an arm around his shoulders, he leaned into it, his eyes fluttering shut when Shepard’s forehead touched his temple. Kaidan’s gun tumbled to the ground when a warm breath feathered the skin behind his ear, sending a shiver down his spine.

“Take me to bed, Kaidan.” Shepard’s voice was low, a rough growl full of promise and want. Hot lips pressed against the tendon at the side of Kaidan’s neck, and he couldn’t suppress a moan, Shepard’s words going straight to his groin. By God, he wanted to. Even after all this, he still wanted to grab Shepard and let him wash away all the pain, let him take all those raw emotions and turn them into something else.

Turning his head, he gently cupped Shepard’s face and kissed him, long and slow. Shepard’s lips were soft and calming, undemanding and comforting, and all Kaidan could do was hold on. Beau was dead, and Rahna’s blood was on his hands, but Shepard was still there, still with him.

He broke the kiss and swallowed, touching his forehead to Shepard’s. He didn’t open his eyes, he didn’t want to see what Shepard was seeing, didn’t want to see his pity. He quickly dropped his hand and pushed himself up. He knew Shepard’s eyes were on him when he picked up his gun and stowed it in his locker. He didn’t bother collecting his helmet or taking off his armor, and didn’t dare to look back when he made his way to the elevator. He was a mess and he didn’t want Shepard to see any more of it, and when the elevator doors shut behind him he was glad he was alone.

***

It was past midnight when Shepard received Chakwas’ message. After Kaidan had left the shuttle bay, he had put away Kaidan’s helmet and then headed straight to his quarters, desperate to get out of his armor and have a long shower, to get rid of the physical traces the trip into the station had left on his body. He hadn’t called anyone in for a debrief, none of them seemed to be in a mood to talk any more about what had happened down there. He certainly wasn’t. He hadn’t gone after Kaidan either, sensing the man wanted to be alone for a while. He hadn’t expected him to still be up more than eight hours later, though.

He entered the medical bay and then stopped just inside the door. The room lay in darkness, apart from the lone light on the Doc’s desk. The sound of fingers tapping over a keyboard had stopped when he had walked in, and Chakwas had turned with her chair to look at him. A tired smile appeared on her face, and she nodded towards the medical table at the back of the room.

Kaidan sat with his back to them, his head in his hands, an unmovable figure in the dark. The dim light barely touched him, and he looked like he hadn’t moved for hours, still in his under-armor, his breeches and boots still covered in the remnants of the day. In front of him, Beau’s dead body lay on the examination table, still in the clothes he had died in.

Kaidan didn’t react when Shepard walked closer, he didn’t react when Shepard reached out and closed his hand around the back of his neck, squeezing gently before running his thumb along the same tendon he had kissed hours earlier.

“Hey.” Shepard bent down and wrapped his arm around Kaidan until his hand came to rest near his collarbone. His lips brushed the skin on Kaidan’s neck as he pulled him back against his own chest, and he could feel the other man tense but push into him, leaning in to press his cheek against Shepard’s as he finally lifted his head.

“Come on,” Shepard said and tugged lightly, encouraging him to stand. And Kaidan did, without a word. He stopped once more to look back at Beau, his fingers brushing over the dead man’s hand in a silent goodbye, before following Shepard out of the medical bay.

They stepped into the elevator side by side, but when Shepard glanced over, Kaidan’s eyes were glued to the ground. He leaned against the wall on one side of the cabin, while Shepard took a similar stance at the opposite wall. They stood in silence as the doors slid shut, and Shepard could feel his heartbeat at the back of his throat. Then Kaidan looked up, and Shepard swallowed when Kaidan’s eyes bore into him, taking his own feelings and throwing them straight back at him.

With two strides Kaidan closed the distance between them and grabbed Shepard’s face and kissed him. Hard. Thumbs brushed against his jaw as Kaidan pressed him against the wall, his tongue teasing into Shepard’s mouth. And Shepard wrapped his arms around him and pulled him in, as close as he could, tasting Kaidan on his lips and allowing his tongue to be greedy. He couldn’t hold back a moan as a wave of heat washed over him; he had been craving this man for so long.

He was vaguely aware when the doors opened again as they reached the top deck, but neither of them was willing to stop. Only when he heard the doors slide shut again did he force himself to move, quickly reaching out to halt them without breaking the kiss. Startled by the motion, Kaidan pulled back. He was breathing heavily, hooded eyes hanging on Shepard’s lips, as he tipped his head and rested his forehead against Shepard’s.

Shepard couldn’t help the small smile. He lifted his hand, fingertips tracing the day-old stubble along Kaidan’s jaw. He tensed when the door tugged on his other hand, trying to shut itself again.

“Are you coming?” Shepard asked, and nudged Kaidan to look at him. Kaidan’s eyes were shaded and full of want, and for a moment Shepard thought Kaidan would kiss him again. But then he pulled away and stepped off the elevator, and Shepard felt a slight pang of regret that he hadn’t.

The disappointment didn’t last, as Kaidan followed him into his cabin without any sign of hesitation, and Shepard felt his heart speed up again. But then Kaidan stopped only a few steps in as the door closed behind him, and when Shepard looked back at him, something else had taken over.

Kaidan looked tired as hell. He just stood there, his arms hanging loosely at his sides, a smear of blood above his right eye. Hours later and he was still in the same clothes, as if he was keeping them on in case he had to go back, and all Shepard wanted to do was undress him.

He stepped forward and reached for the clasp of Kaidan’s chest plate, and when he moved his fingers to undo it, Kaidan let him. He let him tug at the edges of his shirt and pull it out of his breeches and off over his head, let him unbuckle his belt and unzip his trousers. “Your boots,” Shepard said quietly, and Kaidan bent down to loosen them and then kicked them off. He let Shepard run his thumbs under his waistband and pull the breeches down, and Kaidan stepped out of them before Shepard turned him around and gently pushed him towards the bathroom.

Shepard followed him to the door. His breath caught when he realized Kaidan’s hands were on the waistband of his briefs, and then he was pushing them down. His body was beautiful but bruised, panes of muscle trailing along the dip of his spine, moving tantalizing around the curve of his ass. Kaidan carefully touched the control panel on the wall and stepped into the spray, and Shepard had to stop himself from simply stripping down as well and following him. Instead, he crossed his arms in front of him and leaned against the doorframe.

Shepard couldn’t stop watching. He could tell Kaidan was just functioning, following muscle memory rather than consciously knowing his hands were soaping up his hair, then the rest of his body. Kaidan finally closed his eyes and held his head into the spray, one hand against the wall to steady himself. He stood like this for a long time, steam rising around him while the water ran over his body. Then he dropped his head and turned, his gaze meeting Shepard’s as he leaned back against the wall, his hands splayed flat against the tiles beside him as if he needed to ground himself.

His eyes fluttered, and Shepard understood at once what they were asking. He pushed off the doorframe and stepped into the room. He took his time to undress, sensing he was returning a favor as Kaidan watched him from within the shower. By the time he was naked, he was hard, and so was Kaidan, and Shepard quickly joined him under the spray, crowding him against the wall.

This time the kiss was different, chaste and almost careful, as if it was their first. But then Kaidan’s hands were on him, one sliding over the back of his head, fingertips scraping softly over his scalp, the other on the small of his back, then on his ass, pulling him close. Shepard opened his mouth to let him in, his erection catching on Kaidan’s as he thrust up against his hip, pressing him harder against the wall.

An incredibly hot sound escaped from Kaidan’s throat, and Shepard knew they wouldn’t last long. Shepard couldn’t suppress his own moan as Kaidan’s touch suddenly gained in urgency, fingers pulling at his skin and digging into his flesh hard enough to leave marks. Another moan, Kaidan thrusting against him, his pace quickening with his breath, and then Kaidan gasped and went still, and Shepard could feel him pulse against his stomach. He held him through it, his own breath heavy somewhere close to Kaidan’s ear, the burn of Kaidan’s fingers still grazing the skin of his ass.

Eventually Kaidan swallowed. Shepard pulled away, but was stopped when Kaidan’s hands came up around the back of his neck.

“Where’re you going?” His voice was hoarse and raspy.

Shepard chuckled and met Kaidan’s eyes. “I think you need some food, Major.”

“I do.” Kaidan smiled and then leaned forward and gently bit Shepard’s lower lip. “After…”

Shepard felt fingertips ghosting over his hipbone, just before Kaidan’s hand curled around him as their lips met again, and all Shepard could do was hold on to Kaidan’s shoulders while the other man stroke him slowly but firmly. When Kaidan’s thumb brushed over the slit at the top, once, twice, Shepard had to break the kiss to breathe. Kaidan chased after him, gently nipping his bottom lip again, and then pressed his thumb against the slit. A strangled sound erupted from Shepard’s throat when a flare of biotics travelled down his shaft, and then all air left his lungs and he came with such a force he almost doubled over.

“Fuck,” Shepard rasped between gasping for air and trying to swallow. Kaidan chuckled but kept a loose grip around him until the last aftershock had passed and then gently maneuvered him to stand under the showerhead again, taking his time to wipe them both clean. Shepard felt dazed when Kaidan prodded him to get moving.

“Now I need food,” he said and climbed out the shower on shaky legs. Shepard grinned at the sight, but then found his own legs weren’t faring much better. Fuck, he had needed that. They probably both had.

“Mind if I join you?” he asked, suddenly unsure if Kaidan wanted any more company after this whole day.

“Do you have some clothes I can borrow?” Kaidan asked in reply, and Shepard took that as a yes.

He dug out a towel from the cupboard and threw it towards Kaidan before pulling his own from the towel rail. Kaidan caught it, and Shepard stood for a moment and took his fill of Kaidan’s body as the biotic ran the towel over his face and then started drying off the black mop of hair on his head. When Kaidan realized he was being watched he stalled mid movement and raised an eyebrow, and Shepard finally turned and went to look for some clothes.

Less than fifteen minutes later they sat opposite each other in the mess, barefoot and each in a t-shirt and a pair of Shepard’s sweat pants, as Shepard shoveled half of his steaming quick-cook meal from his plate onto Kaidan’s, on top of Kaidan’s own portion. And again, Kaidan just let him, clearly too hungry to refuse the offer. When Shepard leaned back and grabbed his own fork, he could feel one of Kaidan’s feet touching his underneath the table, and looked up in surprise.

Kaidan held his gaze, clear and open, as his other foot joined the first one, warm skin against warm skin as he entangled them with Shepard’s. Shepard could feel the shiver running through his body and a smile tugging at his mouth. Without taking his eyes off Kaidan, he shoved a forkful of food into his mouth and then tentatively stroke his foot over Kaidan’s. Kaidan smiled and lowered his eyes and then took to his own meal. They ate in silence, Kaidan with glazed eyes, seemingly still wandering in and out of the present, while Shepard just watched him again, picking his food at a slower pace so he wouldn’t finish too early, their feet linked together like fingers entwined.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gosh, took them long enough...


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Lemaire gets more than he bargained for...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Argh, I'm so sorry for taking so long between updates, this is what happens when the crazy radiologist (also known as my sister) turns up to visit and kidnaps me for a week... Well, she let me go again eventually, so here's the next chapter.

The thing was, Shepard had always thought he was a lot like Lemaire. Or rather, that if Lemaire had had the Alliance’s backing and a starship like the Normandy at his disposal when the First Contact War had broken out, maybe he would’ve been that war hero they had labelled Shepard as before he had died. Before Cerberus had changed him.

They were adamant that he was still the same person, but deep down he could feel that some things were different. For one, the knowledge of having missed two years of his life, coupled with months of running around under the Illusive Man’s command, had made him impatient. It had made him disregard the cost of his actions much more frequently in favor of simply getting the job done, as if someone had throttled his ability to care. He could tell he was slowly getting better, feeling more like his old self again, especially since he had left Cerberus. He also wondered how much of that had to do with Kaidan. Joker had been right when he had said that people wanted to behave themselves when Kaidan was around.

However, while Kaidan’s presence had given him a sense of calm, it seemed to have had the opposite effect on Lemaire. Shepard had always admired the admiral for his ability to think that small step ahead of everybody else, and however mad Lemaire’s plans sounded sometimes, they usually turned out to be good plans. But something had changed the admiral, too, because it wasn’t like Lemaire at all, to put people’s lives at risk the way he had done over the past few weeks.

Then again, Lemaire had also put his own neck on the line by bringing a Cerberus ship back to Sakura and giving them a hideout, and Shepard was thankful for that. Because if he hadn’t, Shepard wouldn’t have had the chance to meet Kaidan, certainly not in the way he had. Kaidan, who now sat on one of the chairs in the CIC, leaning forward, his mind seemingly still on another planet. Ashley, off all people, sat next to him, and when the gunnery chief reached out and carefully placed a hand on Kaidan’s arm, Shepard knew Kaidan was part of the crew.

Ashley’s gesture managed to extract a smile from Kaidan, and Shepard thought he could hear a quiet “I’m okay”, but was too far away from them to be sure. He was still none the wiser why the other man had taken Beau and not Rahna. He had wanted to ask him the night before, when Kaidan had insisted on washing off both their plates while Shepard had been watching him from his seat at the table. In the end, he hadn’t dared to, afraid to overstep the mark after the day they had had. He knew he would overstep it eventually, with all the emotions he was throwing at the man, but so far Kaidan had stayed with him, hadn’t call him out on it, hadn’t pulled back once.

And then he had forgotten about it when Kaidan had walked around the table with a smile, and the storm that had raged in the other man’s eyes all day had finally passed and been replaced with something warm and kind. He had bent down and cradled Shepard’s face, and had placed a soft kiss on Shepard’s lips that had made him forget for a moment where he was. “Thank you,” Kaidan had whispered when he had eventually pulled away, and then he had stepped back and disappeared towards his quarters.

“Liara and Lemaire are waiting for us in the maintenance bay again,” Joker called from the cockpit. “We’ll be there in five, Shepard.” It was night once more as they were nearing Orya, flying in stealth mode and under the cover of darkness.

Kaidan stood and met Shepard’s eyes for the first time since they had started their descent towards Sakura. “I’ll be in the med bay, Commander.”

“Aye.” Shepard only nodded and thought of Lemaire again. Maybe they were a lot alike in the way they did things, but there was one big difference between him and the admiral, and Shepard wowed to himself that for that one thing he never wanted to become like Lemaire. He would never want to send any of his crew into a battle, any battle, if he couldn’t be the one leading them at the front. And when he watched the elevator doors close behind Kaidan, he also knew that he wanted that man to be there when he did, hell, he wanted Kaidan next to him for a lot of things.

“Come on.” He straightened up and waved at Ashley. “Let’s go and say hello to Lemaire.”

A few minutes later, Liara was walking up the ramp to the shuttle bay. When Shepard saw that Lemaire was the only other person with her, he was reminded of the conversation he had had with Anderson in the privacy of the war room a few hours earlier. The holographic connection had been anything but ideal, and Anderson had made sure not to mention any names, but the message had been clear enough. Business was back to normal, and the Alliance was officially back on Sakura, and just like that they were back to moving around in the shadows. It wasn’t so bad for his crew, after all, they were used to it. But it also meant that Kaidan had to do so as well, and another thought had hit Shepard just as hard. Kaidan could leave.

“Glad to see no one’s come away with frostbite.” Lemaire was coming up the ramp behind Liara, and Shepard gave a quick salute as Ashley stepped up next to him and did the same.

“Is the transmitter intact?” Liara asked, eyes wide with excitement.

Shepard chuckled at her and nodded towards the back of the shuttle bay where Garrus was lifting a sturdy box from one of the storage lockers. “See for yourself.”

Her face lit up when Garrus started to remove the casing, and shortly after they were both immersed in conversation, checking over the parts and comparing them against the details on the datapad Liara had brought with her. Then she seemed remember herself and briefly looked up.

“Thank you, Shepard,” she said. “For everything.”

He wasn’t sure what everything included, but judging by the smile on her face he had done right by her, and it lifted his spirit.

“Where is Alenko?” Lemaire seemed to pick exactly that moment to realize that Kaidan wasn’t in the shuttle bay with them, and Shepard thought he could hear a hint of panic lacing the admiral’s voice.

And on a hunch that Kaidan had planned this, had known that Lemaire would ask about him, Shepard drew himself up. Maybe Kaidan wanted Lemaire to come and find him, maybe he wanted to show him the consequences of sending others into the line of fire.

“He’s in the medical bay,” Shepard said, not bothered with how smug he sounded. Perhaps it was time Lemaire saw with his own eyes what kind of grief all this had caused. “He’s expecting you.”

Lemaire narrowed his eyes at him and then something else flickered across the admiral’s face, something that Shepard couldn’t quite read, but before he could make sense of it, Lemaire had turned and was storming towards the elevator. Shepard and Ashley exchanged a baffled look and then quickly set off to follow him.

They caught up with him just before the doors slid shut behind them. No one spoke on the short ride up, and when Ashley gave Shepard another questioning look, he could only shrug his shoulders.

“Admiral, Major Alenko is fine,” Shepard said as the elevator doors opened again, just in case Lemaire had gotten the wrong end of the stick, but the other man was already out and practically jogging along the corridor. He only stopped once he was through the doors of the medical bay. The heartbreaking sound that came next made both Shepard and Ashley bolt to a halt.

None of them seemed to have expected the somber scene that presented itself in front of them. Someone had dimmed all the lights and switched on the privacy glass in the windows. Chakwas stood at the end of the medical bed they had moved Beau’s body onto, leaning against the desk behind her with her arms crossed, her eyes respectfully lowered to the ground. Beau’s body had been cleaned up. He was covered with a simple blanket, his hands folded on top of his chest, and Shepard suddenly realized that this wasn’t a telling off for Lemaire. This was a wake.

It was the sight of Kaidan, though, that made his insides turn over. Like the night before, Kaidan sat on a chair next to Beau, his elbows on his knees, staring at something beyond the dead body in front of him. Only this time, Shepard couldn’t just walk up to him and pull him out of it. This time he couldn’t do anything.

“No!” Lemaire suddenly moved, his voice no more than a spattering caw as he stumbled towards Beau. The brief glimmer of hope in his eyes was washed away instantly by the horror of reality when he touched Beau’s hand, then his face, then his hair, then his face again. The sob that followed sent a shiver through Shepard’s body as Lemaire doubled over on top of the dead man. Kaidan sat motionless through all of it, his fists clenched along with his jaw, his eyes glazed over and unfocused.

Next to Shepard, Ashley retreated, and when he looked over his shoulder, she was already half way towards the elevator, her head low and tilted towards the wall so no one could see her face.

Another sob made him turn back around, just as Lemaire dropped to the ground, Kaidan scrambling from his chair to catch him, trying to soften the fall. Lemaire clung to him, knuckles white against the dark fabric of Kaidan’s uniform, his face buried against Kaidan’s shoulder, as one sob after the other rocked through him. And Kaidan just held on, a heap on the floor, and Shepard saw the tear rolling down his cheek, and then another one, silent and unnoticed by anyone but Shepard and Chakwas.

The doctor finally moved as well, taking a deep breath before pushing herself away from the desk. She grabbed something from behind her and walked around the bed. She stopped next to Shepard, a pained look on her face as she met his eyes.

“Give these to the admiral, will you?” she said quietly. She took his hand and placed a set of dog tags in his palm and then used both her hands to closed Shepard’s fingers around them. “Jefferson is his mother’s name; his name is Beau Lemaire. He’s the admiral’s son.”

And with that she left him alone with Kaidan and Lemaire, and Beau’s dead body on the bed. And for the first time in his life, Shepard was at a loss for what to do. Even though he had lost his own fair share of friends, had mourned their deaths, had lost many of them in one day on Akuze, he didn’t think he could ever comprehend whatever Lemaire was going through. This was a son’s life, Lemaire’s own blood, lost before its time, and Shepard didn’t know if he had ever experienced that kind of pain.

And then there was Kaidan. Kaidan, who had known about Beau, and who had pushed back his own feelings because he had known that bringing back a son to his father was more important than taking back a lover lost a long time ago. Shepard ached for him as Kaidan was still holding up Lemaire, his eyes closed. As the sobs and shudders slowly ebbed out, the room grew quieter around them. Eventually Lemaire went still and all Shepard could hear was the admiral’s breathing against Kaidan’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” he heard him murmur. Kaidan opened his eyes as Lemaire pulled away from him and slowly got to his feet. He lifted himself off the ground and then just stood next to the admiral and watched as Lemaire reached out and gently stroke his thumb over Beau’s cheek. After a moment, Kaidan reached for the chair behind him and moved it closer to the bed.

Lemaire looked at him, then at the chair. A sad but thankful smile hushed across his face as he pulled the chair forward and sat down.

Kaidan squeezed the admiral’s shoulder once more and then made his way towards the door, his eyes glued to the floor. He only looked up when Shepard stopped him with a hand on his chest, and Shepard was hit with another wave of emotions. There was a mixture of pain and confusion as Kaidan’s eyes darted back and forth between his own, and Shepard quickly slid his hand upwards and around the back Kaidan’s neck, firmly holding on to him.

“Let me give these to the admiral and then I’ll come and see you,” he said as he raised the dog tags so Kaidan could see them. He didn’t want the other man to be alone after this, but he could tell that Kaidan was ready to bolt, to get away from Lemaire and Beau, maybe even from him. “Wait for me, okay?” Shepard almost pleaded. He shook Kaidan lightly to make him meet his eyes.

Kaidan held his gaze for a moment and then inclined his head, but didn’t say anything. Shepard let go of him and quickly walked over to Lemaire. The admiral sat with his elbows propped up on the bed, one of Beau’s lifeless hands between his own, pressing it against his forehead. When Shepard lay a hand on his shoulder he looked up, and Shepard held up the tags.

“Thank you, Commander,” Lemaire rasped, clearing his throat as he slowly reached for them. He stared at them for a moment before bringing them up against Beau’s fingers as he wrapped both his hands around them again.

Shepard nodded, unable to come up with a single word of condolence, as nothing he’d say would make the situation any better. Instead he turned to look for Kaidan, but was disappointed to find that the biotic had disappeared.

***

With a gentle tap the blinds covering the windows started moving. Kaidan watched the amber ribbons of sunlight thinning out as they slowly drifted along the wall towards the ground. He stopped them just before they disappeared somewhere between the grain of the wooden floorboards, not willing to shut out the light completely, and repositioned his omni-tool in the coffee table in front of him. Another tap and the recording began to play once more.

“Oh, goodness, Admiral Anderson.” His mother seemed truly surprised as she smiled into the video link, the familiar shapes of their kitchen at the orchard in the background.

“Mrs Alenko, I was hoping to speak to your son,” Anderson replied, amusement swinging in his voice, his face only visible in the small secondary frame in the top left corner of the screen.

“I’m afraid you’ve just missed him, the boys left about half an hour ago, to help with the harvest.” His mother waved at the open kitchen door behind her. “And I’m afraid it might be some time before they’ll be back, they’re trying to get as much in as they can while the weather lasts.”

Kaidan glanced at the time stamp as the conversation between Anderson and his mother went on. By now, he knew the words practically by heart, having watched the message about a dozen times already since Liara had popped in earlier and downloaded it onto his omni-tool. But every time he kept coming back to the date at the bottom of the screen. Seven days ago.

Seven days ago, he had been somewhere in the outer perimeter of Sakura’s atmosphere, with a stinking headache, trying to get from one end of the Normandy’s medical bay to the other without tripping over his own feet. He certainly had not been on Earth, shaking apples out of trees. But here he was, watching his mother make idle chit-chat with Anderson about the weather in BC. She was even promising the admiral she would remind Kaidan to call back as soon as he’d return from the orchard, as if he had actually been there.

The knock on the door startled him, and he stopped the recording and listened, not entirely convinced he hadn’t just imagined it.

“Kaidan, are you in?” The muffled voice coming from outside sounded a lot like Ashley.

He frowned as he pushed himself off the couch and made his way to the front door. When he pulled it open, he found Ashley standing on the porch, looking almost shy as she buried her hands in her pockets.

“Is this a bad time?” she asked.

“No, not at all.” He waved her in, and she gingerly followed him into the lounge and sat down on the couch next to him. He wasn’t surprised that someone came to visit him, but he had to admit that he hadn’t expected it to be Ashley.

“What brings you here?” he asked, while he moved his omni-tool to one side so he could give her his full attention.

She threw a quick glance at him and smiled awkwardly. Sitting right on the edge of the couch, she looked like she wasn’t really sure if she was supposed to be the one sitting next to him either.

“I wanted to see how you were doing,” she said and turned to face him straight on. “I kind of ran off last night, and then Shepard said you did, too.”

Kaidan gave her a small smile before looking back at his omni-tool where the image of his mother talking with her hands in the air was still frozen on pause. He tried to recall when he had last seen Ashley, he remembered talking to her in the CIC, but after that, time seemed to have stretched, and he didn’t necessarily trust his mind to recollect everything in the order it had actually happened. He had considered drowning it all in a bottle of whiskey, but his body had had other plans, knocking him out cold at the kitchen table before he had even had a chance to finish his first glass. He had dragged himself to bed at some point during the night, waking up fully clothed on top of the covers with a numbness in his head that he still hadn’t managed to shift hours later.

“Yeah.” He sighed and turned back towards Ashley. “I guess I needed some time alone, to clear my head.”

“Did it work?” she asked skeptically.

Kaidan didn’t reply for a moment, regarding her carefully. She held his gaze and there was nothing left of the old hostility as she met his scrutiny with open and honest eyes. She had been very different since Noveria, really making an effort with him, and he didn’t want to fob her off with some small-talk bullshit. She deserved better than that.

“I don’t know,” he said and squinted at the stripes of sunlight along the floor. The more he tried to collect his thoughts, the heavier and slower they seemed to get. “I still struggle to understand what happened in that lab, or what happened to Rahna. I wish I could’ve talked to her, to find out how she ended up like that. I know what Shepard said back there, but maybe we could’ve helped her, somehow.”

“There is nothing we could’ve done, believe me,” Ashley said with a sad smile.

Kaidan hung his head. Why did she have to sound so sure about that?

“Has Liara ever told you how her mother died?” Ashley said after a short pause.

Kaidan looked up at her. “Only that Shepard was involved, somehow.” He sat up straighter as something began to dawn on him. Liara had been unusually quiet when she had come by earlier, but he had thought she had just wanted to give him some space and not pressure him to talk about anything he didn’t want to.

“She was indoctrinated, too,” Ashley said, and Kaidan closed his eyes in despair as it finally clicked. “And she was an Asari matriarch, so much stronger than any human, and still they got to her. Liara did get a chance to speak to her before she died, and I wish I’d never heard what she said. I know that’s no consolation for what you’re going through, and I know how lame this sounds, but try to remember the person you knew, because what you saw in there was nothing more than a shell.”

Kaidan swallowed and looked away. Shepard had said something similar, and he knew that neither of them would butter this up just to make him feel better. But he also felt bad for Liara. He had been so caught up in his own sorrow and misfortune that he hadn’t even thought about asking if she was all right.

“I never knew,” he said quietly.

“Not many people do.” Ashley was staring at her hands, wringing them absentmindedly.

They sat in silence for a while, both lost in their own thoughts. Then Ashley glanced over at his omni-tool.

“Is that _your_ mom?” she asked, her mood brightening.

Kaidan rubbed his face and then picked up the omni-tool with a sigh. “Yes.” He chuckled half-heartedly, still not sure what to make of the whole thing with Anderson. “It was recorded seven days ago, and she talks as if I was back on Earth with her. I don’t know what Anderson and Lemaire did, but there are even pictures of me walking through the arrival terminal in Vancouver a couple of days after we left Feros. Apparently, it was just an unlucky coincidence that I was there at the same time Shepard turned up, and everyone seems to be convinced I had nothing to do with Voltrus’ disappearance.”

“They’ve managed to clear your name?” Ashley’s eyebrows shot up, and Kaidan thought she actually sounded pleased.

“And shift all the blame onto you guys in the process,” Kaidan grunted.

To his surprise, Ashley was still smiling. “I bet that was Shepard’s idea.”

“Apparently it was, but that doesn’t make it right.”

“He likes you, Kaidan.” Ashley smirked. “God, I haven’t heard him laugh as much as he has since you’ve come on board, not for a very long time. You’re good for him.”

He chuckled again but shook his head, something warm settling around his heart. It only added to his confusion, though. After everything that had happened, he had been given a free pass to go back to his old life, to walk away as if he had never been involved. Someone had even fabricated evidence for his apparent innocence, and others were willing to take the blame for him. The only problem was that, by now, he was involved, and he didn’t know if he could simply walk away. In reality he had no idea what to do.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When things are heating up...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is kissing in this chapter... and someone is getting punched... and, uhm, NSFW...

Kaidan ducked as James swung for him but wasn’t quick enough to deflect the punch that followed, Vega’s fist connecting hard with his side before it slid off. He winced as he twisted away, skipping and side-stepping to bring his defense back up while keeping his eyes fixed on the bulky man in front of him.

“Come on, Alenko!” Vega chuckled, clearly entertained by his sloppiness. “Something distracting you?”

Kaidan huffed, narrowly avoiding another left hook, using the opening to land a punch on Vega’s shoulder. James grunted and muttered something in Spanish, but didn’t waver, as quick and secure on his feet as ever. He hadn’t said anything when Kaidan had asked him for a sparring session, understanding implicitly that the other man needed a physical outlet rather than another person to talk to, and Kaidan was grateful for that. He didn’t know if he could handle Vega’s usual forwardness at this point anyway, fully aware that behind all the casual banter, Vega was hitting the target much more often than people expected, as competent with his words as he was with his bullets or fists.

Still, this whole thing didn’t bring the satisfaction or relief Kaidan had hoped for. He stepped away from their little dance, counting the scuff marks on the polished floor while he was trying to catch his breath. He was swaying but kept moving to ease the tension in his legs.

They had only turned on a couple of spotlights when they had found the empty training hall earlier, just enough to light up a makeshift sparring ring while the rest of the room around them remained in darkness. Shepard must have slipped in while they had been fighting, and Kaidan flinched when he looked up and met a pair of bright blue eyes, watching him from the shadows near the door. Caught off guard, he turned away quickly, pacing the edge of the light as if it was an invisible cage.

“Loco.” James nodded his acknowledgment towards Shepard, his hands behind his head, stretching his sternum to help with his breathing. He didn’t sound surprised, and Kaidan wondered how long Shepard had been standing there, leaning against the wall. And how long Vega had known that he was there.

“James.” Shepard’s voice was quieter than usual.

James drew in a long breath and then lowered his arms. He looked at Kaidan, raising a concerned eyebrow at him. Kaidan just nodded, and with that James picked up his water bottle and towel and made his way towards the door.

Shepard’s eyes didn’t leave Kaidan, not even when James passed him on his way out, the weight of Shepard’s stare doing nothing to slow down his breathing. Shepard had watched him like that before, from the other side of the bathroom of commander’s cabin on the Normandy, and the feeling it stirred inside him now was all the same.

He couldn’t stop moving, though, couldn’t bring himself to look at Shepard, even though he wanted to so badly, wanted to just cross the space between them and lose himself. But there might as well have been bars between them, and Kaidan was trapped on the inside while Shepard was out there, unreachable. The murderer, the Cerberus terrorist.

“Kaidan.” Shepard’s voice was rough, as if he had drunk too much the night before, and this time Kaidan stopped and their eyes locked. “Come here.”

Kaidan’s breath caught, and for a brief moment the spell was broken, and Shepard was only Shepard. And when he did close the distance, Shepard reach for him and kissed him with so much hunger Kaidan’s knees almost buckled, his emotions washing over him with such a force he had to pull away, stop before he would sink. He swallowed hard, pushing against Shepard’s shoulders as he stepped away and back into the confinement of the light again.

“What do you want from me?” It wasn’t what he had meant to ask, and when he saw the hurt flickered across Shepard’s face, he instantly regretted it. He knew what Shepard wanted.

“Come with me,” Shepard said, and although Kaidan thought that Shepard wanted that too, he didn’t think it was what the other man had intended to say, either. “Join me on the Normandy.”

“And how is that going to work?” Kaidan spat, unable to hold back his frustration. “If that’s what you want, why did you take the blame for Voltrus?”

“Because I didn’t want you to be forced into the same shitty situation that I am in,” Shepard snapped back at him. “Because I’m hoping you’ll come with me because you want to and not because you have to.”

“Are you even listening to yourself?” Kaidan stared at him, but then started pacing again. His heart was screaming at him to say yes, to go with Shepard and fight by his side, whatever the cost. But how could he? “We can’t just walk around and blow things up and pretend that nothing has ever happened. We’re Spectres, Shepard, we’re supposed to be examples of humanity. We can’t just live by one rule while we expect the rest of the galaxy to follow another.”

“You’re right,” Shepard said, his voice strained. “But we’re also human and not just some puppets everyone can use and abuse however they see fit.”

Kaidan stopped and looked at him, but Shepard quickly turned his head and closed his eyes, visibly pained by whatever was going through his mind. And Kaidan suddenly understood that Shepard felt as powerless and trapped as he did. In the great scheme of things, they were assets, valuable to whichever organization they were working for, but expendable in light of a greater goal. Even if Cerberus had considered Shepard important enough to bring him back from the dead, he had still been their tool, brought back only to serve the Illusive Man’s purpose, with little or no regard for the man behind the legend.

“John.”

Shepard’s eyes snapped open, and Kaidan could feel his own heart pounding against his ribcage. Still with his back against the wall, Shepard held out his hand, and when he spoke, his voice was soft and quiet. “Come back here, _please_?”

And Kaidan did, slowly walking towards the other man, letting Shepard take his hand and pull him close again.

“I want you,” Shepard groaned, and when Shepard’s breath brushed against his lips, Kaidan gave in. Shepard’s kisses were slow and lingering, but no less hungry than earlier, chasing after every touch before drawing it out, as if they had all the time in the world. Kaidan could feel Shepard’s hands on his back, pulling him in, the damp fabric of his shirt riding up against his skin as their bodies pressed against each other hard and hot, and for a moment he allowed himself to fall, and Shepard to catch him.

However, the moment was short-lived, as a noise coming from the corridor outside stopped them and harshly brought them back to reality. Kaidan felt dazed when he pulled back. He didn’t want to leave Shepard, but he knew he needed to clear his head, and being caught making out in the training hall certainly wouldn’t help the matter. He kissed Shepard once more and then met his eyes while resting a hand over Shepard’s heart. “I’ll think about it.”

***

Shepard stared at the empty circle of light before him, the fire of Kaidan’s kisses still burning on his lips, mingled with the salty taste of his sweat. He knew Kaidan wasn’t going to turn around and come back, and still there was that stupid, stubborn part of him that hoped he would. But when the echo of Kaidan’s footsteps grew more and more distant and eventually faded completely, Shepard sighed and let his head fall back against the wall.

His body was still humming from having another body pressed against it, discontented with the hasty end to their encounter. He wished they had been somewhere else, some place where they could have told the rest of the galaxy to get lost for a while and just be, just the two of them. The way Kaidan had kissed him back, he was sure the other man had felt the same. He closed his eyes, tapping his head against the wall behind him as he stifled a groan. Kaidan was right. Where else could they go from here?

He was so caught up in his thoughts that he startled when someone cleared his throat. He turned to find Lemaire leaning against the frame of the door, his arms firmly crossed in front of him, and going by the irritated frown on the admiral’s face, Shepard guessed he had seen them.

“Admiral,” Shepard said. He didn’t move, too tired and fed up to make an effort, especially if he was about to be judged.

“What’s going on, Shepard?” Lemaire pushed himself off the doorframe and walked into the hall, his voice a mixture of anger and surprise. “You and Kaidan?”

Shepard snorted and looked down at his feet. “Yes, Lemaire, Kaidan and I.” He could feel Lemaire’s eyes on him. For a few long seconds neither of them said anything.

“How?” Lemaire eventually asked.

“I don’t know, Admiral,” Shepard scoffed and pushed himself away from the wall, spreading his arms in a shrug as if the answer was somewhere hidden in the dark corners surrounding them. “Someone assigned him to my ship!”

“He’s a Spectre,” was all Lemaire said, and Shepard felt the word slap him in the face for a second time within the space of only a few minutes.

“Fuck, Lemaire, why did you come down here?” he spat. It was one thing to have that conversation with Kaidan, but another to have it thrown at him again by Lemaire.

“I was on my way to the shooting range,” Lemaire barked back at him. “I heard your voices, and I thought I’d stop by and see how you’re doing. I didn’t expect you to…”

When Lemaire didn’t finish his sentence, Shepard just huffed and clenched his jaw. “Yeah, we were.”

They just glared at each other, and Shepard was trying to figure out if the admiral was taking offence because of what they had been doing or because of who they had been doing it with. But then Lemaire hung his head, and the embarrassed look on his face seemed to say that he wasn’t sure himself.

“Why did you put him on my ship?” Shepard asked, quieter. Lemaire looked away but then narrowed his eyes and shook his head, as if he was surprised by his own thoughts.

“To be honest, I thought it’d do him good to get away from the Alliance and the Council for a while,” he said. An absent smile played on his lips, but he still didn’t look at Shepard. “Anderson was worried about his personal life, or the lack thereof, said that Kaidan kept pulling out of almost every social event and even skipped his shore leave. We thought it’d do him good to meet some likeminded people, maybe even someone he’d be interested in getting to know a bit closer.” At that he met Shepard’s gaze again, a provocative glint in his eye. “I didn’t expect that to be you, though.”

“But why the Normandy?” Shepard said, not taking Lemaire’s bait. “There are countless other starships out there, and most of them aren’t top-ranked on the most wanted list.”

“Because I also thought he could help us,” Lemaire said, an unmistakable change in his tone.

“And because you knew he would,” Shepard growled. If Lemaire wanted an argument, he could have one. “You knew he wouldn’t say no to you, because he thinks he owes you for shit, hell, he thinks he owes you his fucking life.”

“Damn right, he does,” Lemaire snarled and pushed into Shepard’s space, drawing himself up. “You didn’t see the fucked-up kid he was, you didn’t see the black eyes and bruises on him, or on the kids he gave them to. You didn’t see the smashed-up car or the look on his mother’s face when he overdosed in his parents’ bathroom, twice. To hell, he never would’ve joined the Alliance if it wasn’t for me, he probably wouldn’t even be alive!”

“That still doesn’t give you the right to push him around like that!” Shepard held his ground. He could feel the rage flaring through his scars, heating up his skin. Whatever Kaidan had done back then, he was already carrying the burden of it, probably more so than anybody else would. He didn’t need Lemaire to use it against him on top of that. “He’s not your son!”

Lemaire’s punch hit him so fast, he wasn’t sure what had happened for a moment. When he found his bearings, he noticed that he had stumbled back a few steps, and he could feel something warm trickling down his nose just as a dull ache began pulsing along his left cheekbone. Opposite him, Lemaire stood frozen to the spot, staring at him, his hands balled into fists.

And Shepard realized what he had just said. He didn’t know whether to curse for being such an inconsiderate asshole, or to congratulate himself for finally getting through to Lemaire. But then he felt pity for the man in front of him, the man he had once regarded as one of the smartest and fairest the Alliance had to offer. Lemaire hadn’t just lost Beau, he was also on the verge of losing Kaidan, and Shepard wasn’t sure if the admiral even recognized it was happening.

He felt blood making its way down his upper lip and quickly tipped his head, squinting over the back of his hand as he held it against his nose. “You better straighten out your head, Admiral,” he said, a clear warning in his voice. “You have no right to treat him like that.”

***

“Commander, you have a visitor.”

Shepard’s hand stalled in mid-air as he was reaching for the bottle of beer on the coffee table, the datapad with Anderson’s latest report on Cerberus on his lap. After his row with Lemaire, he had returned to the Normandy with a swollen nose and bloodstains on his clothes, only to discover that everyone except Joker and EDI had actually followed his orders and gotten off the ship to enjoy some solid ground under their feet and a proper bed for the night. He had patched himself up with some painkillers and a good dose of medi-gel, slightly annoyed when he had noticed the black eye he was developing, but grateful that no one had been around to see it. He would never hear the end of it, if Joker or Garrus ever found out who gave it to him.

“Who is it, EDI?” he asked as he grabbed his beer. He was about to take a swig, already past the point of caring about mixing alcohol with the medication he had taken, when EDI replied.

“Major Alenko, Commander. He’s already on his way up.”

He looked up towards the door, his view partially blocked by the model ship display, and for a split second he thought he maybe hadn’t heard right.

“Do you want me to let him in?” EDI asked.

“Uh… yeah… please,” he stammered as he set the bottle back down and pushed himself off the couch, almost stumbling when he caught his foot on the corner of the table. He had hoped Kaidan would turn up eventually, but he hadn’t thought it would happen so soon. He was half way up the steps when the cabin doors opened, revealing a startled looking Kaidan, his hand raised as if he had been about to knock.

“Hey.” Shepard couldn’t help but smile as he walked up the rest of the stairs. “Come in.”

Kaidan dropped his hand and stepped in, dressed in a pair of fatigues and a hoody. “I… uh…” he broke off and his eyes widened when he saw Shepard’s face, “…what happened to your eye?”

“Lemaire.” Shepard smirked, and the other man’s eyes grew even wider.

“Shit, what did he do?” Kaidan just stared at him. But then he took another step forward and gently cupped Shepard’s face with both hands, and Shepard could feel Kaidan’s thumb brushing over the skin just underneath the bruising, as the other man carefully tilted his head to get a better look at his eye.

Shepard chuckled softly and covered Kaidan’s hands with his own, turning his head to catch Kaidan’s eyes. “I’m ok,” he said. “It was nothing.”

“You call that nothing?” Kaidan was frowning at him.

“It’s not important, not right now,” Shepard whispered, moving a step closer, willing him to let it go. Kaidan just held his gaze. But then his eyes fluttered and landed on Shepard’s mouth, and when he felt Kaidan’s thumb stroking over his bottom lip, he knew the man hadn’t just come to talk. His lips parted with the tender pull of Kaidan’s touch, and Shepard leaned forward and caught Kaidan’s mouth with his own.

Kaidan shuddered, sending a ripple of hot and cold through Shepard’s body in return, as an almost inaudible whine escaped between them. Shepard didn’t know who was driving whom as he ran his hands down Kaidan’s sides and underneath his shirt while Kaidan wrapped his arms around his shoulders. Kaidan’s tongue was determinedly asking for more, and his breath hitched when Shepard scraped his fingernails teasingly down his spine, leaving them both breathless, chests heaving heavily against each other.

Kaidan moaned, and Shepard thought his brain was about to short-circuit when he was pushed backwards, Kaidan steering him carefully down the steps and towards the bed. They only broke from each other to pull their shirts over their heads, and their trousers and briefs off, and then Kaidan was on top of him, pushing a leg between his thighs and his body into the sheets, Shepard’s erection trapped between them, pressing hard against Kaidan’s stomach.

Kaidan shifted and pushed both legs between Shepard’s, spreading his knees before grinding down. His lips never left Shepard’s, hot air and broken sounds between them as Shepard ran his hands up over Kaidan’s back and pulled him closer. Kaidan ground down harder and Shepard gasped when Kaidan’s shaft slid between his cheeks as he pulled back and pushed down again.

He suddenly felt the need to move fast, pushing himself further up the bed while blindly reaching for the nightstand, searching for the drawer. Kaidan followed him, scattering kisses along the inside of his thighs and over the ripple of his stomach, across his chest and against his neck. When Shepard finally found the small bottle, he chucked it onto the bed, and grinned at the breathless sound of approval ghosting against his ear. They moved quickly after that, as if they both had to get there before either of them changed his mind. And then Kaidan pressed into him and everything around them stopped.

They lay still for a long moment, eyes closed, foreheads leaning against each other’s, hard breaths on each other’s lips, Kaidan hard inside him, Shepard hard between them. And then Kaidan kissed him again and moved, without any rush, his knees either side of Shepard’s ass, Shepard’s legs wrapped around him.

They started off slowly, all urgency gone, replaced by warmth and a different kind of want. It was about feeling the other, every inch of skin and muscle, kissing each other, lips lingering and tongues tasting, breathing the same air and feeling the rhythm between them, gentle and deep, only lovers for once and nothing else.

Kaidan was strong but gentle, slowly pulling out and pushing back in deeper with every thrust. He bent down and hooked his arms under Shepard’s shoulders for more leverage, and Shepard groaned as his own erection caught between them again, overpowered by the sensation of Kaidan inside him, on top of him, with him.

He could hear his own breathing grow heavier all of a sudden, as his release began to build like a wildfire, and Kaidan must have felt it. Their movements sped up, and then stuttered, and then Shepard gasped in a silent cry and came, clenching hard around Kaidan, pulling the other man over the edge with him, fingers desperately clawing into his back. With one last thrust, Kaidan buried himself to the hilt and came inside him, and the world in front of his eyes went white.

Kaidan propped himself up on his elbows, but Shepard held on to him as the rush of pleasure gradually ebbed away, the steady thud of Kaidan’s heartbeat against his own calming his senses. He could feel the heat of Kaidan’s breath against his skin where Kaidan had buried is head against his neck. He shivered when Kaidan licked his lips and pressed a kiss to the old scar that ran over his collarbone, before nipping it gently with his teeth. But then Kaidan’s arms began to shake under the strain, and Shepard grunted his disapproval as Kaidan rolled off him.

Kaidan chuckled and shifted closer again, wrapping himself around Shepard’s side, one arm resting over his chest as he traced playful fingertips along the underside of Shepard’s jaw.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Shepard breathed into Kaidan’s hair, his eyes heavy with exhaustion. He could feel Kaidan’s smile against his skin.

“Me too,” Kaidan mumbled groggily, before mouthing another lazy kiss against his shoulder, making Shepard grin in return. Whichever way Kaidan would decide in the future, he was here right now, with him, and Shepard would take that, even if it was all he was going to get. They stayed like that for a long time, calming down together, slowly falling asleep together.

When Shepard woke again, the cabin lay dark around them. He could feel the heat of another body against his back, and the memory of what they had done earlier sent another jolt of arousal into his groin. He also remembered pulling Kaidan into the shower for a quick clean up that had turned into another heated round of kissing and touching against the shower wall, before they eventually managed to dry off and climb under the covers.

They were no longer _under_ the covers, the sheets now tangled around their legs. Instead Kaidan had wrapped himself around him again, his arm around Shepard’s waist and a hand curled up against his chest. He must have sensed that Shepard was awake, as he stirred, tightening his grip around Shepard and pulling him even closer. Hot air tingled against his spine as Kaidan let out a contented breath as he relaxed again. He shifted and touched his forehead against the back of Shepard’s neck, and Shepard closed his eyes again and leaned into the touch, the steady rise and fall of his own breathing following Kaidan’s as they slowly drifted back to sleep.

He didn’t know how long it had been when Kaidan shifted again. The hand on his chest withdrew, fingertips brushing over his hip, stopping at the curve of his ass, and a sleepy moan escaped him when Kaidan’s thumb drew small circles over his skin, making him shiver. And then Kaidan placed a kiss between his shoulder blades, long and gentle, almost like an apology, lips and a hint of tongue again, the same way he had kissed the scar on his collarbone earlier, and somehow Shepard knew what was coming next.

The mattress hardly dipped when Kaidan silently climbed off the bed. And Shepard let him, forcing himself to keep his eyes shut while Kaidan tiptoed across the room. He could feel his heartbeat quickening when Kaidan quietly slipped on his clothes. There was a moment of absolute silence and Shepard pictured Kaidan standing in the dark, at the end of the bed, the glow of the fish tank behind him, allowing himself one last glance at him.

When Kaidan finally moved again, Shepard thought he felt it more than he heard it, and a moment later Kaidan was gone, and Shepard was alone again, his heart pounding painfully inside his chest, the warmth of the sheets where Kaidan had lain only a few minutes ago slowly fading.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't hate me...


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Shepard gets a message... and Kaidan finally talks...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for the longer stints between updates, I had written most of the story up until the last chapter but hadn't made up my mind as to what to do with the ending yet. Which I have now, but it means that it's taking me a bit longer to fill in or rewrite the gaps that were still missing. I'm not sure about the exact number of chapters, but I recon there will be another four, maybe five, to come, and I'm hoping it won't be more than two weeks max between updates. :) And I'm not one for heartbreaking endings, so I promise no one is going to die. ;)

“I have to admit, I didn’t expect to find you with a black eye when Lemaire said you had an argument,” Liara said as she walked into his cabin.

“Where is he?” Shepard asked, ignoring her comment. He sat at the bottom of his bed, still in his sweat pants. He hadn’t slept much after Kaidan had disappeared, hopeful in his belief that what they had shared had been real, and that Kaidan had felt the same and wouldn’t just up and leave. But Kaidan hadn’t come back, and with every passing hour, hope had turned into dread, and dread had turned into hurt and disappointment.

“Who?” Liara asked, and Shepard cocked his head at the Asari’s confused expression.

“Kaidan.”

Liara stopped at the top of the stairs and pinned him with a stare. He saw a flicker of realization hush over her face, as if something had just come to make sense to her, and her whole demeanor changed. “He left two hours ago,” she said as she made her way down the steps to sit on the corner of the couch. “He’s on his way back to Earth.”

“Oh, you fucking bastard, Kaidan!” Shepard groaned and buried his head in his hands, roughly scraping his fingers over his scalp until it burned. Why couldn’t that man just stay for once, to give them at least a chance to talk, a chance to figure out where they both stood? Why did he have to blow so hot and cold all the time?

“He was here, wasn’t he?” Liara said, more a statement than a question, and when Shepard looked up at her, her eyes were trained on the unmade bed behind him.

He glanced over his shoulder at the pillows Kaidan had shoved against the nightstand and the rumpled sheets Shepard couldn’t bring himself to straighten out just yet, in what was, he now realized, a pathetic attempt to hold onto that small reminder of who had lain between them with him the night before.

“Don’t give up on him, Shepard,” Liara said, and from the tone in her voice, Shepard guessed that she was as disappointed with Kaidan as he was.

Which wasn’t much of a consolation, and he snorted a laugh as he turned back towards her. “I don’t know, Liara. He keeps running out on me, maybe I’m just too dense to get the hint.”

“He likes you,” Liara interjected quickly. “Give him a chance. He’s never had a serious relationship in his life, I think he’s just scared.”

Shepard chuckled bitterly. He didn’t know how. In his mind, he had done everything he could to make sure Kaidan knew how he felt, had given him time and space when he had needed it, had told him what he wanted. He had even taken a punch for him. What else could he do if Kaidan just kept running?

Liara held his gaze, and even though the smile on her lips was sad, it was also reassuring, and he could tell that she believed what she was saying.

He sighed and nodded, but wasn’t sure if he was promising her something or accepting defeat. “You didn’t come here to talk about Kaidan, did you?” he asked, trying to lock away the turmoil of emotions. Kaidan was gone and there was nothing he could do about it right now.

“I received an anonymous data file transmission this morning, with some very concerning information,” Liara explained. “It includes video footage from inside a disabled Collector cruiser, I’ve already sent the files to EDI.” The corner of her mouth quirked upwards as she looked him up and down. “You might want to get dressed for this.”

“I am analyzing the data at the moment, Commander,” EDI’s voice came through the intercom. “If you care to put on some clothes, I’d be more than happy to share the findings with you in the war room.”

“Not now, EDI, I’m not in the mood,” he grunted at the AI but noticed that Liara was still smirking at him. He scowled at her and waved his hand dismissively towards the door. “Come on, get out! I don’t need an audience to put on my pants. I’ll meet you there in five minutes.”

Liara chuckled and pushed herself up from the couch. She briefly stopped again at the top of the stairs and turned back towards him.

“I know you might not believe me right now, but I’ve known Kaidan long enough to know when something has gotten to him, and you have,” she said, a genuine smile on her face. “He likes you, Shepard. A lot.”

He watched the door slide shut behind her before heaving himself up to jump in the shower. He wished he had her confidence.

When he stepped into the war room only a few minutes later, the video footage was already playing on a virtual screen above the center console.

“Where did this come from?” Shepard stepped next to Liara and watched as someone was slowly walking through a maze of tunnels, the image waving from side to side as the person wearing the headcam was keeping an eye on their surroundings. It looked like they were somewhere underground rather than inside a Collector ship, and he had to avert his eyes from time to time, the unsteady motion of the feed making him lightheaded.

“Is that a Collector?” Liara asked as she bent forward and tapped the screen, zooming in on where the camera had come to focus on a pod similar to the ones they had seen when the Collectors had attacked Horizon. Its lid had been peeled back, but inside wasn’t a human but the insect-like form of a Collector.

“Yes, Doctor T’Soni,” EDI confirmed. “Although the data that was downloaded from the terminal that pod was connected to suggests that it was already dead at the time of the recording.”

“What the hell were they doing?” Shepard frowned at the display.

“It looks like some kind of genetic experimentation,” EDI said as the image of the dead Collector was replaced with the three-dimensional hologram of a helix-shaped DNA string. “I found this quad-strand genetic structure in the test results collected from this subject. The only other race known to have this particular genetic structure are the Protheans.”

Shepard’s head spun around to look at Liara, to find the Asari was staring back at him, wide-eyed. “Are you telling us that Collector is actually a Prothean?”

“Not anymore, Commander. Its genetic code has been excessively rewritten. However, my analysis suggests that this Collector possibly descends from a Prothean colony in the Synx Theta cluster.”

Next to him Liara actually shuddered, and Shepard thought his body would just follow suit as EDI’s words began to sink in.

“The Reapers didn’t wipe them out,” Liara whispered, voicing what he was thinking. “They turned them into a new species and reprogrammed them for their own purpose.”

“Whoever did the datamining on that mission also ran an analysis on the actual vessel, Commander.” EDI seamlessly changed the subject. “I’ve compared its EM signature against everything I could find on record. This is the same Collector ship we encountered on Horizon, and the same ship that attacked you two years ago.”

Shepard froze and tried to swallow as the cold memory of suffocating darkness and endless weightlessness hit him without warning. He could feel his body grow taut and his hands curl into fists while heat surged through his cybernetics and nerve endings, threatening to take over before his mind had a chance to catch up. He was looking at the ship that had killed him.

Shepard exhaled in relief when the hologram disappeared and the video stream from inside the ship continued, cutting the memory short before it could turn into something more serious. In front of him, the image was jerking up and down as whoever was wearing the camera was jogging down a ramp, the walls and ceilings surrounding them covered in some form of cellular material that made it look like the inside of hive rather than a space vessel.

A second person appeared in front of the camera, charging ahead. Their dark uniform was non-descript, with no sign of any organizational identification anywhere, neither could he tell what type of weapon they were carrying. He could hear panting breaths through the microphone of someone’s helmet, but so far no one had spoken. Then the movement steadied as the two approached what looked like a huge cave, and Shepard gaped at what he saw.

As the camera bearer slowed down to a halt and looked up towards the ceiling of the cave, thousands, if not millions of pods came into view, attached to almost every surface of the seemingly infinite hall in front of them. Far too many were emanating the faint amber glow that indicated a human body inside, but even more of them were just gray and empty, waiting to be filled. His chest tightened at the thought that this could’ve been their fate, too, if they hadn’t succeeded on Horizon. That this might become humanities fate if they couldn’t stop the Collectors.

Suddenly someone spoke.

“Fuck me,” a female voice growled and the camera swung around to bring the second person into view as she stood with her head tipped back, glaring through her visor at the distant ceiling above her. “There won’t be any humans left to fuck with if they fill all these. They’d even have a few spare beds to throw some fucking Turians into the mix.”

Shepard raised an eyebrow. He had met a fair share of tough women in his life, but he had never heard a female soldier that swore as if it was her mother tongue.

“Shepard needs to see this,” another female voice came from the person wearing the headcam, and his eyes grew wide in surprise. He knew that voice.

But before his brain managed to form any sensible thought to follow up that information, a third voice cut in, male this time, broken and scattered by static, but still clear enough to be recognizable.

“Miranda, you really need to get out of there! Now! Cerberus are on their way.”

“Understood, Jacob,” Miranda said and then waved her hand at the other woman. “Come on, Jack. Let’s move.”

***

Kaidan lifted his arm to cover his eyes as the shuttle hovered off the ground and rose over the treetops, filling the air with the smell of eezo and swirling up a cloud of dust as it departed with a low hum. He waved at the pilot, a well-spoken Salarian who had been his only company for the last thirty-six hours, and then watched until the bright purple and orange spacecraft disappeared between the clouds.

When he had called Liara in the middle of the night and told her he needed to see his parents, she hadn’t asked many questions. He hadn’t mentioned Shepard, knowing all too well that if she had known why he had wanted to leave so suddenly, she would have tried to talk to him, and he wouldn’t have been able to explain himself. Instead he had boarded the small private shuttle that came with Liara’s assurance of being extremely professional and discrete, and had left with everything unsaid.

And he had paid for it every quiet minute since. He could picture the disappointment in Liara’s eyes once she discovered where he had been during his last night on Sakura, and he was sure that by now she had found out. He didn’t want to picture Shepard’s reaction. He knew he had done the wrong thing as soon as he had closed his eyes for the first time, only to find that the memory of what they had done during that night was still firmly hanging on, robbing him of any chance to get some sleep, a cruel and, at the same time, hauntingly pleasurable reminder of what he was leaving behind.

He took the sore muscles from sitting in the same position for too long and the dull headache smoldering behind his eyes as his deserved punishment, as he slowly made his way towards his parents’ house, his bag thrown over his shoulder and his eyes glued to the ground. He didn’t look up until he heard the decade-old screech of the screen door and met his mother’s eyes with a tired smile. She wordlessly stepped out onto the porch and opened her arms, and he walked up the stairs and right into her embrace.

“It’s so good to see you,” she said as she pulled away and looked up at him. She had this ability to make him feel safe with only a simple smile, the warmth of it wrapping around his heart like a cocoon, offering him a place of peace whatever the circumstances, a promise that she would always love him, no matter what. It was her eyes, though, that told him what was going on behind that smile, and right now they looked worried, flickering back and forth between his own. And still, the smile didn’t falter as a warm hand cupped his cheek. “What’s going on, kiddo?”

He grabbed her hand and placed a tender kiss to her palm before pressing it back against the side of his face. “I’m sorry you got dragged into this, Mom.”

“You didn’t drag us into anything, son,” she said and tugged at his arm as she reached for the screen door behind her. “All I did was have a chat with Admiral Anderson when Liara sent us this message that you needed a little help.”

Kaidan felt hesitant when he followed her into the house, dropping his bag at the bottom of the stairs. He was relieved that Liara hadn’t told them much, and that his parents had trusted her enough to go ahead with what she had asked them to do. However, at some point, he would have to tell them something, and the thought that they might not like what he had to say weighed heavily on his mind.

“Are you hungry?” his mother asked as she walked into the kitchen. “Your dad will be back for dinner soon, but if you want something before then, I can make you some sandwiches.”

“When am I ever not hungry?” Kaidan grinned and squeezed her shoulder as he passed her on his way to the fridge, pulling the door open to see what he could steal, the familiarity of the old house easing away some of his tension. “But unless you’ve decided to rearrange the kitchen for the first time in twenty years, I think I will find the bread and the turkey.”

She stepped next to him with a laugh and he could feel her hand on his back, soothingly rubbing up and down his spine like she had done so many times before when she had thought he needed it. She reached past him into the open fridge and grabbed a bottle of beer, pushing it into his hand with a wink.

“Doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to spoil you while you’re here.” She gently pushed him out of the way. “Go and sit down, kiddo, and let your old mother look after you for two minutes.”

“You’re not that old, Mom.” He laughed, but let her maneuver him towards the kitchen table where he sank onto the worn-out wooden bench with an exaggerated sigh.

“Old enough to know when my only son needs a little TLC.”

He watched her with fondness as she prepared the sandwiches for him, the conversation never going beyond easy small talk, even though he was itching to tell her about Orya and Liara’s beacon, about Feros and the snow-covered mountains on Noveria. But talking about those places would also mean he would have to tell her about Rahna and Beau, and about Shepard. He had never been the most talkative person when it came to matters of the heart, mulling them over in his head until the feelings either faded or became clear enough to put them into words, and at the moment he still had no words to articulate everything that had happened.

And his parents trusted him enough to not push the issue, which amazed him every time it happened, considering what he had put them through when he was younger. They let him be, let him tag along his father and the pickers during the day, to spend hours on end between the silent and comforting rows of apple trees. They let him putter around the house in the evening, let him fix the old intercom between the kitchen and the Cider barn, or rummage through his father’s library for anything he could take out onto the veranda to read while the day was slowly fading into night.

They had heard about Beau, heard that he had been killed in action, and probably knew that Kaidan had been involved somehow. They were also aware of the apparent mix-up on Feros, and yet, for the first few days neither of them said anything, leaving him to his own thoughts and accepting that he simply needed time.

It was on the third day when his time of brooding was eventually brought to an end. They had been blessed with a few untypically warm late summer days, and Kaidan was wiping the sweat off his forehead, an almost filled-up picking bag hanging heavy around his neck. Next to him his father grunted as he lifted his own bag over the edge of one of the harvest crates and carefully emptied it on top of the crop they had already collected during the morning.

“Son, I think your time is up,” his dad suddenly said, and Kaidan looked over at him and then followed his gaze towards the house in the distance. He knew what he was talking about as soon as he recognized the small figure of his mother coming along the path between the fields, carrying a picnic basket.

“Guys, take a break,” his father hollered across the field they were currently picking, and by the time his mother had reached them, most of the other pickers had followed his father’s orders and were on their way to the storage barn where his mother kept a couple of old sofas and a fridge with cold drinks and some food.

“Hey, I’ve brought some food,” his mother beamed and gingerly waved the basket she was carrying in one hand while trying not to spill the lemonade from the jug she was holding with the other. ‘I’ve come to talk,’ is what she should have said, but Kaidan only smiled obediently and followed her to the old willow tree at the corner of the field, quickly turning over a few of the smaller crates so they could use them as table and chairs.

They all knew what she was up to, but still kept up the pretense of a happy family lunch while they sat down in the shade and made a start at the sandwiches and pies his mother had packed, talking about the neighbors’ dog and its arthritic leg, his cousin’s wedding that Kaidan had missed, and the trip to the market that they had planned for the next day. Kaidan had already wolfed down two sandwiches and a pie when they eventually ran out of things to say.

He filled up their glasses once more and then leaned forward onto his elbows and glared at his drink, idly running his fingertips through the cool drops of condensation on the outside of the glass. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see his mother throwing an occasional glance in his direction, while his dad had sat down on a crate right next to the tree and was happily leaning against its trunk, his legs stretched out and crossed at the ankles. For a moment, the silence felt comfortable between them, but Kaidan knew it wouldn’t last much longer. He took another swig of his lemonade, steeling himself. He might as well start this off.

“I’ve met someone,” he said quietly.

“Oh.” His mother let out a surprised breath. “Don’t tell me you finally went on a date with Isla O’Donnell?” He could hear the sudden excitement in her voice.

Kaidan wasn’t sure if she would still sound so excited when she found out that it wasn’t Isla he was talking about. “His name is John.”

“Oh…” his mother said, and when Kaidan looked up at her, she appeared thoroughly confused. Behind him, his father chuckled almost inaudibly while Kaidan watched his mother’s expression go from a disconcerted frown to a blank look of incomprehension. But then she finally seemed to catch on and a broad smile spread across her face. “Oh!”

Kaidan’s smile was cautious as he lowered his eyes again. It wasn’t very often he managed to surprise either of his parents, so seeing his mother lost for words for a moment was precious. It didn’t take her long to find her voice again, though.

“So, what’s the problem?” she chirped. His father still hadn’t said anything.

“His name is John _Shepard_ ,” Kaidan said and quickly took another long sip from his drink so he wouldn’t have to look at either of them. The seconds crawled by, grating at his confidence, as he waited for them to put two and two together and figure out who exactly John Shepard was. He was almost ready to get up and end the whole charade, thinking he wouldn’t even get a reaction, when his father pushed away from the tree and leaned forward.

“Is that what you’re running away from?” he asked.

“I’m not run…” Kaidan said but was cut off by the pointed eyebrow his father was raising at him. He had expected his parents to be disappointed, but to his surprise, all he found, as his father’s gaze was locked on him, was curiosity and a plea for honesty.

He huffed and blinked against the light streaming through the treetop above them. He was such a jerk. Throughout his entire life, his parents had never shown him anything but love and trust, had never judged him for any of his actions, had never not forgiven him, whatever pain he had put them through. And all he had done over the past few days was treating them as if they had. They deserved better than that from him. They deserved the truth, or at least as much of it as he could give them without getting them into trouble.

“Ever since I joined up, all I wanted was to do the right thing and be the best person I could be,” he said. “I wouldn’t have become a major if the Alliance didn’t think I was capable of doing that, I wouldn’t be a Spectre if people didn’t think they could trust me to make good decisions and have everybody’s best interest at heart. They believe he’s a traitor. How _can_ they trust me, if they think I might be conspiring with him, with someone who, in their eyes, is working for the enemy?”

“Do _you_ trust _him_?” his father asked.

“Yes!” Kaidan said without missing a beat.

“Convince them that they can trust him, too, then.”

“How, Dad?” Kaidan frowned at him. “I am only one person.”

“You’ve got Anderson,” his mother said as she pushed herself up from her crate and started gathering the leftovers back into her basket. “And Liara.” She stopped beside him and ran her hand through his hair, ruffling it, and he let her. “I’m going to leave you boys to it, I need to get those pies ready for tomorrow.”

And while they helped her stow everything away between ‘thank yous’ and ‘eat ups’, Kaidan marveled at his parents. He knew telling them about Shepard would also tell them that there was some truth to the rumors, yet they had listened, willing to understand and support him.

“You want to tell me what all that business about Feros and the missing Spectre is about?” his father asked once his mother was out of earshot.

“Voltrus is dead,” Kaidan said and looked back at him, but again there was no sign of judgement. “He was following us. Please don’t ask me why, the less you know the better. We were almost back on Sakura when there was an accident onshore and a shockwave. It was big and it almost got us, too, and I…” He hesitated, unsure if it was fair to worry his parents with the fact that he had been injured. On the other hand, he would’ve wanted to know if the roles had been reversed. “I… let’s just say I spent too many days in the medical bay after that. You might not want to tell Mom.”

His father regarded him for a long moment before he spoke again. “I won’t.”

“Shepard is a good person, Dad.” Kaidan suddenly felt the need to make sure his father understood that this wasn’t Shepard’s fault. “He stood up for me and then took the blame for the whole thing so people wouldn’t think badly of me.”

“He sounds like a decent human being to me,” his father said as if he had never thought any differently. “He must be, if you like him.”

Kaidan smiled at that, and didn’t miss the flutter in his stomach that seemed to turn up every time he thought about the time he had spent with Shepard. His mind hijacked the thought, racing through the events of the last few weeks until it came to a stop at what Shepard had asked him in the training hall. ‘Come with me.’ Kaidan had been so close to saying yes.

“It scares me, Dad,” he said.

His father smiled and leaned back against the tree again. “Falling in love sometimes does that.”

Kaidan drew a deep breath and held it as his father’s words poked at his innermost defenses. Around him rows of apple trees were sloping up and down across the land, but when he closed his eyes, Shepard was there with him in an instance, and despite the afternoon heat, he shivered. He hung his head and raked his fingers through his hair, scraping them over his scalp until it burned. “I’m such an idiot.”

His father chuckled. “You’re not.”

“I just ran out on him.”

“I’m sure that’s fixable,” his father said. “Most things are. Speaking of, Charles called this morning. I think you should talk to him.”

Kaidan huffed and shook his head. “I really don’t know if I can right now.” He hadn’t seen or spoken to Lemaire since he had left him with Beau in the medical bay. He had seen a message in his private inbox, but had left it unopened.

“Kaidan, he just lost his son,” his father said, and although his words were reprehensive, his tone was not.

“I know, Dad, I was there.” He could feel his father’s eyes on him, but when there was no further comment, Kaidan sighed. “I know, I’m sorry. He just pushed a few too many buttons with me lately, and I’m not sure I want to forgive him just yet.”

His father nodded. “I understand that, son. Just remember, whatever buttons Lemaire pushes, it’s up to you how you act on it. The same is true for whatever you feel for Shepard. You alone are the master of your fate, it’s your life. And like you said, you didn’t become a Spectre because you didn’t know how to make good decisions. You just need to trust yourself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to everyone who has come along to read this, left kudos and comments, etc., it's all very much appreciated. Love you all. :)


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Shepard finds Miranda... and meets Jack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is a bit of a plot chapter, and I've used some of the games timeline and content and put my own spin on it. Hope you enjoy.

“I thought this thing was dead,” Shepard said, leaning over the back of Joker’s chair, peering through the window at the giant wreck in front of them. Only a moment ago they had been tossed around by the mother of all turbulences, and he had been clinging onto whatever he could get his hands on. But then something had sucked them out of the storm and into a vacant calmness, and all of a sudden it seemed as if nothing had ever disturbed this last resting place of the Reaper.

“I believe it is, Commander.” EDI turned her head to look at him, a habit she had only adopted recently after Joker had put it into her head that her human-like form might make some people uncomfortable, which had prompted her to do some research on human etiquette. “However, its core is still active, and we have just passed inside its mass effect field.”

“Encouraging,” Joker mumbled as he steered the Normandy alongside one of the Reaper’s lifeless talons.

“Any sign of Miranda?” Shepard asked.

EDI turned back towards her display and tapped on one of the screens. “I’m picking up movements from various life-forms inside the Reaper, but I’m unable to detect if those life-forms are human or not. There is a shuttle inside the Cerberus research station that emanates traces of heat, but there are no other signs of life on that station.”

“You think it’s a trap?” Joker lifted his cap to scratch his head.

“Only one way to find out. We’re going in.” Shepard straightened and turned towards the bridge where Garrus and Ashley had thrown themselves into the nearest chairs when their travels had turned rough. Both were already fully suited up. “Are you guys ready?”

“Ready,” Ashley said and pushed herself up while Garrus tightened the grip around his gun and stood with a silent nod.

“Good.” Shepard pulled his own gun from his back and made his way past them towards the airlock. “Let’s go and see what Miss Lawson is up to.”

Just over two days had passed since Kaidan had left. Two days since Shepard had been watching the video from the Collector ship with Liara. They had still been in the war room when EDI had received another message from Miranda, from an unnamed account and heavily encrypted.

 _Shepard, I’m on the run so I will keep this short_ , her message had started off, missing any kind of formality, as if it had been typed in a hurry. _I’m assuming you received the files I sent to Dr T’Soni. If EDI studies the travel logs of the Collector ship, she will find a set of coordinates that keep creeping up over and over. It’s the coordinates for the Collector Base. We weren’t able to find the Collector’s IFF while we were on board the ship, but there is a derelict Reaper Cerberus found some time ago, and I believe its IFF is still intact. I’m sending you the coordinates with this message. Meet me there as soon as you can. Miranda_

When EDI had put the coordinates for the Collector Base into her system it had brought up a location just beyond the Omega 4 Relay, and Liara and Shepard had just stared at the amber glowing hologram of the relay for a few minutes as the understanding of what Miranda was suggesting had sunk in.

“Do you think it would work?” Shepard had asked eventually. There had always been speculations that the Collector Base was located beyond the Omega 4 Relay, but nothing had ever been confirmed. For good reason.

“It makes sense,” Liara had replied. “The Collectors are the only race known to be able to navigate the Omega 4 Relay in both directions, and their ships always transmit Reaper IFF signatures. I would think installing such an IFF on the Normandy could possibly allow you to travel through the relay and return.”

Shepard hadn’t been surprised that Liara had no intentions to join them if he decided to go on this mission, and he couldn’t blame her. Many other ships had tried to pass through the relay before, and none of them had ever returned. He wasn’t too keen on the thought of taking the Normandy through it either, but he didn’t think they really had a choice. If they wanted to defeat the Collectors they had to find their base, and this was the best lead they had had so far.

It didn’t take Joker long to get them to the Cerberus research station that was attached to the side of the main hulk of the Reaper. Once inside, they found an eerily abandoned labyrinth of corridors, labs, and storage rooms, a few forgotten data pads and the consistently flashing alarm signals on the disabled door locks the only signs that someone had actually walked between the sleek metal walls of the station not so long ago.

“Where is everybody,” Ashley whispered, as if she was afraid that someone was listening.

“The station’s shuttle bay is ahead and to your right, Commander,” EDI’s voice came through the comm link. “There is an airlock that should give you access to the bulk of the Reaper.”

A set of doors on their right hissed open, but as the interior of the shuttle bay revealed itself in front of them, Shepard hesitated in his step. The bay was big enough to house two shuttles, one of them clearly belonging to Cerberus, the black and orange logo plastered all over it. It wasn’t the latest model, with a fair share of wear and tear. However, compared to the pile of crap it stood next to, it looked almost pristine.

“Someone here seemed to have had a death wish,” Garrus grunted as he stepped closer to the second shuttle, the paint on its exterior practically burned down to the metal. A deep scratch along its side was just short of penetrating through the wall, while a pattern of unhealthy looking cracks spread across one of the windows. It also must have hit something pretty hard, going by the missing headlights and the huge dent near the front. Garrus mandibles twitched when he placed a hand near the shuttle’s thrusters. “Someone flew this thing recently.”

“Miranda?” Ashley asked. She had followed Garrus and was shadowing her eyes with her hands as she peered through the darkened glass of the window.

“If she has, at least we know she made it here,” Shepard said, turning away from the battered spaceship to look for the airlock EDI had mentioned. He waved at them when he spotted it at the far end of the room. “Guys, let’s move.”

Garrus readied his gun and followed him, but Ashley had started prodding the door of the shuttle, trying to open it. Again, the door of the airlock simply slid open as Shepard approached it, and he stepped inside, closely followed by Garrus.

“Come on, Ash–“ Suddenly the floor underneath their feet shook, and Shepard had just enough time to spin around to see the door snap shut behind him as something pulsed through the room, making his skin tingle. He swayed and quickly steadied himself against the wall.

“EDI, what just happened?”

“Shepard, are you all right?” It was Ashley’s voice that came through the comm link instead.

“The Reaper just activated its kinetic barrier,” EDI replied to his initial question. “Lieutenant Williams won’t be able to get through. Neither will we.”

“So we’re trapped,” Shepard said, more to himself than anybody else. He threw a glance at Garrus, who had his gun firmly pointed towards the other end of the airlock. “Looks like it’s only the two of us, Vakarian. Let’s see if we can take down the barrier generators from in here.”

Garrus shrugged without lowering his gun, but Shepard could see his mandibles pull up into a smirk. “You just have to shoot twice as hard.”

Shepard scoffed and touched his earpiece. “Any suggestions as to where the barriers are powered from, EDI?”

“The only remaining power source is the Reaper’s mass effect core,” EDI replied. “Just be aware that destroying the core will also deactivate the mass effect field that is maintaining the Reaper’s altitude.”

“And Joker will have to fly just that little bit faster to catch us when we fall,” Garrus grunted. “How very romantic.”

Shepard chuckled at Garrus’ comment, but addressed his pilot instead. “Joker, go and pick up Ashley from the shuttle bay and then be ready. We might need your master flying skills to get us out of here after all.”

Before Joker had a chance to reply, EDI cut in. “Shepard, you will have company in–“

“Right about now,” Garrus barked, but the thunder of his gun was already swallowing his voice as a group of Husks and Abominations emerged at the other end of the airlock. Shepard pulled up his gun, quickly taking out one of the creatures as it was running towards them, only to find that as soon as one was down another one turned up to take its place. There was nothing to provide cover within the confines of the airlock, so all they could do was keep on firing, the sounds of gun shots echoing around them.

“Damn it, how many more?” Garrus growled and took out another Abomination that came swaying long-limbed and red-eyed around the corner, and just as if someone higher up had heard him, the muttering howls subsided as the last one splattered against the wall.

They waited in silence for a few moments, guns aimed towards the end of the airlock, listening for anything else that might be coming their way. When nothing else showed up, they cautiously made their way forward.

“EDI, any idea where we’re going?” Shepard asked as they descended deeper into the Reaper. Around them the walls and ceilings looked very similar to the inside of the Collector ship they had seen on the video, be it without the alien hives and Collector pods. Only here Cerberus had clearly tried to take over, building a whole skeleton of gangways and ramps through the Reaper’s intestines, the sleek structure of metal and pipework a stark contrast to the dark and rugged surfaces surrounding it.

“Aim for the core,” EDI replied through the comm link, her voice broken by the bad connection. “I am picking up a lot of activity in its proximity, if Miranda is on board the Reaper, I believe that’s where you will find her. I’ve sent you the coordinates. I’ve also marked you on my system so we will be able to track you.”

“Make sure you don’t lose us, EDI.” Garrus was panting next to him as they jogged down a set of stairs that led them onto a lower level. “We haven’t come this far against the Reapers to be killed by a dead one.”

“We will do our best, Garrus Vakarian,” EDI said, and Shepard chuckled at the hint of sarcasm in her voice while Garrus clicked his tongue. She was learning fast.

After that they didn’t talk much as they made it along the network of gangways towards the location EDI had sent them. Stacks of crates and storage tanks lined the walkways and platforms, Cerberus’ logo loud and clear on almost all of them, and most of them labeled for explosive. They found the corpse of one of the Cerberus scientists next to an abandon research station, and then a few more behind a console, but not a single living soul crossed their path, neither human nor synthetic.

The Reaper seemed truly lifeless and for a short moment Shepard thought of Kaidan, and he wondered if the other man would’ve come with them if Miranda’s message had arrived only a day earlier. Maybe the prospect of going after the Collectors directly rather than running around the galaxy for Lemaire would’ve changed his mind.

“You’re close to the core, Commander,” EDI’s voice brought him back to the task at hand. “Be prepared.”

With their weapons drawn, they approached the doorway ahead of them, the faint gurgle of Husks nearby filtering through the closed door. Shepard only tapped the door and then had just enough time to jump out of the way before emptying his magazine into the two Husks they were greeted with. They only managed to get a few steps into the hall before the next swarm of Husks and Abominations was on them.

Cerberus had been here, too, and for once Shepard was thankful as he fired at one of the hazardous tanks, sending a whole bunch of creatures flying through the air. An almost angry thought crossed his mind, that they could really do with a biotic right now, and why did Kaidan have to fuck off so quickly? He was caught by surprise when one of the Husks jumped him, cold fingers closing around his throat. At the same time a sharp pain sparked down his side as something punched through his armor. Another shot rang out and the pressure around his neck loosened, and then disappeared as the Husk dropped to the ground.

“Damn it, Shepard, stop thinking about Alenko and start shooting,” Garrus hissed at him. Shepard didn’t get a chance to come up with a snarky remark as they were back fighting off more enemies. They managed to find cover behind a console at the side of the room, their backs to the wall, while the creatures just kept on coming.

At least they had found the core. The Reaper’s power source hung at the end of the hall, curtains of pipes and cables leading away from it, the electric crackle ringing through the air as it opened and closed like a blinking blue eye. Cerberus had kitted out the room with a large platform to get closer to it, which was now swamped by Husks and Abominations, and something else, much bigger than just one creature, one of its limbs looking much more like a weapon than an arm, a bulge of veiny mass on its back, as if it was carrying its intestines inside out.

“What is that?” Garrus asked at the same time as Shepard shouted, “Get down!”

They scrambled behind the console as a shockwave washed over them, the smell of eezo sharply biting into the back of Shepard’s nose. He didn’t wait to find out what the hell that thing was, quickly heaving himself up and firing at the Husks that had come too close during the last attack.

“Shepard, over here,” a voice suddenly cut through the room, and Shepard risked a quick glance over his shoulder to see Miranda standing in the open doorway of an airlock not too far from them. Next to her a small person in almost no armor but plenty of tattoos looked like she was readying herself for a strike, the blue haze of her biotics flaring around her hands. A moment later she sent out a barrier and Shepard felt the vibration in his bones as it passed through his body.

“Come on, let’s go,” he yelled at Garrus, and not even a second later they piled into the airlock and the doors hissed shut behind them, muffling the chaos outside into a distant murmur.

Shepard sucked in a sharp breath, immediately feeling for the damage on his armor, trying to release some medi-gel to the stinging wound underneath it. He grimaced as the gel spread cold across his skin.

“Miranda.” He peered at Miranda and huffed when he noticed the poor state her armor was in. “Is that the new camouflage? What happened to your good old Cerberus uniform?”

“I burned it,” the second woman deadpanned without taking her eyes off the door.

Behind him Garrus chuckled, but Shepard only raised an eyebrow at Miranda and was surprised when all he got in return was a shrug of her shoulder and a weak twitch of her lips.

“She did,” Miranda said and nodded towards the other woman. “Shepard, this is Jack. Jack, Commander Shepard, and that helpful Turian over there is Garrus Vakarian.”

“It’s nice to see you, too, Miranda,” Garrus grumbled.

“So, did you ditch the Illusive Man or did Cerberus throw you out?” Shepard asked, still slightly short of breath.

Miranda laid a hand on Jack’s shoulder to make her lower her gun away from the door, obviously satisfied that it was safe enough to leave that task to Garrus. “Neither. Or maybe both. After you disappeared he still sent us to Purgatory.”

“To collect Subject Zero?” Shepard asked. They had already been on their way to Purgatory when he had decided to take a little detour to Omega at the last minute.

“Jack will do just fine, asshole,” the tattooed woman growled.

Shepard narrowed his eyes at her. “You are Subject Zero?”

“Expected something else?” she snapped.

“Uh, no… yes… maybe…” He didn’t know what he had expected. At the time, the Illusive Man’s had only told him that he had heard about this powerful human biotic he thought would be a worthwhile addition to Shepard’s team, and that he had negotiated their release.

“You need a demonstration?”

“No,” Miranda cut in, her voice level and calm. “He doesn’t.”

Shepard frowned. This wasn’t the Miranda he was used to, who got irritated when someone got too cocky for her liking, or argumentative when someone dared to speak up against Cerberus.

“What happened?” he asked, well aware that outside the doors hordes of Husks and Abominations were still gearing up to have them for their dinner.

“He sold us out,” Miranda said. “They pretended to bring Jack out of cryo, but then the guards turned on us. Found out the hard way that being the Cerberus scientist who brought Commander Shepard back from the dead comes with a nice price tag. They were obviously hoping to get you, but apparently, I’m also worth a credit or two.”

Shepard regarded her for a moment as she glanced over at Jack as if she was trying to recall exactly what had happened. Her whole attitude seemed to have changed, her old edginess having made room for a new, and he had to admit, decidedly refreshing, bluntness. It suited her much better than that shiny piece of armor she used to wear.

“We managed to get out,” Miranda continued. “They clearly hadn’t counted on Jack making it out of cryo, and thanks to the chaos she caused it took Cerberus a few days to figure out that we had escaped. Enough time to hack into their system and stumble over the information on the Collector ship. I’m glad you got my message, and that you got here in time.”

“You came in that burned-up shuttle in the shuttle bay?” Garrus asked from the door, glancing at her over his shoulder. “Did you crash it into a rock before you got here?”

Jack snorted a laugh. “She fucking tried. Didn’t quite manage to kill us, though.”

Miranda threw her a warning look and Jack bared her teeth at her in a sneer, but neither gesture bore any real heat, and Shepard wondered how much of Jack’s bite was real or just for show.

“Where is Jacob?” he asked, remembering that he had heard the other biotic’s voice on the video link.

“We had to split up,” Miranda sighed, sounding not too pleased about it. “He was trying to throw Cerberus off our tail, so we could get this before they did.” She reached into the side pocket of her armor and pulled out what looked like a small data disc, about half the size of a standard datapad. “If we give this to EDI she should be able to install it on the Normandy.”

When she held the IFF out towards Shepard, he took it, carefully turning it in his hands. Like the keystone for the beacon, it looked inconspicuous, just another data disc, nothing giving away the power this little piece of technology had. Or the damage it could possibly cause.

He narrowed his eyes at Miranda and held the IFF up between them. “How do I know you’re not trying to trick me here, Miranda? How do I know it wasn’t the Illusive Man who sent you?”

A sharp pain shot through his side and he almost dropped the IFF when Jack suddenly pushed the barrel of her gun against his armor, close to where the Husk had ripped through it.

“Listen to me, Commander fucking Shepard,” she hissed and skillfully adjusted her gun when he grabbed the barrel and tried to squirm away from it. “If you had seen the Cerberus entourage that tried to shoot us out of the fucking sky when we left the damn Collector ship, or the holes they put into our fucking shuttle, you wouldn’t ask stupid questions like that! And I can assure you, I wouldn’t be with her if she was working for those motherfuckers, they’ve messed around enough with my life, never in a million years will I ever work for them.”

“I understand your suspicion, Shepard,” Miranda said next to them, gesturing for Jack to lower her gun, but the biotic kept her eyes fixed on Shepard and didn’t budge. “All I can give you is my word that I am not trying to deceive you, that what Jack is saying is true. I’m done with Cerberus, but I cannot be done with the Collectors and I believe you aren’t either, otherwise you wouldn’t have come here. And if you let me, I will do everything I can to help you, and I’m hoping, getting you this,” she pointed at the IFF, “and the information on the Collector Base is good enough for a first peace offering.”

He studied Miranda for a moment while pushing Jack’s gun away from his side, and this time she removed it and took a step back, as if to give him space to think. Miranda didn’t look like she was working for Cerberus anymore, in that worn out armor she was wearing, neither did he think they would ever let her fly around in a piece of crap like the shuttle in the research station. She talked as if she had had a change of heart, and there was something in his gut that told Shepard she wasn’t making it up.

A loud bang against the outside wall of the airlock broke his thoughts and Jack was back next to Garrus, her gun aimed at the door again.

“Okay,” he said and handed the IFF back to Miranda, who gave him a small smile of relief. “For now you’re coming with us, and we need to get out of here.” He touched his earpiece and glanced towards the opposite end of the airlock. “EDI, we’ve found Miranda and Jack, and we have the IFF. Any chance of getting us out from where we are right now?”

“We’re right outside the airlock, Shepard,” Joker’s voice came through the comm link first.

“You still need to deactivate the kinetic barrier, Commander,” EDI said.

“Understood.” He turned back towards the front of the room, where Miranda had joined the others with her gun drawn, the IFF safely tucked away in her pocket again. “Right, let’s shut that damn core down. How good is your aim?” The last question was directed at Jack.

Jack raised an eyebrow at him and then turned and pointed her gun straight at his face, as if he had literally asked her if she could actually hold a gun.

“Stop pointing your fucking gun at me, you take offence too easily,” he snarled at her and pushed the barrel away again. “I meant throwing things, not shooting. I’ve got Garrus for that.”

Behind her both Garrus and Miranda smirked, but Shepard kept his eyes sternly trained on Jack as she stared back at him. Then her features softened almost inconceivably and she nodded and turned back towards the doors.

“Good,” he said and followed her. “Pick something that blows up big. Garrus, make sure you hit it all right.”

Garrus snorted and expertly changed a few settings on his gun. “Oh, don’t worry, I will hit it all right. You just make sure you don’t suddenly daydream about Alenko again, _Commander_.”

Miranda threw them a quizzical look and Jack actually laughed. “Fuck me, Princess. I don’t know how you managed to find friends like that, but I like the helpful Turian. Come on, let’s blow up some shit.” And with that she punched the lock on the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to admit, I really love Legion in the games and I was gutted that I couldn't include him in this, but I just couldn't get it to work. :( Hence, sorry for no Legion... and for a chapter without Kaidan, but he will be back in the next one, I promise. Can't go without him for too long. ;)


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Shepard makes a confession...

Kaidan had never stayed long. In a way, stepping back from his life as a soldier had always been unsettling, as if he couldn’t function without the framework of the Alliance giving him purpose. It hadn’t come as a surprise that he hadn’t even lasted a week before his mind had pulled him away again, out into space and back to the stars and his life amongst them.

He usually knew it was time to move on when he started dreaming again at night; when his body finally relaxed enough to slip into a normal sleep pattern, allowing his subconscious to start scratching at the walls around the memories of his past, eager to dig up the old demons and finally deal with them. Only this time the feeling was coupled with an inner disquiet and urgency that he hadn’t known before; he wasn’t just avoiding things. This time there was something out there he had to do, something he had to set straight.

His parents hadn’t tried to stop him, hadn’t asked him to stay just that little bit longer. They never did, even though he could see the worry in their eyes whenever he stepped off that porch in BC. They knew what it meant to be a soldier, knew that there was always a chance that it could be the last time they saw their son board that shuttle back to Vancouver. And still they had let him go, as always, with only words of encouragement and a few simple requests, to call more often, and not to let it be another year before they would see him again.

“It sounds like you had a good time with your parents,” Liara said as she sat down on one of the benches under the trees, the Presidium bustling around them in that oddly quiet way it always did. When she had called him the day before, he had been equally pleased and apprehensive to hear that she was on her way to the Citadel, too, only to find that nothing had changed between them when she had popped into his office earlier with the big smile on her face, to pick him up for lunch. Her expression was slightly more subdued now, as she waited for him while he was setting up all his open food boxes between them.

“Lemaire asked me to give you this,” she said once he had settled, handing him a small white envelope.

Kaidan briefly met her eyes before sheepishly reaching for the envelope. He was steeling himself for her lecture, wondering if she had spared him until now for his own benefit, to give him a chance to bring up what happened on Sakura on his own account. And he wanted to, but Lemaire was not the one he wanted to talk about, and the fact that Liara had agreed to deliver the letter in person annoyed him. It was her way of telling him what she thought of his stubbornness, and he suddenly wished she had thrown a tirade of accusations at him instead. It would have stung much less. He turned the envelope between his hands a few times before carefully folding it in half and pushing it into his pocket.

“How is he?” he asked and continued with his meal.

“Read it,” Liara said, and he could hear the exasperation in her voice. “I’m sure it will tell you.”

“I’m asking you!” He looked up and determinedly fixed his eyes on her.

Liara held his gaze for a moment but then sighed and leaned against the back of the bench, and just like that the tension between them slid away. “He’s okay. He went back to Earth, too, for Beau’s funeral, but I’m sure you know that. I think seeing Beau’s mother was tough on him. She still blames him, for all of it.”

Kaidan looked away. Liara was right, he knew all that. He hadn’t read any of Lemaire’s messages, but he also hadn’t been the only one in his family to receive them, and his father had had no reason not to open the ones that had arrived through the Alenko family account. And even though Kaidan had tried hard not to listen, his father had told him anyway.

He wanted to change the topic, wanted to ask about Shepard and where he was right now, because that was what he really wanted to know. But the guilty feeling for running out after their night in Shepard’s cabin got the better of him, and he quickly swallowed his questions back down.

“Have you managed to fit that transmitter to the beacon?” he asked instead, and when he looked at Liara again, she smiled at him with sad eyes. She knew what he had meant to ask, but again she didn’t push him.

“We have,” she said, and although her face was one of pity, he could hear she was excited. “We managed to activate the beacon, and the amount of data we got from the core drives is incredible, Kaidan.” She was practically glowing.

“Did you find out what it was built for?” he asked with a smile, somehow infected by her enthusiasm.

“Yes, yes, we did,” she went on, but then her expression sobered. “However, I’m not sure you’ll like it.”

“Lemaire was right then.” Kaidan took a guess. “It’s a weapon.”

“Yes, amongst other things. It was mainly used as a shield for the planet and its inhabitants. There is a reason why Sakura is such an unknown quantity, why Lemaire has kept it all under wraps for so many years. We think it was one of the Protheans’ most advanced colonies when the Reapers first appeared.”

Kaidan frowned at her. “I thought there was nothing there when the Alliance first found it?”

“There wasn’t much left,” Liara said, and he already knew he wouldn’t like what was coming next. “They fired the beacon. It must have kept the Reapers away, but it also wiped out anything else on the planet.”

Kaidan suspected that Lemaire had known more about that than he had let on, but didn’t get a chance to voice his concern as their conversation was interrupted when someone jogged past them, the unexpected motion distracting them both. A second later Kaidan’s omni-tool vibrated, accompanied by the sound he had set up for messages sent with priority. He raised an eyebrow and set down the container of food he had just picked up and called up his inbox.

His eyes grew wide. “What the…?”

“What is it?”

He could feel Liara staring at him as he was trying to make sense of what he was reading. “It’s Anderson. He says Shepard is here.”

“On the Citadel?” Liara shoved herself to the edge of her seat.

“He… he’s handing himself over to the Council,” Kaidan said, and his voice sounded distance, even in his own head, as if he was talking to himself from the other side of a glass wall. He was supposed to meet the admiral in an hour.

“How? Where?”

He suddenly couldn’t get to his feet fast enough. “He’s with Anderson, they’re on their way to the Tower to see the Council. Apparently, the Normandy came through the relay about an hour ago, asking for Anderson to meet them at the docking bay, and then Shepard handed himself in.” He gathered up all the food containers, dumping them, still half full, in the nearest bin, before setting off towards the elevator that ran to the Citadel Tower. There was no way in hell he could stomach another bite.

“Where are you going?” Liara followed him, her breath catching as she was trying to keep up with him.

“I need to see him,” Kaidan said as they reached the elevator where a few other people were already waiting. Overhearing snippets of the murmured conversations that were going on around them, he realized that word had already gotten out.

“Now?” Liara whispered as she grabbed his arm and forced him look at her. “And do what, talk to him? Don’t you think you should’ve done that a week ago?”

“Yes, I should’ve,” he hissed back at her, quickly glancing around to make sure he hadn’t been too loud. “But I didn’t, okay?”

He was saved when the elevator doors opened and they shuffled inside, together with a few humans, a Salarian and another Asari. They just stood in silence until the doors opened again, and Kaidan felt his heart thumping against the back of his throat as they stepped out into the crowd that had already formed on the steps leading up to the tower, and for a moment, he hesitated. This wasn’t how he had imagined seeing Shepard again.

“This way,” Liara said, leading him along the side of the plaza where it was less busy.

A flash of red caught Kaidan’s attention, and then there he was. The red stripe on the dark N7 armor stood out like a trail of blood amongst the crowd of civilians, Council security, and press that surrounded Shepard and Anderson, and suddenly it became much harder for Kaidan to follow Liara, even though they were skirting around the edge of the crowd. Eventually Liara grabbed his sleeve and maneuvered him up the stairs, and Kaidan was desperately trying not to fall over his own feet while he kept glancing at the two men stoically making their way through the masses. A small group of soldiers was clearing a path for them while Shepard’s face remained stern, almost impassive, his eyes focused on nothing but the general direction he was being guided in.

A feeling of dread washed over Kaidan as the crowd grew louder and then a storm of questions rolled across the plaza. Shouts of ‘Commander Shepard’, ‘traitor’ and even a ‘Cerberus swine’ cut through the air. He winced at the insults, and flinched at the press photographers’ flashlights, but didn’t take his eyes of Shepard and was only stopped in his own pursuit when the throng of onlookers in front of them became too dense.

“What is he doing?” he asked, his voice breaking. He turned towards Liara as if she knew the answer.

“I’m sure we’re going to find out soon enough,” she said and gently squeezed his arm, her tone steady and reassuring. “He’s with Anderson after all, I’m sure the admiral will keep you informed.”

“But why now, Liara? Why here?” He looked back towards the tower. He could still feel his heart beating hard against his chest as they watched Shepard follow Anderson and a guard into the glass cubicle of the elevator. And then Shepard turned and looked straight at Kaidan, as if he had known all along where he was.

He held Kaidan’s gaze across the space between them before his eyes fluttered shut for the briefest of moments. As the elevator began to rise, he tilted his head in an almost imperceptible nod, and Kaidan swallowed hard. He didn’t look away until the elevator disappeared behind the façade of the tower, and even then, he kept staring at the empty elevator shaft it had left behind.

Around them the crowd thinned instantly. Most of the soldiers disappeared towards the transport link, while the Council security personnel was shooing the mob of press away from the building, before taking up their usual positions around the plaza again.

“What do you think happened?” Kaidan asked Liara without looking at her.

“I don’t know,” she said quietly. “Last I heard was that he was preparing to ship out to the Omega 4 Relay.”

“What?” Kaidan spun around as his breath left him. “That’d be certain suicide.”

“Incidentally, that’s what Joker calls it.” Liara was still staring at the tower above them. “Suicide mission.”

“Why would they want to go there?”

Liara finally turned to look at him. “To destroy the Collector Base. He boarded a dead Reaper while you were on Earth, and took its IFF to install it on the Normandy.” She let out a sigh and then gently tugged at the sleeve of his uniform again. “Come on, let’s go. You don’t want people to start asking why Spectre Alenko keeps staring after Commander Shepard, do you?”

***

As soon as they returned to Kaidan’s office, Liara transferred a whole bunch of files she had received from someone called Miranda Lawson to him. He listened with growing concern as she told him that Miranda used to be part of Shepard’s Cerberus crew, and when she went on to say that Shepard had taken her, together with an ex-prisoner from Purgatory, back on board after his trip to the dead Reaper, his disgust must have been written all over his face.

“Kaidan, he knows what he’s doing.” Liara scowled at him. “You might not like how he’s doing it, but at least his doing something.”

He kept the defensive remark that was about to burst out to himself, knowing that he could only blame his own indecisiveness for his frustration. He had to get a grip of himself, because if he let his own feelings about Cerberus cloud his believe in Shepard, he was no better than the rest of them. Still, the whole situation had wound him up more than he had thought, and in fear he would take it out on his friend, he decided to bite his tongue and say nothing.

Liara watched him from the other side of his desk, as if she was waiting for the outburst. When she realized that he wasn’t going to talk, she sighed and tapped the display of her omni-tool a few times. A second later, his own omni-tool vibrated against his arm.

“I’ve just sent you my notes on Sakura and the beacon as well,” she said. “You’ve got a lot of reading to do, maybe that will distract you for a bit. I’m going to go back to my apartment, I’m sure someone will let me know when there are any news.”

Her irritation was unmistakable. She turned to leave, and although she should have gotten angry with him much earlier, it still hit him hard when she finally did, and he felt an instant urge to apologize, or thank her, for putting up with him for so long. She was already through the door when he called after her. She stopped and turned around once more.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly.

“I know,” she said, and her eyes softened. “But I’m not the one you need to apologize to.” And with that she was gone.

Kaidan fell back into his chair with a groan and stared blankly at the collection of datapads in front of him. One of them contained all his own notes on the last few weeks, the ones he had planned to share with Anderson before Shepard had turned up out of the blue. Only now he had no idea what to tell the admiral.

For a long time, he just sat there while his thoughts ran away with him, from Shepard walking through the corpse of a Reaper, to all the possible offenses the Council or the Alliance could charge him with, to the horrifying prospect of Shepard attempting to go through the Omega 4 Relay. He eventually picked up a datapad and transferred the files Liara had sent him, but found that he wasn’t able to focus on anything. Nothing stuck. He kept stealing glances at his omni-tool, desperate for any news from Anderson, anxiously praying that the Council would listened to whatever Shepard had to say, and let him go free again after. He knew the latter was wishful thinking, but he was still hoping.

It was dark outside when his patience finally ran out. He threw his datapad across the desk and then cursed as it slid over the edge, the display cracking as it clattered to the floor. He ignored the broken datapad in favor of activating his omni-tool, dialing Anderson’s number as he got up and rushed out of his office. It didn’t take long before the admiral answered.

“Major,” Anderson’s voice come through the connection.

“Where is he?” Kaidan growled as he was storming along the corridor.

“In detention. Alenko, Udina put him there for his own good, don’t you go and do–”

Anderson’s words were cut short when Kaidan simply hung up on him. The Presidium was quiet around this time of the night cycle, only the Keepers and a few stragglers roaming the walkways. Kaidan took the elevator back to the Citadel Tower and once he stepped out onto the plaza, he headed for one of the side door to the basement, where the Council held anybody they didn’t want to hand over to C-Sec.

He hurried down the stairs, taking two steps at a time, and then used his Spectre codes to open the set of high-security doors, his frustration growing with every new one he came across. He pushed the last one open so hard it almost ricocheted back at him and stepped into a brightly lit corridor lined with detention room after detention room, all triple walled and sound proof.

To his surprise, there were no guards in front of any of them. He made his way along the corridor, stopping at every door to open the security hatch and have a look inside. There was a heavily tattooed merc in one room, and a Salarian in another, but no Shepard. His anger finally boiled over when a young guard stepped out of the doorway that led down to the catacombs.

The man looked almost terrified when Kaidan approached, as if he was expecting a fight, but then straightened up and stood to attention when he recognized him. “Spectre.”

“I’m here to speak to the commander.”

“We have orders from Admiral Anderson not to let anyone through,” the guard said.

“I’m here on Spectre business,” Kaidan snapped, completely unashamed of the lie. At this point he didn’t care any longer. 

“Let him through,” came a voice from behind him, and when Kaidan turned he spotted Anderson, standing near the same door he had just come through only a minute earlier. The guard in front of him nodded and then stepped aside.

Kaidan didn’t bother to thank him as he pushed past him and stomped down the stairs. “They put him into a fucking cell!” he muttered, louder than he had intended, and then he was stopped again at the bottom of the stairs by another fresh-faced soldier and – James Vega.

“Sir, you can’t come in here.” The young soldier drew himself up in front of him. He didn’t look older than eighteen.

Kaidan felt his jaw clench, along with his fists, just as Vega stepped up to the soldier and placed a hand on his shoulder. “It’s okay,” he said and met Kaidan’s eyes, the corner of his mouth twitching with a smirk. “He’s here on Spectre business.”

The young soldier looked at Kaidan, worryingly, and then at Vega, before reluctantly stepping aside.

“Good to see you, Alenko,” Vega said, his smile morphing into a knowing grin. He nodded over his shoulder towards the block of cells behind him. “Last one on the left.”

“Thanks,” Kaidan mumbled, squeezing Vega’s arm to make sure the other man knew how grateful he was that he was here, before making his way towards the cells at the end.

“John.”

It was more a breath than a word when he finally got there. Behind the bars the cell was clean but bare, cold concrete walls with an uncomfortable looking bed on one side, and a toilet and a sink on the other, the smell of bleach hanging heavily in the air. Shepard was sitting on edge of the bed, bent forward, his elbows resting on his knees. When he saw Kaidan, he quickly rose to his feet, but only took a of tentative step forward before he stopped again.

“Kaidan.” He sounded surprised and relieved at the same time. “What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same.” Kaidan ground his teeth and grabbed the bars with both hands. A low rumble of voices drifter over from the entrance where Anderson had appeared at the bottom of the stairs, but the words were spoken too quietly and too far away to make out what was being said.

“I wanted to see you,” Shepard said, but stayed where he was, just out of range if Kaidan wanted to reach through the bars and touch him.

“That’s barely a valid reason,” Kaidan huffed, but was hit with a wave of emotions as he saw the hurt flicker across Shepard’s face. “What the hell, John? And what’s this about the Omega 4 Relay? Are you out of your mind?”

“We think that’s where the Collector Base is,” Shepard growled back at him, obviously not impressed by Kaidan’s tone. “You’ve seen what they can do. You of all people should know that we need to go and try to put an end to this.”

An image of Rahna flashed before Kaidan eyes.

“Major, is there a problem?” Anderson called from the end of the corridor, and Kaidan turned his head to look at him, only to find that James had positioned himself in front of Anderson, keeping the admiral from coming any closer with a firm hand on his shoulder. Anderson looked outright stunned, but when Vega didn’t budge, he grudgingly took a step back.  

“Why are you here?” Kaidan turned back towards Shepard, asking quieter this time.

“I just told you why.” Shepard’s voice was low, but he still sounded hurt.

“But why now? Here?” He spread his arms to emphasize his words. “Why the Citadel?”

“Because if we want to have any chance of beating the Collectors, or the Reapers for that matter, we will need everyone we can get on our side,” Shepard said as he took another step towards Kaidan. A smirk appeared on his face. “And if that means I have to come here and drag you onto my ship myself, then so be it.”

“This is not the time for jokes, Shepard,” Kaidan said, fixing him with a glare.

The smirk turned into a sad smile, and Shepard’s eyes dropped to his feet. And all Kaidan wanted was for John to look up again, for those blue eyes to look at him again. And when Shepard did, his gaze was nothing but honest and serious.

“I know you think this is reckless, I can tell,” Shepard said, now only a few feet away from him on the other side of the bars. “But you’ve seen what the Collectors can do, and they have ships big enough to capture the whole of humanity and more. Believe me, if you think what you saw on Noveria was bad, you have seen nothing yet. The Council needs to wake up and face the truth, otherwise the galaxy will be overrun by the enemy so quickly they won’t know what hit them. We’ve got intel to show them, a whole database from one of the Collector ships as well as a lead on where they are hiding. Hell, I’d be damned if I didn’t at least try to make them listen.”

“And what do you want me to do?” Kaidan hissed, still feeling the anger of having been thrown right into the deep end again without a single word of warning.

Shepard’s shoulders slumped forward as he ran his hands over his head without taking his eyes off Kaidan. When he spoke again, his words were quiet, only meant for Kaidan to hear and no one else.

“I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to,” he said, dropping his arms and almost shyly rubbing his palms against the fabric of his breeches, and Kaidan realized that he was still in his under-armor, the rest of his armor neatly piled up on the bed behind him. “But before I go out there and jump through that relay, I want to know if there is something here for me, for _me_ , Kaidan,” he pounded his fist hard against his chest, “that is worth fighting for. And it doesn’t matter if you’re on that ship with me or not, but I want to know. I _need_ to know.”

Kaidan froze as Shepard’s words wrapped themselves around him like a blanket and pushed towards his heart. He cursed himself again for not telling the other man how he felt when he’d had the chance on Sakura. Maybe if he had, they wouldn’t be having this conversation with prison bars between them. Shepard still wanted him. He deserved to know.

And Kaidan realized that he had made his decision, and as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders he suddenly felt his whole body relax. Without worrying about the consequences, he stepped forward and reached through the bars. Shepard let out a snort of relief and then closed the distance, raising his own hands through the bars to buried them in Kaidan’s hair, pulling him closer so he could kiss him.

Kaidan was only faintly aware of the commotion at the other end of the corridor. He flinched at the sound of a gun being pulled out of its holster, but Shepard tightened his grip to keep him where he was, and Kaidan could feel him smile against his lips when Vega’s voice cut through the room, telling Anderson and the young soldier in no uncertain terms that they would have to shoot him first. Kaidan chuckled, but then Shepard raked his fingers along the back of his neck, and he lost himself in the other man again, not knowing if the silent gasp for air was Shepard’s or his own.

They pulled apart eventually, and when Kaidan opened his eyes, Shepard was staring back at him with a vulnerability he hadn’t seen in those eyes before, and he understood instantly that Shepard had been telling the truth. He was here for Kaidan. He had used the excuse to meet the Council to go after what _John_ Shepard wanted, regardless of his rank or current status as Commander Shepard. And Kaidan wouldn’t deny him what he wanted, but cherish and hold onto it as long as he could, no matter how crazy it seemed. This was who he had fallen in love with.

“I’ll get you something to change.” He couldn’t help but smile as he stepped back from the bars, Shepard’s fingertips gently brushing over his chest as they fell away. He turned and met Anderson’s stare square on. “I don’t know why Udina thinks this is necessary, but I won’t let a fellow Spectre, who has handed himself in willingly, be treated as if he is a flight risk.”

Anderson’s hand was still resting on the handle of his gun where he had pushed it back into its holster. At first, he just looked back at Kaidan, unmoving, as if he wasn’t quite sure what was happening. But then a smile drifted over his face and he nodded, and his hand fell away from his gun.

When Kaidan turned back towards the cell, Shepard was holding on to the bars, pushing against them as if we wanted to bend them apart. He was watching Kaidan with a wicket grin that made Kaidan chuckle.  

“I’ll be back soon,” he said, and the certainty in his own voice felt good. He reached up and briefly wrapped his hand around one of Shepard’s, giving it a firm squeeze, before letting go and walking back towards Anderson, Vega and the young soldier, who didn’t seem to know where to look.

“I can’t believe you let them put him in a cell,” he said as he stopped next to Anderson. The admiral didn’t reply but raised an eyebrow, clearly as a reminder of who Kaidan was talking to, and who had the higher rank. Kaidan only shook his head and then turned and headed towards the stairs.

“And I can’t believe they put you in charge of guarding him,” Kaidan grinned at Vega as he not completely accidentally bumped his shoulder against the lieutenant’s.

Vega laughed and flipped him off. “Apparently, I can only fall from grace once, lover boy. Go figure.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a quick note to say that it might be two weeks before the next chapter due work commitments this week, and because I also did this thing and signed up for MEBB (whuaaaa... I'm not sure I really know what I got myself into...)...


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Kaidan strikes a deal...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A massive thank you to everyone who stopped by to read, leave kudos or comments, I cherish every one of them. And go check out the amazing artwork by the lovely FallingOverSideways in chapter 8, if you haven't done so yet! :)

“You want to tell me what’s going on?” Anderson asked as he stepped in front of Shepard’s cell.

“Kaidan found himself a private life,” Shepard replied dryly. “Wasn’t that what you and Lemaire had in mind when you sent him to Sakura?” But when Anderson only lifted a warning eyebrow at him and crossed his arms in front of his chest, Shepard sighed and hung his head.

He knew he shouldn’t mock Anderson; he didn’t think anybody could have anticipated or prevented what had happened between him and Kaidan. And Anderson had been the one person who had always stood by him, who had risked his own reputation and position by staying in contact and feeding him information the Alliance had been keen to keep under wraps, especially from someone on Cerberus’ books.

“Wasn’t that pretty obvious?” Shepard asked, this time without any bite. “I’m not sure what I can tell you, other than that I like him. A lot.” He met Anderson’s eyes and had to fight the urge to crinkle his nose at the other man’s unreadable expression. All of a sudden, he felt like a teenager who was about to tell his father he would bring someone home for dinner for the first time. Only this was Kaidan Alenko, and Shepard realized, that even though he hardly cared about anybody else’s opinion, it was somehow important what Anderson thought of them.

“Is that why you’re here?” Anderson asked.

“Partly.” There was no point in lying.

The seconds crawled by as Anderson regarded him for a long moment. Then he unfolded his arms and pushed his hands into the pockets, a small smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “Well, not quite what I’d expected, but you certainly could’ve done worse. You’ve got a plan to get out of here, son?”

“I do, sir.” Shepard smirked, but his relief about having Anderson’s blessing was only short-lived.

“Does Kaidan know what that plan is?” Anderson asked, and Shepard’s face fell.

“He will,” he said, much quieter. He had wanted to tell Kaidan, but talking escape routes while Anderson had been listening simply hadn’t been an option. Only now that Anderson had asked the question, Shepard wasn’t quite so sure anymore what Kaidan would think or say, once they actually got a chance to talk.

Outside the cell, Anderson nodded. “Just make sure it’s a good plan. I don’t want a repeat of what happened on Feros, are we clear?”

“Aye, sir.” Shepard tried to sound confident, but secretly his heart sunk, and suddenly he was hoping desperately that Kaidan would return before Garrus made it to the Presidium. Shepard hadn’t been able to stop Udina from taking away his omni-tool, leaving him with no means to tell Garrus to hang fire until he got here, and he had a feeling he would rather have Kaidan by his side when it happened.  

“Keep me posted, if you can,” Anderson said, and Shepard knew the admiral had seen his moment of doubt. “I’ll make sure your liaison with Alenko stays between these walls for now.”

“I appreciated it,” Shepard said, and then he watched as Anderson made his way back towards the entrance, where he had a quick word with James, before taking the young soldier with him up the stairs.

“You two!” Vega chuckled as he sauntered past the other cells towards him. “You never fail to entertain.”

“Thanks for the backup back there,” Shepard grinned at him.

“De nada.” James leaned against the bars of the opposite cell. “I’m assuming Alenko won’t be the only one trying to find you in here?”

Shepard huffed and shook his head. “What potion did you put into Udina’s drink, to even be allowed down here?”

“All Anderson’s doing,” James said. “I have no idea how, but somehow no one seems to be aware that I was on Feros, too. Or maybe the waves you two produces were just too big to notice another Alliance soldier amongst all the uproar.”

“Better keep it that way,” Shepard said. “Imagine Udina’s despair. All this human betrayal.” He thought back to his meeting with the Council earlier. As soon as Udina had gotten wind of his arrival, he had insisted on joining them, and Shepard had learned very quickly that the ambassador wasn’t going to fight his corner. Within minutes of stepping in front of the councilors, he had called for Shepard to be prosecuted for treason, and if it hadn’t been for the Asari’s and the Turian councilor’s requests to adjourn the meeting until the next morning, so they could both be physically present, Udina’s wish might have been granted. “I wonder how long he will hold that grudge for not being allowed a seat on the Council.”

“They don’t trust him, and I can’t say I blame them,” Vega said. “There’s always been something snaky about that man.”

Shepard laughed as he sat down on the hard mattress of the bed behind him once more. “Says the man who wouldn’t bat an eyelid to help a traitor on the run.”

They fell into easy conversation after that, about Vega’s return to the Alliance and Shepard’s trip into the dead Reaper, about Miranda and Jack and how the Normandy was now fitted with a Reaper IFF, much to Joker’s dismay. Shepard kept one ear firmly trained towards the stairs, trying to hide his growing tension from the other man, but considering how often James turned to look towards the entrance, he didn’t think he was very successful. It was almost two hours before he heard the sound of footsteps echoing down the stairwell again, and he breathed a sigh of relief when James got to his feet and greeted Kaidan with a cheeky ‘did you cook him a meal, or something, Alenko’.

Shepard quickly pushed himself up. To his surprise, Kaidan merely chuckled at Vega’s remark as he unlocked the small control panel next Shepard’s cell, and a second later the bars between them shuddered with a groan and then began to rise.

“What’s going on?” Shepard hesitantly ducked underneath them without taking his eyes off Kaidan.

“I’ve managed to get you a private hearing with Councilor Tevos,” Kaidan simply said, a determined look on his face. “Anderson told me about Udina, as long as the ambassador is in that room with you tomorrow, the Council won’t listen to a word you have to say. Unless we get to them first.”

“Now?” Shepard raised an eyebrow at him, a sharp uneasiness twisting around his gut. He had been locked away for hours, and it couldn’t be long before the end of the night cycle. He knew Garrus was waiting for the security guards to change shifts, and Shepard had a feeling that Kaidan had chosen the same window to get him into the tower unseen.

Kaidan frowned at him. “You weren’t planning on seeing the Council tomorrow, were you?”

Shepard held his gaze, debating what and how much he should tell him.

However, Kaidan took the decision off him when he spoke again. “Whatever shootout you have planned to get out of here, I’m asking you not to go along with it, please. If we get this right with Tevos, you have a chance to walk out of here as a free man.”

“It might be too late for that,” Shepard said, almost expecting Garrus to burst down the stairs any second. “I’m not sure I can stop the Turian now.”

Kaidan closed his eyes and ran his hands through his hair, his face tense with concentration. Then he opened them again and looked straight at Shepard. “Okay, at least we know he’s coming,” he said, and then his expression softened. “Either way, I will need to put you in cuffs. I’m sorry.”

“That’s okay,” Shepard said and held out his hands, giving him a small smile in return.

Kaidan nodded at James, and Vega reached for Shepard’s hands, cuffing them behind his back. It wasn’t ideal, in case they came under fire, but it would certainly make the situation more believable if they were stumbled upon by someone suspecting them plotting an escape.

“You want to fill me in?” Shepard asked as they followed James up the stairs. He could feel Kaidan’s hand on his arm where the other man had wrapped it around his biceps as if he was leading a prisoner, only his grip was much gentler, comforting even.

“I will,” Kaidan said with a smile, and his voice was warm and steady. “Once we’re out of here.”

They passed the two soldiers, the young one that had watched their reunion earlier now having joined his fellow serviceman at the top of the stairs. Shepard wondered what Anderson had told him, as the guy was trying hard not to look at him when Kaidan was ordering them to make anyone who might turn up while they were away wait until they returned. Shepard wasn’t so sure if they would be coming back, but even if Kaidan shared that thought, he didn’t waver in his speech.

They walked along the row of detention rooms in silence and then waited patiently for James to unlock the string of security doors as the climbed the final set of stairs back towards the plaza. And all the while, Kaidan was holding on to his arm, and if Shepard leaned into the touch now and again, even only to show Kaidan that he wasn’t about to up it and run, no one but the two of them knew. Then they stepped out onto the plaza, still dark and deserted, and the warmth of the artificial breeze that brushed over his skin made Shepard wish they could experience this under different circumstances.

He had hardly finished the thought when Kaidan suddenly tensed, his biotic barrier flaring up around them. A second later they were hit by something strong enough to throw them both to the ground. Kaidan’s body dampened his fall, but going by the dull thumping at the back of Shepard’s skull, he still must have knocked his head. Kaidan was back up on his feet in a flash, but with his arms still tied behind his back, Shepard couldn’t do much more than roll onto his side, trying to lift his head to throw a glance over his shoulder. He watched as the blue haze of Kaidan’s biotics engulfed the other man once more, and then Kaidan released them towards their attacker. He recognized Jack just as Kaidan’s throw hit her side on, catapulting her down an entire flight of steps.

“Fuck, stop! Kaidan, she’s with us,” Shepard grunted and awkwardly pushed himself into a sitting position. Next to him, James was scrambling back to his feet, a smear of blood above his right eye. Jack’s blow must have taken him out as well. Shepard hissed as his handcuffs cut into his wrists. “Fuck, Garrus, where are you?”

Kaidan had taken on a fighting stance in front of them, ready to take the next hit, when Garrus stepped out of his cover from behind one of the trees, while Jack was back on her feet, her eyes fixed on Kaidan like a predator ready to pounce.

“Hold fire, Jack,” Garrus growled and Jack froze, and the Turian took the opportunity to maneuver himself between her and Kaidan, holding up his hands as a sign to both of them to stop.

“Kaidan,” Shepard said quietly, his ass still firmly planted on the ground, pleading with the other man to back down. It took another few moments before Kaidan eventually moved, grabbing Shepard by his arm to help him up without taking his eyes off Garrus.

“Just let us take him, and we’ll be out of your hair,” Garrus said, but when he realized Kaidan wasn’t going to give in, he cocked his head and narrowed his eyes. “Or we can knock you out gently, if you’d prefer that.”

“No thank you, Garrus,” Kaidan returned sharply. “There has been a change of plans.”

Behind Garrus, Jack had drawn her gun and was coming closer, while Kaidan’s fingers were digging deeper into Shepard’s arm.

“Fuck you, you think your little blue power can stop us?” Jack spat, but Garrus reached out and stopped her before she could get past him just as Shepard heard Vega load his gun behind him.

“What are you proposing?” Garrus asked, and Shepard was glad he had instructed the Turian to get him out and not Miranda, even though she had asked to do it. Next to him, he could feel Kaidan relax at the same time he did.

“I’m taking him to see Councilor Tevos, to try to get her on our side,” Kaidan explained. “She’s on her way to the Citadel and has agreed to have a call with us before the hearing tomorrow, but I doubt she will appreciated if we keep her waiting much longer.”

“They’ll never listen to him,” Garrus said.

“Not if he’s shooting himself out of places without giving them all the relevant information.”

“And talking to Tevos will make them listen how?” Shepard asked, skeptical of what exactly Kaidan wanted to tell the Asari councilor.

“Out of the three, she’s the one that is most concerned about the missing colonies.” Kaidan turned to face him and let go of his arm. “After I left you earlier, Liara and I contacted her and convinced her to look at the data Miranda Lawson collected from the Collector ship. She eventually agreed to see you before tomorrow’s hearing, and Liara was still talking to her when I left them to get you. Her word has much more weight with Valern and Sparatus than Udina’s will ever have, so if we get her on our side, we might at least have a chance.”

“And if we don’t get her on our side?” Garrus asked.

Kaidan looked at him, and then Shepard felt Kaidan’s hand on his back, right between his shoulder blades. “Then, my friend, you can come back and shoot him out of here for all you want.”

Jack snorted, but Garrus only met Shepard’s eyes, silently asking for his opinion. And Shepard remembered what Kaidan had told him earlier, about walking away from the Council because they let him, rather than turning it into yet another manhunt. He longed for the day he could just do that, preferably with Kaidan beside him, without the fear of being prosecuted for it, and he knew that that was exactly what Kaidan was trying to make happen.

“Kaidan’s right,” he said, and Garrus’ shoulder visibly slumped forward, but Shepard couldn’t tell if it was out of relief or regret.

“You’re fucking kidding me, right?” Jack snarled and threw a dismissive glare towards Kaidan. “I knew this was a crap idea. And who is he anyway, to tell us what to do with your sorry ass?”

“Jack!” Shepard pinned her with a stare, as stern as he could with his arms still tied up behind his back. “My ass, my rules. Understood?”

Jack looked like she was tempted to shove her gun into someone’s face again, whose, he wasn’t quite sure. He felt Kaidan’s hand closing around his arm once more, a touch firmer than before, a signal that if they wanted this to work, they couldn’t afford to let the councilor wait much longer.

“Let’s get going,” Kaidan said, and somehow the calmness in his voice gave Shepard a sense of confidence that he was making the right decision. “I promise I will keep you informed, Garrus. And as soon as something goes wrong you can come and get him, and I won’t stand in your way.”

***

“Are you all right?” Kaidan asked James, nodding towards the cut above Vega’s eye as they stepped into the elevator. It was only then that Shepard noticed that Kaidan hadn’t gotten away unscathed either, the dark shadow on one of Kaidan’s cheekbones suspiciously changing color.

“Yeah, no more than a scratch.” Vega laughed, dismissing it with a wave of his hand. “That’s some lady you’ve added to your crew there, Shepard. Where the hell did you find her?”

“Careful Vega.” Shepard smirked. James sounded almost impressed. “She blew herself out of Purgatory not so long ago, she’ll have you for breakfast if she ever hears you call her a lady.”

He didn’t miss the concerned look Kaidan threw his way, and James almost choked next to him, but then quickly pulled himself together again when the elevator came to a halt and the doors slid open.

“This way.” Kaidan gestured for them to follow him, and headed towards a door to their left. He tapped a code into the control panel on the wall, and then the doors opened, revealing Liara and Councilor Tevos’ holographic form, seemingly deep in conversation, at the other end of the room that lay beyond.

“My apologies for keeping you waiting for so long, Councilor,” Kaidan said.

Tevos straightened and her focus sharpened immediately as her eyes were drawn to the forming bruise on Kaidan’s face, then to Vega’s split eyebrow. “Trouble, Spectre Alenko?” she said, and Shepard silently cursed Jack and her goddamn eagerness to blow things up.

“It’s dealt with and will not affect this meeting or the hearing tomorrow morning,” Kaidan ensured her with a forwardness that Shepard had only seen twice before, in the war room on Sakura. And each time Kaidan had been pretty riled up with Lemaire. But then again, this was Kaidan’s forte, his ability to deal with situations like these had earned him his Spectre status in the first place. He was a diplomat first and foremost, on top of being an outstanding soldier and fighter. Maybe he hadn’t quite mastered the art when it came to matters of his own heart, but when the task was to mediate between different people, different races, he was undoubtedly a force to recon with.

Shepard expected the councilor to tell them she would not be held for a fool, but to his surprise, Tevos only nodded. “I trust that will be the case, Spectre.” Then she turned and addressed Shepard directly. “Commander Shepard, your friends have gone to great length to make this call happen, I suggest you honor their commitment to you and answer my questions truthfully.”

“Yes, Councilor,” he replied, trying to ignore the spark of irritation the Asari’s tone was stirring in his stomach. If Kaidan thought this would work, and he clearly seemed to have Tevos’ respect, Shepard would do his best not to let him down.

“We have lost twelve human colonies over the last two years,” the councilor continued. “You’re saying that those abductions are the work of the Collectors, and Doctor T’Soni has walked me through the information you and your crew have gathered. I have to admit, the evidence is compelling. However, I still would like to hear, in your own words, why you were with Cerberus.”

“I wouldn’t be standing here without them, Councilor.” And he never would have met Kaidan, which only made what he said next all the more real. “They’ve given me back my life, and for that I am grateful.”

“Why did you leave them?”

“Taking what they offered me doesn’t mean I have to believe in what they say,” Shepard said as calmly as he possibly could. He was tired of those questions, of having to justify himself again and again. “I’m still an Alliance officer at heart, and always will be. I never intended to stay with Cerberus.”

Tevos regarded him for a moment and then turned to look at Kaidan. “Spectre, your association with Commander Shepard is not one that is without risks. I would like to know your reasoning behind believing this man’s claims.”

Shepard swallowed a growl and bit the inside of his cheek, clenching his fists behind his back, his patience hanging by the thinnest of threads. They were here to talk about the Collector, but all Tevos seemed to be concerned about was their credibility.

However, despite the councilor’s interrogation, Kaidan’s expression never changed, and when he spoke, his voice was strong and resolute. “I had my doubts as well, Councilor, believe me. But after I got caught in the cross-fire at Feros, I was at Commander Shepard’s mercy for some time, and I was treated with nothing but dignity and respect by him and his crew.”

Shepard held his breath, waiting for Tevos to interrupt, or question the vagueness of Kaidan’s half-truth, but the councilor only nodded, willing to let Kaidan continue.

“As you are aware, Doctor T’Soni and I are very close friends, and have been for a long time. I greatly value her opinion, so when I returned, I asked her the same questions. I’m sure she has filled you in about how Cerberus came by Commander Shepard’s body. You’ve seen the information from the Collector ship. On top of all that, I also had the chance to spend some time with him in person, and I believe he’s telling us the truth.”

Shepard squirmed inwardly. For a moment, listening to Kaidan talk about him as if he wasn’t standing right next to him, he felt as if he didn’t know the man. As if the time they had spent baring themselves to each other, literally down to nothing but their naked skin, had never existed. But then Tevos turned back towards him, and within an instance the feeling was gone, and he stood a little taller and met the Asari’s gaze. All of Kaidan’s talk was for her benefit, not his.

“Commander,” Tevos said, her eyes now solely fixed on him. “I trust Doctor T’Soni’s and Spectre Alenko’s judgement, and therefore, I believe your account of the threat posed by the Collectors to be real. However, your recent connections with Cerberus will always throw up questions, and therefore I ask you to agree to a be tested by our own doctors and scientist, here on the Citadel. I would also like to make sure that Cerberus hasn’t fitted you with a control chip or something similar.”

“Fuck, no way!” Shepard snarled and took an abrupt step forward as his anger finally made its way to the surface, but was stopped instantly when Kaidan cut him off with a hand on his shoulder.

“Shepard,” Kaidan warned, but Shepard was still glaring at the councilor. “John.”

When he tore his eyes away from the Asari and looked at Kaidan, the other man was back to being the man he knew, wearing his heart on his sleeve for everyone and everything he cared about. They were in this together, and while Kaidan was playing his part by telling Tevos more than he was probably comfortable with, he was asking Shepard to hold up the other end of the equation.

Shepard held Kaidan’s gaze. He didn’t want anyone to take samples of him, or poke around his head in search of a control chip that wasn’t there. He had had enough of the degrading, enough of people questioning his mere existence, and half-regretted having sent Garrus and Jack away. But if they wanted to have any chance to fight the Collectors as allies and not enemies, they needed this.

He sighed and then turned back towards the Asari, the weight of Kaidan’s hand on his shoulder grounding him. “Whatever you need to do, Councilor. But you’re not cutting into my head.”

He could feel Kaidan’s hand slip from him and saw relief flitter across Liara’s face where she stood next to the councilor, while Tevos gave him a small smile, almost as if she was acknowledging his sacrifice.

“Thank you, Commander,” Tevos said. Then she looked at Kaidan once more. “Just one more thing, Spectre Alenko.”

“Councilor?”

“ _You_ cannot be there tomorrow.” Kaidan opened his mouth, ready to protest, but the Asari raised a hand and stopped him. “I don’t know what to believe about the rumors surrounding the events at Feros, but if you step in front of the Council trying to defend Commander Shepard, it will only fuel some people’s beliefs that those rumors are true. In your own interest, I’m ordering you to stay away.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is kind of the penultimate chapter, 'kind of' because there are still two more to come (I think...). The last one will be an epilogue, but I'm planning to post them both at the same time, therefore, there will probably be only one more update - gosh, I think I will miss these two. It might be a couple of weeks before then, though, as I need to finish off my MEBB project as well (almost there with that one, too).


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When the Council makes a decision...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I slightly changed my plans and decided not to post the last two chapters in one go, which means there is one more update for the final chapter/epilogue to come after this one. Thank you all for your patience while I went off to finish my MEBB project, and thanks again to everyone who came by to read, leave kudos and comments etc. Love you all.

“You can scan me all you want, Councilor,” Shepard hissed at Sparatus, “but if someone as much as tries to set a scalpel to my head, I swear, I won’t be responsible for my actions.”

“Threatening us won’t help your cause, Commander,” Sparatus spat back at him, and Shepard felt the urge to punch the Turian. For everything he had done for the Council before he had died, Sparatus had never ceased to treat him with anything other than pretentiousness and dislike.

“Shepard,” Udina chipped in, and Shepard just about swallowed the curse he wanted to hurl at the ambassador. “I don’t understand why you would object to being examined. After all, you went through a lot of trouble to come here in the first place.”

“I want a safeguard,” Shepard growled, trying to ignore Udina and pinning Sparatus with a stare instead. “I want someone there with me, someone I trust, to ensure that your medical staff doesn’t accidentally use their tranquilizers on me.”

Sparatus huffed in disgust. Next to him, the Salarian councilor raised a hand, cutting any further quarreling short. While Tevos and Sparatus had done most of the questioning, Valern had been watching quietly, looking rather bored with the exchange up until Tevos had suggested taking Shepard to Huerta Memorial Hospital for a thorough check-up.

“Who did you have in mind?” Valern asked, stepping forward with an inconspicuous gesture towards Udina, and Shepard had the feeling the Salarian was testing him, trying to find out where he stood with the ambassador. “As your _safeguard_ , if that’s what you want to call it?”

Hell, he would be damned if he let Udina anywhere near him. He wanted Kaidan by his side, but as he opened his mouth to voice his request, Tevos caught his eye. She didn’t speak, didn’t even as much as shake her head, but the warning was still there.

He hesitated. If not for Kaidan, who else could he ask for? If he suggested anybody from his crew, the Council would suspect foul play straight away, and Udina had skillfully taken Anderson out of the picture as well, making the admiral stand in at a meeting at the Salarian embassy so Udina himself could join Shepard’s hearing. And with Liara already on her way to another Prothean dig-site, Shepard’s options seemed to be more than just limited. He was about to disregard Tevos’ warning and ask for Kaidan anyway, when a thought popped into his head.

“Miranda Lawson.” He drew himself up, daring them to question his choice. “She was the one that put me back together. She can probably also answer any questions your _doctors_ might have.” He turned to address Tevos directly. “And if you’re worried she might try to help me escape, maybe you could be there, too.”

Tevos regarded him for a moment. “What do you think, gentlemen?” she finally asked without taking her eyes off Shepard.

“It will give us closure,” Valern said before Sparatus had a chance to speak. “This saga about Commander Shepard has gone on long enough. If the tests prove to be conclusive, I personally prefer having the Spectre back on our side to turning him into this glorified renegade Cerberus wants to portrait him as.”

It took all Shepard’s self-control to hold in his emotions, a bitter laugh precariously sitting at the back of his throat. Some things never seemed to change. In their eyes, he was nothing but a tool, their tool, and the rest of the world better believed it.

“Then it’s agreed,” Tevos said, indicating to the Asari who had been taking notes that the meeting had come to an end. “Send someone to the Normandy to pick up Miss Lawson. Meanwhile, I will accompany Commander Shepard and will be present for the examination.”

A hand landed on Shepard’s shoulder, and when he turned, Vega stood behind him, a smirk on his face, holding up the set of hand-cuffs they had relieved him off before the hearing.

“If this works I want my name on one of those lockers on the Normandy,” Vega said under his breath, low enough so only Shepard could hear him. 

“If this works you can have a locker _and_ I’ll make space for your cervezas in the fridge, my friend,” Shepard muttered.

James chuckled and dutifully cuffed Shepard’s hands behind his back again. If only this whole charade was over already.

Less than half an hour later, Shepard stood in the middle of an examination room with his arms stretched out to either side. His jaw set, he stared past the woman with the white coat, his eyes fixed on the wall behind her, while she was scanning his body with her omni-tool. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Miranda standing next to Councilor Tevos, her arms crossed in front of her, looking as enthusiastic about the whole thing as he felt. And still, she patiently answered every question the doctor threw at her.

He wondered what had been going through her mind when they had turned up on the Normandy and asked for her. Perhaps she had already known they were coming; she had so many contacts around the galaxy, it wouldn’t have surprised Shepard if some of her little birdies were close enough to the Council to know what was going on behind closed doors. He was glad she was here, observing the doctor’s every move with that stoic arrogance of hers, unsettling the poor woman to the point where she had already dropped her pen twice.

“Undress, please,” the doctor said as she reached for her dissection set, but stalled when Shepard spun around and glared at her.

“Fuck no.”

“Commander,” Tevos warned, leaving Miranda’s side to step closer. “You have extensive cybernetics in your body, you must understand that a scan will not satisfy the doubters. If you want to convince us, you will have to let us take a closer look.”

“I can’t see how looking at my naked ass will help you verify my identity.”

“The cybernetics have scarred you,” Tevos said. “All we want to do is take some samples to determine if your DNA has changed.”

“It hasn’t,” Miranda said, scowling at the councilor.

“Then you shouldn’t object to the samples, Commander Shepard,” Tevos reminded him.

Grinding his teeth, Shepard had a hard time to hold it together. They should be talking about the Collectors, damn, he had installed a fucking Reaper IFF on his ship to help defeat them. But all these narrow-minded politicians were concerned with was whether he was real or not.

“Do it,” Miranda said. “The sooner we get this done, the sooner we can get you out of here.” The last words were pointedly directed at the Asari.

“You can leave your underwear on,” the doctor said.

Shepard almost laughed at the absurdity of that statement. Underwear or not, he would still have to let them scrape the skin off his scars, not to mention the fact that he already felt exposed enough even with his clothes on. He closed his eyes and tried to remember what Kaidan had said to him the night before. If he liked it or not, this was his chance to be a free man again. And Miranda was right, the sooner he cooperated, the sooner it would be over.

He didn’t have to like it, though. He grabbed his shirt and roughly yanked it off over his head, unceremoniously dumping it on the gurney next to him, unable to shake the feeling of defeat. He was pushing down his breeches when something small slipped out of his pocket and dropped to the floor.

It took him less than a second to realized what he had lost, and he almost toppled over when he tried to reach for it. He didn’t expect the doctor to beat him to it, but she did, condemning him to watch helplessly as she held up the small, charred square of Kaidan’s amp port between them.

“What is it?” Tevos stepped closer again, eyeing the chip-like port suspiciously.

“I’m not sure,” the doctor said. “It looks like some kind of chip.”

Without warning Tevos grabbed Shepard by his arm and turned him around. He tried to pull away as her cold hand reached for the back of his head, but was stopped by his own breeches, still wrapped around one of his ankles. He squirmed when her fingers ran over the back of his neck and into his hair, prodding the skin in search of that one particular scar he knew she was looking for.

“It’s a fucking amp port!”

“You’re not a biotic!” Tevos’ stern voice was too close to his ear. “You don’t need an amp port.”

“It’s not mine,” he snarled at her. “And in case you hadn’t noticed, it would hardly be of any use.”

She finally stopped her examination and turned him around again so he was facing her. “Why should I believe you? How do I know that that’s not a control chip?”

“Run a diagnostic on it,” Miranda cut in. “Every amp port is registered when it’s fitted, if it still scans for a serial number, you will see whose it is. Going by the state of it, though, I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re dead.”

Shepard swallowed around the lump in his throat as he remembered Kaidan in the medbay, wired up and shackled to the bed. He wanted to stop Tevos, wanted to beg her to believe him, but his tongue refused to work, leaving his plea unspoken.

And Tevos wasn’t wasting time. She took the amp port from the doctor and carried it over to the desks at the end of the room, typing a few commands onto one of the screens in front of her, before quickly scanning the chip with her omni-tool. Something pop up on the screen, followed by a quiet, electronic sound. A moment later the councilor froze, hands poised against the desk as she stared at the display.

“What does it say?” Miranda asked.

Tevos straightened up and slowly turned around, her eyes trained on the little square she was now holding almost carefully between her fingers. When she looked up at Shepard, he was met with an expression he had no idea how to read.

“Why do you have this?” she asked, ignoring Miranda’s question.

His heart was hammering against his chest as he was trying to come up with an answer. Last night Tevos had made it clear that she wasn’t interested in the rumors about Feros, and he had no intention to change that by telling her what had really happened. But what else could he say without giving away what Kaidan meant to him?

On the other hand, Tevos had also warned Kaidan not to show up at the hearing, and Shepard had no doubt she had done so to protect the other man. She had to have known that Kaidan was hiding things from her, but for whatever reason, she had had enough faith in his decisions to let him bend the rules without questioning. Hoping that trust in Kaidan wasn’t just temporary, Shepard held her gaze for a moment before he spoke again. “Because it reminds me of what’s important.”

A single frown line appeared on her forehead as she considered his words.

“Councilor? What is it?” It was the doctor who reminded them all that there was still another question hanging in the air.

However, to Shepard’s surprise, Tevos didn’t reply immediately, and when she walked back to where Miranda was standing and handed the amp port to her, Miranda’s eyebrows shot up.

“Miss Lawson will hold on to this for you until we have finished our tests, Commander,” Tevos said, before turning back towards the doctor. “It is indeed an amp port, Doctor. With regards to the owner, that information has been classified.”

***

It was strange to be back. There was a familiarity to the ship that welcomed him, a feeling that reminded him of stepping onto the porch at his parents’ house. And still, Kaidan was struggling to keep his nerves in check as he sat on one of the benches in the Normandy’s shuttle bay, fully armored up and ready to go. He could feel the buzz of his biotics under his skin, making him want to flex his hands and release the prickling current into the nearest stack of crates, and it was only the smooth texture of Lemaire’s letter between his fingers that had stopped him so far.

“Here.” Ashley handed him his gun, before slumping onto the bench beside him, looking disconcertingly civil in her plain t-shirt and a pair of fatigues. “I’ve straightened it out for you, something must have knocked the barrel.”

“Thanks.” He tried for a smile but quickly gave up, the tension getting the better of him. He had never thought he would willingly draw his weapon against the Council, but here he was, prepared to do exactly that. He had promised Shepard to stay close to the Citadel Tower during the hearing, but then James had called to say they were already on their way to Huerta Memorial. When Udina had stormed back into the embassy moments later, cussing and swearing, Kaidan had quickly grabbed his gear and slipped out of his office, leaving Udina’s assistant to deal with the ambassador’s rage. After that it hadn’t taken him long to decide where to go.

“People still write letters?” Ashley asked softly.

“Apparently so.” Kaidan huffed a small laugh, forever grateful for her determination to make him feel at ease. “It’s from Lemaire.” He unfolded the already slightly creased piece of paper and held it out towards her. She had been there with them, and Kaidan had a feeling that she hadn’t come away as unscathed as she was making out either. If letting her read the letter could soothe some of her burns as well, he was more than happy to share Lemaire’s words with her.

Her eyes grew wide, but when he gave her an encouraging nod, she eventually took the letter from him. He probably could’ve cited it to her in its entirety, having read it so many times by now.

_Kaidan,_

_I understand that I am probably the last person you want to hear from right now. I have wronged you in so many ways and for that I am truly sorry. You are one of the most righteous and loyal men I have ever met; you are a good man. Don’t forget that and don’t ever change._

_Yours sincerely,_  
_Charles Lemaire_

It wasn’t much, but it was enough to mellow Kaidan’s anger. Lemaire hadn’t made it about himself, hadn’t tried to justify his actions or brought up Beau, neither had he tried to make Kaidan feel as if he owed him anything. It was a simply and heartfelt apology that didn’t demand a reply, didn’t even asked to be accepted, and Kaidan could only respect Lemaire for that.

“What are you going to do?” Ashley asked, passing the letter back to him.

“I don’t know,” he said, pushing it into his pocket. “Part of me still wants to punch him. But then there’s this other part that just wants to go back and make peace. The galaxy is full of people that don’t give a damn about what happens to us, why alienate the few that actually do care?”

Ashley smiled and lightly bumped her shoulder against his. “Somehow I have a feeling peace will win over punches.”

He chuckled and gave her a playful shove back. However, his moment of comfort was short-lived, quickly turning into apprehension when he saw Jack saunter towards them, seemingly wearing her tattoos as her armor. He had only realized at a second glance that what he could see was actually painted skin and not the color of her shirt.

“ _Spectre._ ” The way the word rolled over her tongue made it almost sound like an insult. “So, you’re the reason we’re in this fucking mess right now? I have to say, I am impressed. It’s been a long time since someone’s knocked me off my feet, and I don’t mean that in the same way you’ve knocked the fucking commander off his.”

“Huh?” Kaidan cocked his head. “I’d say thanks, I guess, only I’m not sure whether I’m being reprimanded or praised here.”

“Take it as a compliment,” Garrus growled from where he stood near the Mako. “Just don’t run out on us again.”

Jack snorted. “What do you mean, you had this blue rocket on your team and you let him go?”

“Yeah, maybe I kind of sneaked away.” Kaidan bowed his head, heat creeping into his cheeks. Next to him, Ashley was trying hard not to laugh as she lightly patted him on his back.

“Fuck me!” Jack cackled, and when Kaidan looked back up, a wicked grin had spread over her face. “I have no idea how I ended up with you guys, but I like it.”

“I’m glad we’re able to provide you with your daily dose of entertainment,” Garrus grumbled, throwing a quick glance at the open shuttle bay ramp, before looking back at Kaidan. “Any news from Vega?”

“Not since they took Shepard to Huerta,” Kaidan said. He sighed and leaned back against the lockers behind him. His confidence was taking a tumble. With every hour that had passed since Shepard had entered the hearing, Kaidan’s belief in his own plan had dwindled, so far so that he had put on his armor and was ready to join Garrus and Jack.  

“Have faith,” Ashley said quietly, as if she had read his mind. “It was certainly worth a try.”

He smiled at her half-heartedly, but then the sound of a commotion outside the ship made them both jump to their feet. Kaidan reached for his gun, as did Garrus, while Jack merely cocked her hip to one side and folded her arms over her chest. They all stared at the open ramp, fragments of conversation floating in from where two guards had been positioned outside, just out of view. The voices fell silent, and then all they could hear was the echo of footsteps as someone was coming closer to the ramp.

A moment later Shepard appeared in the opening, followed by James and a woman who Kaidan now knew was Miranda Lawson. Their faces were fierce, but Kaidan thought he had never felt so relieved to see them. A flash of panic ran through him when he noticed the medical dressing on the side of Shepard’s neck, just above the collar of his shirt, but then Shepard looked up and saw him, and all the hardness in his eyes disappeared at once.

“Welcome back, Commander,” Edi’s voice rang through the intercom.

“The fuckers let you go?” Jack asked.

“Kind of.” Shepard stopped next to her, rubbing the back of his neck. “They’re keeping us on lockdown until the morning. They’ve called in Anderson to agree under whose command the Normandy should fly.”

“Oh, thank God,” Kaidan exhaled.

“You okay?” Garrus’ mandibles twitched as he looked Shepard up and down.

“I’m good,” Shepard said. He turned and met Kaidan’s eyes, but when he spoke, the words were meant for his crew. “Can you give me and Major Alenko some privacy, please?”

Kaidan swallowed at the seriousness of Shepard’s tone. He watched as, one by one, the crew, including Vega, disappeared into the elevator and waited until the doors slid shut behind the last of them before he looked back at Shepard.

The other man only stood a few feet away from him, his hands in his pockets while his eyes bore into him with an intensity that Kaidan didn’t quite know how to handle. It made his skin grow cold and flush with heat at the same time, and all of a sudden his armor felt unnervingly tight around his body.

“I…,” he began, fumbling with the compression release on his chest plate. “Are we… I… I shouldn’t have left like I did,” he eventually blurted out. His fingers finally managed to flip the release, and he let out a sigh of relief as the pressure lifted off his chest. “I was an idiot. I’m sorry.”

Shepard listened to his stuttering, and Kaidan thought he could see a flicker of amusement tugging at the corner of Shepard’s mouth. It turned into a tentative smile when Shepard realized that Kaidan had run out of words, and he pulled his hands out of his pockets and closed the distance between them. For a split second Kaidan thought he was going to kiss him, but instead Shepard swatted his hands away and started undoing the clasps on his armor. He silently removed the front and shoulder plates, before gently prodding Kaidan to turn around so he could do the back.

And Kaidan let him, the same way he had let him the night after Noveria. He closed his eyes when he felt Shepard’s fingers brush over the fabric of his under-armor, only to be hit with an image of Rahna’s dark red eyes staring back at him. His eyes snapped open again at the painful reminder that even though they might have managed to get Shepard out, there was still another task ahead of them, a threat that was bigger than the Council’s agreement, more important.

“Thank you,” Shepard suddenly said as he was helping Kaidan lift the last piece of plating over his head.

“Shepard, I’m so sorry. What did they do to–”

“Don’t, Kaidan,” Shepard cut him off. “Stop apologizing. It worked.” He carefully placed the plates next to the others on the ground and then lowered himself onto the bench.

“Do you think they’ll actually let you go tomorrow?” Kaidan sat down next to him.

“Looks like it.” Shepard said and then chuckled, as if he didn’t quite believe it himself.

Neither of them said anything, and as the seconds stretched between them, Kaidan’s nervousness returned, making his fingers itch. But then Shepard reached across and took one of Kaidan’s hands into his own. They both stared at it as Shepard gently turned it until he found the small scar at the back of Kaidan’s thumb.

“Where did you get this?” Shepard’s voice was rough, and Kaidan shuddered as a single finger traced over the blemished skin.

He couldn’t withhold a laugh. Of all the things Shepard could’ve asked, this is what he wanted to know?

“Christmas, about ten years ago,” he said, and next to him Shepard chuckled again, but didn’t take his eyes off the scar. “Mom made me cut the turkey while my two little nephews were playing tag around the table. We had to throw out almost half of it because I bled all over it, and Mom ended up cooking the emergency chicken to feed everyone.”

He smiled at the memory, and then looked up to find Shepard was staring back at him, a different kind of smile on his face, hesitant and guarded in a way.

“Tell me I won’t have to fly us out into space for you to stay the night.” Shepard said.

A wave of regret washed over Kaidan. He could see the worry in Shepard’s eyes, and all he wanted to do was put out that lingering ember of doubt that he knew was all his own fault and no one else’s.

“You won’t,” he said. Meeting Shepard’s gaze, he entwined their fingers and pulled them up to press a gentle kiss against the back of Shepard’s hand. “I’ll stay, I promise.”

He could hear the shaky breath that escaped Shepard as his fingers tightened around Kaidan’s, and Kaidan lowered their hands again until they came to rest on his thigh. He shifted his weight just enough for their shoulders to touch and finally Shepard smiled. And then they talked.

They talked about Tevos’ suggestion and Udina’s outrage, and Shepard told him about how humiliated he had felt when they had asked him to strip down to his underwear. When he took his free hand to pull something from his pocket, Kaidan’s eyes went wide as he recognized the burned remains of his old amp port. And Shepard told him how he had kept it after the wave, and how Tevos had found it during the examination, but hadn’t given away whose it was, even after she had found out.

They talked about Kaidan’s time with his parents and about Lemaire’s letter, and about how Kaidan wasn’t sure what to do with it. This time, when Shepard asked him about the time after Brain Camp, Kaidan told him, about how he had thought he would never be able to fit in. About how he had been convinced that his presence alone was enough for the people he cared about to get hurt, and how he had hurt them even more by shutting them out and going off the rails.

When they eventually fell silent, Kaidan had no idea how long they had been sitting there. Shepard was absentmindedly caressing his hand, gently running his fingertips over the palm of it, before stroking the scar on his thumb again.

“You want to come up?” Shepard suddenly asked, meeting Kaidan’s gaze once more.

Kaidan smiled. “Yeah,” he croaked, and they both laughed as he tried to clear his throat. “Yeah,” he said again, his voice much clearer this time. “I’d like that.”


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Kaidan stays behind...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't quite believe that this is the final update. I've changed my mind again, though, and this update will come in two parts, mainly because it felt odd to leave it as one big chapter. So here's the final chapter and the epilogue. :)

Kaidan had barely stepped out over the threshold when the soft vibration against his arm made him glance at his omni-tool. At the sight of Shepard’s caller ID flashing up on the display, he quickly turned around and retreated back into the privacy of his office, closing the door behind him.

“John!”

“Hey.” Shepard’s voice sounded distant, fading in and out as if he was moving around.

“Hey, are you okay? How close are you to the relay?” Kaidan transferred the call to one of his datapads and sank into his chair, half-heartedly rearranging the utensils on his desk, fully aware of the restlessness he had been carrying around since he had watched the Normandy glide out of the docking bay the day before.

“I’m good,” Shepard grunted and something rustled against the microphone. “I’m just getting ready. We’re about twenty minutes out.” The words were followed by complete silence, and for a moment Kaidan thought the connection had been cut. But then Shepard spoke again, much quieter this time. “You know, sometimes I really hate this armor.”

Kaidan could picture Shepard, sitting half-dressed on the end of his bed, staring into nothingness, and the image alone was making his gut clench. “I know,” he said and let out a long breath. “I know.”

His thoughts took him back to their last night together, phantom fingertips ghosting over his skin, making him shiver. For once, their sweat hadn’t stemmed from a battle. For once, Kaidan’s increased heart rate and biotic flare hadn’t been caused by an approaching enemy, but by Shepard’s naked body against his own. He didn’t think he had ever felt so at home with anybody, sharing lazy kisses and muted conversations with Shepard until the early hours of the next morning, when sleep finally pulled them into its sweet embrace. And for the first time in a very long time, Kaidan had woken up next to someone who mattered. Someone who had held him and let himself be held, arms wrapped around each other, legs intertwined.

“I love your hair like that,” Shepard had mumbled, his chin propped up against Kaidan’s chest with one hand, while languidly combing his fingers through Kaidan’s unruly hair with the other.

Kaidan remembered smiling, his eyes closed and his head still comfortably heavy with sleep, the drag of Shepard’s fingertips against his scalp sending warm shivers all the way to his toes. They had lain like that for a long time, entangled in the sheets and in each other.

He also remembered the point at which full consciousness had harshly made itself known again.

“You’re not coming with us, are you?” Shepard had asked.

And that had been it; the beginning of the end of their last night together, maybe their last time together. As it had transpired, at the end of Shepard’s medical, Tevos had pulled him to one side and asked him not to take Kaidan along to the Collector Base. Then, not long after their reunion in the shuttle bay, she had sent a message to Kaidan, reiterating the request.

They had talked about it, and even though neither of them had liked her argument, they had both agreed that she had a point. They couldn’t take the risk; the likelihood of the mission turning into a one-way trip was too high. At the time, Tevos’ words had sounded logical, and Kaidan had listened to reason rather than his heart. It would be bad enough if the Council was to lose one of their human Spectres, they simply couldn’t afford to lose both. Only now, with the thought that this could be the last time he ever spoke to Shepard, Kaidan realized how stupid he had been.

“You should be here, Kaidan.” Shepard’s voice came back through the speaker.

“I know,” Kaidan said again, pressing his palms against his eyes until they started burning. “It is what it is, though. Too late to change it now.”

Shepard didn’t reply, but eventually the rustling started again. Kaidan could hear EDI’s electronic voice in the background, ordering all stations to get ready, the sound of Shepard’s boots on the metal steps floating through the connection as he moved through his cabin.

“I better let you go.” Kaidan was dreading to end the call, but the last thing he wanted to do was keeping Shepard from his duties.

“Stay on the line,” Shepard said. “I want you with me as long as I can.”

“Okay.” Kaidan closed his eyes and swallowed when he recognized the sound of a magazine being pulled out and pushed back into a gun. “John, before you go out there…”

The noise faded again, and he knew Shepard had stopped somewhere in his cabin to listen to him.

“Remember what you told me, down in the catacombs?” Kaidan went on, trying to sound confident despite the heaviness of his thoughts. “When I asked you why you’d handed yourself in?”

“I do,” Shepard said.

“I need you to come back to me.”

There was a sharp intake of breath, followed by a broken chuckle. “Fuck, Kaidan, I will. And when I do, remind me never to listen to anything Tevos says ever again.”

Kaidan couldn’t help but laugh, even though it felt strained.

“Just stay on the line,” Shepard said once more, and then a door hissed open and a moment later he was out of his cabin and amongst the rest of his crew, while Kaidan still sat in his office, his head in his hands, the overhead lights flickering off because he hadn’t moved for so long. He closed his eyes again and just listened as Shepard made his way through the CIC, checking in with his navigation officer, before speaking to someone called Jacob through the intercom.

Kaidan tensed when he heard Jacob’s voice, knowing the man was one of Miranda's associates. Shepard had made an extra stop on Omega just to bring him on board. “He’s a good soldier,” Shepard had assured him. “And a powerful biotic.” And while Kaidan couldn’t disagree with Shepard’s reasoning, and even though it had been his own decision to stay behind, he still despised that fact that Jacob was on the Normandy and he wasn’t.

“You still there?” Shepard asked quietly, and Kaidan realized he wasn’t talking to Jacob anymore.

“I’m here,” he said, subdued.

“Good.”

“Approaching Omega 4 Relay,” Joker’s voice cut in and suddenly Kaidan felt as if he _was_ on the ship, an image of the relay burning bright behind his eyelids as EDI declared the Reaper IFF activated.

Then Jacob’s voice was back. “Commander, the drive core just lit up like a Christmas tree.”

“Drive core electrical charge at critical level,” EDI confirmed, and Kaidan felt his blood run cold. This wasn’t good.

“Rerouting,” Joker shouted and Kaidan’s eyes snapped open. His heart was thumping against this chest, and he wasn’t sure if the howling sound that seemed to fill the room came from the Normandy’s thrusters or his own blood, rushing in his ears. He stared at the datapad in front of him, the amber glow of the interface not too different to that of the relay Shepard was so close to. Too close.

An ungodly screech made him flinch away from the desk. At the other end, Joker was swearing, and then the connection cut off and everything went quiet. And just like that, Kaidan was on his own with nothing but the sound of his own heavy breathing and an aching heart that was trying with all its might to beat through his ribcage.

***

Shepard collapsed against the barricade, clutching his gun. His whole body was shaking as he was trying to find his bearings, the space around him shifting in waves his brain wasn’t able to keep up with. His teeth were aching, the aftershocks of the Reaper’s last charge still humming through his bones.

A human Reaper. A million human souls melted into an unimaginable synthetic monstrosity.

Instantly, his head cleared and he rolled back onto his feet, crouching behind cover while trying to make out where the rest of his crew had ended up. The ground shook as the Reaper was clawing at the edge of the platform, the smell of eezo biting at Shepard’s throat. The droning around him grew louder and louder and he knew the Reaper was getting ready for another attack.

“Shepard,” Garrus’ voice came through his comm link, just as Ashley appeared next to him, firing over the top of the barrier. Shepard thought he could hear the thump of Jack’s warp somewhere to his left. “Miranda is down. We won’t be able hold this up much longer.”

Before Shepard had a chance to reply, the Reaper’s charge erupted around them, and a second later they were back on their feet, firing at its monstrous skull again. Shepard could tell it was weakened, the violent flame of its unnatural eyes losing its intensity with every hit.

“Watch out,” Ashley called when not far from them a Collector was engulfed by Harbinger’s telltale glow as he took control over it, but before the old Reaper could raise his voice, one of Jack’s shockwaves rolled across the platform and caught his new host, catapulting it over the edge.

“Shepard, do you copy?” Garrus urged.

Shepard ducked back behind the barricade, gasping for air, his lungs burning. “I hear you, Garrus.”

“Miranda is in a bad way, we need to get out of here.”

“Joker? Man, where are you?” Shepard barked, impatiently tapping the display on his omni-tool until the timer flashed up. Six minutes and ten seconds. Nine. Eight… They had six minutes before the reactor was going to blow up. Six minutes to take down Harbinger and this half-grown skeleton of a Reaper. Six minutes to live, or die in this god-forsaken corner of space.

“I’ve got visual, but hell, Shepard, you better get your ass in gear if you want to make it off that platform,” Joker called back at him.

“We’re on it,” Shepard growled, reloading his gun, but inside his armor his legs felt like leaden stumps. It seemed hours since they had stepped off the Normandy and onto the Collector Base, and every time he stopped, his muscles were screaming for relief. “Garrus. James. Take the rest of the crew on board. We’ll be with you in a few minutes.”

“You better hurry up.” The unusual hitch in Garrus’ voice was all it took to get his focus back to the task at hand. He straightened up and rejoined Ashley in her pursuit, their combined gunfire lighting up the hollow space around them while Jack continued to fight off Harbinger with her biotics.

“It’s going down,” Jack suddenly called.

Shepard fired another shot. With one final rear of its head, the Reaper’s eyes went dark, and then the giant arched its back with a booming groan and fell away from the platform. In front of them, the useless shell of Harbinger’s latest host crumbled to the ground as the old Reaper abandoned it, and Shepard was hit with a wave of hope.

“Joker, come and get–”

His request went unfinished as the human Reaper’s flailing arm crashed into the side of the platform, throwing him sideways as the floor under his feet disappeared. He managed to grab Ashley’s arm as she tumbled past him just as the ground shifted again, tossing them the other way. His helmet connected with something solid enough to shift his perception again, his fingers desperately clinging on to Ashley’s armor. They couldn’t lose, not now, not after they had come so close.

The world turned once more, but this time there was no pain when his body hit the corner of the barricade. His vision blurred and he couldn’t tell if Ashley’s weight was still attached to whatever his fingers were holding on to. The noise around him grew more distant while his own breathing grew louder with every shallow breath he took. He had been here before, lost in space; he could feel the familiar darkness of death pulling him in, welcoming him back.

And Shepard closed his eyes and steeled himself for another fight. He wasn’t going to go. Not this time.


	21. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When...

_Night came once, then again. There was no word. One slept and the other didn’t, while a lightning storm raged through a field of debris and half a Ward went dark. There was a crack in a hull and the need to put things right, here and there. There was a fear of losing something that had only just been found, of never feeling it again._

_And at the center of it all, the core kept burning, violently calm and undeterred._

_Hope took fear by its hand and walked along the corridors of life, to look for those who mattered, to comfort them and make amends. Somewhere amongst the stars, the silence was broken. New plans were made and changed again. One enemy was defeated while another one retreated. The storm calmed and there was light once more, but still, there was no word._

***

“Stop here,” Shepard said as soon as the space car had passed the end of the promenade. Ahead, the main road continued along the coast, while to his right another smaller road led up the hill towards the Alliance’s main residential neighborhood. He paid for his trip and then grabbed his duffle bag and climbed out onto the sidewalk.

He slung his bag over his shoulder and closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in Sakura’s sweet sea air and relishing the gentle breeze as it brushed lightly against his skin. It had been years since he had last set foot into this part of Orya, and still, he remembered the smell of the tarmac after a hot summer’s day, and the chirr of the water crickets, filling the night with their endless songs, as if it had only been yesterday. Over half a decade ago, he had helped to build this city while the city had helped him to recover, to find purpose again, and the magic was still there. No wonder Lemaire had never left this place.

With a contented sigh, Shepard set off, leaving the sleek high-risers of the promenade behind him. Familiar street names greeted him like old friends as he made his way past rows of quaint cabins and double-story houses, past the odd picket fence and trees that seemed much bigger than he remembered. As he went on, he could feel his thighs starting to burn, his tired muscles still recovering from the ordeal at the Collector Base.

He eventually stopped again when a muscle near his groin threatened to seize up. Shaking out his leg to release some of the strain, he turned back towards the bay where the bright lights of the waterfront and the spaceport beyond were casting their hazy glow towards the dark sky. On the other side of the port, the Normandy was safely stowed away in one of the maintenance bays again, only this time not to hide her, but to repair the damage she had suffered when they had crash-landed on the Collector Base. He couldn’t help but smile. They had made it out alive, and God, did it feel good.

The silent vibration of his omni-tool made him move again, and he picked up the incoming call as he continued on his way.

“Shepard.” Chakwas’ voice came through the speaker, and he quickly turn down the volume so he wouldn’t disturb the nightly peace of the neighborhood around him. “Joker told me you took my advice and went onshore. I’m glad. Do you have somewhere you can stay?”

“I do,” Shepard grinned, taking bigger strides as he crossed a junction.

“Where are you?” Chakwas sounded concerned. “You sound like you’ve been running.”

“Just walking, Doc,” Shepard assured her. “I’m not sure there’s enough juice left in my old bones to run anywhere right now. Lemaire gave me the coordinates to one of his cabins, and I decided to take the scenic route.”

“I don’t blame you, and I won’t keep you long,” Chakwas said. “I just wanted to let you know that they’ve moved Miranda out of intensive care. She’s breathing on her own and talking. I’ve sent Jack over to keep her in check.”

Shepard laughed, relieved. Joker had cracked quite a few ribs when the Normandy had hit the ground, and Shepard was sure the injury to Garrus’ leg was more severe than the Turian had wanted to admit when he had limped out of the medbay. Miranda, however, hadn’t gotten away that lightly. James had managed to carry her back to the ship, but a biotic, delirious and in pain, with failing cybernetics when the only cybernetics specialist on board was the injured herself was certainly not an experience Shepard ever wished to repeat. He surely must have filled his quota for putting biotics into medically induced comas by now.

He had refused to take her back to the Citadel, knowing that the Council would have a field day taking her apart and poking around her insides. It had been Chakwas who had suggested Sakura. Not that their doctors knew any more about cybernetics than the staff at Huerta Memorial, but Chakwas trusted them to know how to deal with biotics, and to treat Miranda with discretion.

“Have you heard from Kaidan yet?” Chakwas asked, diverting his thoughts from one biotic to the other.

Shepard sighed and adjusted the bag over his shoulder. “Not yet. I had a message from him when we came back online, but I haven’t been able to reach him since.”

Kaidan’s message had been difficult to listen to, his voice tired and at the point of breaking. One of the Citadel’s Wards had mysteriously blacked out and the Council had asked Kaidan to go undercover to investigate, taking him off the grid for some time. He had left the message while the Normandy had still been stranded beyond the Omega 4 Relay, cut off from any communication with the rest of the galaxy. Shepard couldn’t even imagine what must have been going through Kaidan’s mind at the time, saying those words without knowing if they had any relevance at all, if Shepard would ever hear them.

“I’m sure he’ll be in touch as soon as he gets a chance,” Chakwas said. “Have some rest, Shepard. You’ve earned it.”

“Thanks, Doc,” he said, hoping she was right about Kaidan. “Make sure you get some sleep, too. That’s an order.”

The call ended, and then he was on his own again, walking from lamppost to lamppost as they silently guided him towards his destination. For a moment, he wished Kaidan could have been here with him, could have enjoyed this peaceful quiet as well. He made a mental note to ask the other man to become part of his crew, for good this time. They might have defeated the Collectors, but Harbinger was still out there, and when he would return, Shepard wanted Kaidan by his side, no matter what Tevos thought was best for the Council. He couldn’t do this without him.

While the main road continued its winding trail up the hill, Shepard turned left at the next junction, walking along the row of cabins until his omni-tool gave off a low chime when he reached the one belonging to Lemaire. He wondered how long it would take Kaidan to get over his hurt and finally talk to the admiral again, and, crossing the front lawn, he kind of hoped it would be soon.

The porch light flickered on as he climbed the steps to the veranda, the weathered wood creaking underneath his feet. He brought up his omni-tool again, to find the code for the door Lemaire had sent him, and quickly entered it on the small display next to the doorbell. An unexpected beep sounded through the night, making him start, and he blinked at the red screen, the words ‘Access denied’ almost mockingly flashing back at him.

“What the fuck?” he grumbled, clearing the code to try once more, but again, all he got was another warning sound, loud enough to wake the neighbors.

Suddenly the frosted panels in the upper section of the door lit up when someone inside the cabin switched on a light. Shepard frowned and took a step back, throwing a glance towards the next cabin along. Did he go to the wrong door?

The sound of a lock being opened from the inside made him look back at the door, the light coming through the panels now obscured by the shadow of whoever was on the other side. And then the door swung open, and all Shepard could do was stare as his mind went blank. In front of him, Kaidan Alenko was rubbing his eye with his fist, dressed in nothing but a simple t-shirt and a pair of boxer briefs that hung slightly askew on his hips, his bed hair wild and untamed.

“You’ve got the wrong door, man,” Kaidan mumbled, his voice as rumpled as he looked. But then he froze and his eyes went wide.

Shepard snorted half a laugh, unsure if his tired brain wasn’t just playing a trick on him.

“Hell, yeah!” Kaidan growled, obviously catching on much quicker, and suddenly Shepard was dragged over the threshold by the collar of his jacket, his bag dropping to the floor with a thud even before the door got kicked shut behind him. A moment later, Kaidan was on him, pressing him hard against the wall and kissing him, greedy and hot, and Shepard gave up trying to figure out what was happening.

It was Kaidan who pulled back first, hiccupping as he was gasping for air and laughing at the same time, while still holding Shepard’s face, harshly running his thumbs over the stubble along Shepard’s jawline as if he wanted to make sure he was real.

“I thought you were on the Citadel?” Shepard was panting, no less out of breath than the other man.

“I was,” Kaidan chuckled. “That thing on the Ward was a false alarm, someone simply tripped a breaker at the substation. But I was going crazy just sitting around waiting to hear from you, so I came here to speak to Lemaire. What are _you_ doing here, though?”

“Miranda got mauled by the Collectors,” Shepard said, but couldn’t take his eyes off Kaidan. “I needed to get her somewhere safe where they wouldn’t turn her into a science project, and once we got here, Lemaire suggested I stayed up here. He obviously forgot to mention that you were here, too.”

A throaty laugh escaped Kaidan, rattling through Shepard’s chest and right to his heart, and then Kaidan wrapped his arms around Shepard’s shoulders and pulled him into a hug. They both grew still as they desperately held on to each other.

“I’m so glad you’re here,” Kaidan whispered somewhere close to Shepard’s ear.

“Me too,” Shepard said, tightening his grip, trying his best to pull Kaidan even closer. He wanted to say more, wanted to tell Kaidan, but his emotions ran away with him, and he couldn’t find the words. There was a tingle on his skin and then Kaidan’s biotics flared up around them before he managed to rein himself in, and Shepard realized that maybe right now, those words were too big for either of them. That maybe right now, they didn’t actually need them.

He didn’t know how long they had been standing there when he eventually prodded Kaidan to let go of him, but he quickly grabbed a handful of Kaidan’s shirt when the other man tried to take a step back.

“I could use some sleep,” Shepard said, his smile tired but content.

Kaidan chuckled with a glint in his eye, before bending down to grab Shepard’s bag. “I know just the place.”

 

 

 **_*** The End_ ** **_***_ **

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is it! I hope you enjoyed reading this little story of mine as much as I enjoyed writing it, and I'm kind of sad and really chuffed at the same time that it has come to an end. When I started writing this, I would never have thought it would turn into this 80k long-fic, but here it is. I am slightly gobsmacked, to be honest. 
> 
> I want to say a massive thank you to everyone who has joined me along the way, left kudos and comments, or just stopped by to read. And a special thank you to those lovely people who came back with every update to let me know what you thought of my two dorks, or even went off to make some incredible art for them. :D You know who you are. <3 You've been so encouraging and such an inspiration, and for that I am truly grateful. 
> 
> And now I'm going to go off and think about which of my head-canons is going to be next, maybe a shorter one this time. Certainly mShenko, though, I think I've been cursed...


End file.
